Reviews for Blood and Salt |
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![]() ![]() ![]() Opening: The first paragraph left me confused, and I wondered at its purpose. The family is big – but you make that point better with the story of the beach house. The list at age 8 just didn’t grab me, and the first sentence sets such a casual tone that it failed to grab me. You could combine the first three paragraphs and make your point with more relevancy. Characters: This is about family, but you picked a few well placed examples and brought them to live. Nice visual descriptions. I liked how the “waves and the people rolled”, incorporating the scenery as almost a character. Dialogue – obviously not much to comment on, but it didn’t detract. In fact, I would eliminate what you have since they don’t appear to add much value. "Hey Grace," I say, and we walk to the water together. {did you REALLY need this? You already told the reader where you are – is this the only piece of wisdom they exchanged?} Spelling/Grammar/Flow: There are significant tense issues. You have past, present and future tense, and while the voice rolls well, and it doesn’t jar, it is very inconsistent. As a reader I wasn’t completely sure how much was projection, and how much actually happened. In some cases you tried to make me see it as it as it happened - and yet this is obviously a flashback – so I think this is an area you could improve. Examples; With a group this big, it's easy to lose track of yourself. (present tense – open commentary) The summer before I left for college, a swath of us rented a big house by the beach for a week (past tense/flashback) "These are all dead," my cousin Julie says of the jellyfish we sometimes see floating. {wait – she’s saying it right now?} With a group this big, it's always a surprise to remember that you're one of two with these traits-that everyone else around is voluble and Irish and blue-eyed, spending and drinking and laughing easily. {this sentence really stuck out at me – one of two? Voluble? Chose your words wisely.} Closing: As a reader I got the moral – but the last paragraph left me dissatisfied. I can’t answer the What happened? Question with anything other than – the door closed and they left – was I supposed to think something different? Summing up: The read was soft, and entertaining, but I think you could craft the sentences to engage the reader better. Nice consistent theme. |
![]() ![]() ![]() I really did enjoy the style of writing the piece as a whole held. It sounded quite articulate while not being so high brow you offend people. You just sound credible while personable. I could have personally used more detail. A few paragraphs left me in the dark, going 'okay...well written, but okay...'. Ambiguity bad. Unless, of course, ambiguity is what you intended. Really, what did happen? This is probably the most important thing you can take from me: push your purpose. Yes, I can see it floating there, I can tell you have a point...but it's just floating. Shove it right in the reader's face. Write it in such a way that it is conflicting. If your reader doesn't enthusiastically agree or vehemently argue with your conjecture, you have failed. Overall, nice writing, needs more power. ~Jerome |
![]() ![]() ![]() I really enjoyed this little essay. The beginning was really well written. It was humorous and at the same time it set the tone for the essay. Which was another good thing, your voice in this was very defined and articulate. There were no big unnecessary words or clauses, it was just descriptive enough to get the point across and some. I would have liked to see a little more connection to some of the characters (your family), although I enjoyed your descriptions, sparse as they may be. It was relatable, most people share the same mood towards their family, but you did a good job at making it unique too. I liked the repetition of "remember this," and the ending sentence; they really bring out the theme in this. All in all, a good read. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Sounds fun! Well, I suppose I like it? Keep it up! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Thats one of the best "how I spent my summer vacation"s I've ever read! haha. But seriously it was very well done, mostly I believe because it captures elements we can all relate to. Sure, maybe not all of us have a great big Irish family, but we've seen a moment we wanted to hold onto slip away. The tone of this was great as well, while I was reading it I felt like I was watching one of those Indie movies which quirky and bittersweet and reminds you so much of your own life that you don't want it to stop. Very well done. |
![]() ![]() ![]() I liked this a lot; it flowed easy and quick, didn't bog you down with unnecessary details (as family stories/essays sometimes do). The ending was a little abrupt, but I liked that it was bittersweet, it gave the essay depth. I honestly can't find anything that needs to be fixed, so good job :) |