|Reviews for WONDERLAND|
| lupine-eyes chapter 8 . 6/24/2009
Nicely done with the tarot cards, but I want to know which position the Tower was in, as well as an explanation for your readers who don't know.
Also, I want to know more about how Lawrence used to be, perhaps a scene of him like this. And what made him change so drastically? How did he not ever get caught or chastised with a whole purse full of drugs? What's been happening the last few weeks that Alice would treat him like a sick child?
Nice induction of the supernatural element of the story, though. I like that Alice has neither seen nor acknowledges the possibility of the ghost.
| lupine-eyes chapter 5 . 9/19/2008
Herm, Lawrence playing Hamlet, at least for this scene. I don't think Alice would be a good Ophelia, though. I beleive it'd take more then just a few well-chosen insults to drive her to madness, if she isn't there already. A very good parallel scene, me thinks. Will anyone even question his actions, and if so, I wonder what they will attribute his "madness" too.
There are a few typos, like: “'You didn’t just call me in her for company.'” Her should be here.
But the eye-for-an-eye thing, killing him with acid like that is a very nice touch, and the whole father-daughter dynamic seems skewed here. He refuses to look at her whilst he hugs her, but she treasures these small signs of affection. I just found it slightly strange.
I wonder what the next scene will be.
| lupineeyes chapter 4 . 9/8/2008
This story has a way of unsettling me, which is absolutly wonderful. It means you are doing your job. And I can't help feeling a sort of satisfaction that you used that line, "in the dark, everyone sounds fat."
Whether or not it was your intention, I feel we learned alot about your main character in this chapter- the fact that she wouldn't voice that she didn't want to have sex, rather resigning herself to whatever Lawrence decided. We learn a bit about their relationship, through the fact that they fall asleep, not holding each other, but on their backs, hands folded like Tutankamen in his tomb.
Perhaps in that bit about the first murder, you could talk about Cain and Abel a bit, and fratricide. Or perhaps that is a topic for another chapter. Anyway, it is wonderful so far, but I feel one can't really talk order until there is more up here. So update soon.
| lupineeyes chapter 3 . 9/8/2008
Wow, Anna. That was twisted, and slightly terrifying. And utterly disterbing.
Excallent job. _
| Lady Apostrophe chapter 2 . 8/15/2008
Ah, even better than the last chapter, I think.
I like that you don't spend a lot of space/time/words on description, and yet I have a clear enough picture of what's going on. The way you write about the rain and the smoking in particular - "In went the smoke and out again" flows beautifully - is brilliant. Serves as the perfect background for the conversation in this chapter.
A few things, again, struck me as a bit awkward. The dialogue itself seems natural enough, but the thought of Alice grabbing Lawrence's shirt and yanking him to the wall came off, to me anyway, as a bit melodramatic. However, that's just one girl's opinion.
The characterization continues to be subtle yet sharp in this instalment, which I love. Lawrence really intrigues me, and, once again, I feel like I've known Alice for years (though still, somehow, I want to be cautious about her - she has mystery as well). I'm very excited to see more interaction between these two; the subtlety and brevity of characterization here leaves the reader immediately craving more.
Which brings something else up - I wonder if this chapter would go better as an extension of the first piece. Short chapters can be good, usually strategic, but for this I feel as though the abstract exposition of the first chapter coupled with the raw narration of this chapter might have worked excellently as one chapter. Of course, this is all part of my very humble opinion.
I'm interested to see how far you take religion in this piece. Personally, I'm a bit ambivalent about religion, because I'm still molding my very undeveloped faith as I go along. So when authors incorporate a sort of studious take on religion into their writing, I like to take a second look.
I'll be waiting for chapter three! (Though I hope you won't take this as a form of rushing you :P).
| lupine-eyes chapter 2 . 8/15/2008
An interesting insight for the story, but I do not think this peice should go after the first one, perhaps something more about Lawrence's sense of irony?
Unless this is it and I'm just dense.
Once again there were a few mistakes in this, grammerwise, but when I go back to nitpick at them, I can't find them. Go figure.
I also think there could be a bit more philosophizing here- perhaps include more religions, that sort of thing. Delve a little deeper here, cause it seems you are just skimming at the top of what could be discussed here.
I'm not sure of "All I could think of was the Christians," it seems to blatent, too... something. Try tweeking the line a bit. Or adding a bit more Hamlet here. Maybe Lawrence should quote Shakespeare.
A good chapter all and all, showing your characters are fundimentally human, if a bit on the monsterous side. We all wonder about death, about what comes after. We're so obsessed with it that we forget about the lives we are living now.
Please update soon.
| lupine-eyes chapter 1 . 8/15/2008
First of all, its either "nothing could put a damper on his mood." or "nothing could dampen his mood." One must be nit-picky about these things. There are a few spelling errors, like "overhead" instead of "overheard," but I am confident that if you went over it again, you'd be able to pick these out and fix them.
I love the way you seem to twist words to fit your whimsy. You use alliteration as well as their meaning to create beautiful sentences, and the most abstract little adjective, like "botanical beauty" works wonders.
These characters seem familiar- have you written them before? Never the less, they seem new and fresh, and your descriptions are wonderful, if not exactly Vonnegut-esque.
Emulating Vonnegut is hard, but if anyone can capture not only his formatting with his little tangents and ancedotes, but his essence, the blithely cynical humanist below it all, you can.
All in all, an excallent story idea if you can pull it off. I can't wait to read more.
| Lady Apostrophe chapter 1 . 8/10/2008
I'm hooked on this story already. I've also had a harder time warming up to first person narration than with other POVs, but honestly, I think you've pulled it off well here. I'm really drawn to your protagonist - you've given her a sharp and honest voice that I think many people will find easy to roll forward with.
I like your style, particularly the connections you draw between this family business and famous artwork/artists, and even moreso the language you use to describe the protagonist's birth mother. "I was surrounded by a sea of men who had her business card in the same crevice of their wallet as their spare condom." This made me smile, as did this: "I guess when you’re a criminal, you’ve got all these Hershey chocolate kisses throwing themselves at you, but when you see a Godiva bar look the other way, you want to know why." Oh, and I can't forget this: "Sometimes the walls of our victims remind me of Pollock." The image that sentence evokes is crude and raw and perfect.
There are several other little things I enjoyed reading. The notion that comitting the crimes is like "writing prompts" and the examples you give were clever and brilliant. And the description of the bicycle murder, along with the bit about practicing the technicalities and still not "getting it right," was nicely written.
However, there were a few expressions which, IMO, didn't work as well:
"Imagine being hanged by twenty feet of yellow yarn. That’s how close-knit all these families are." What exactly is this meant to reveal about the closeness of the families? I can't quite make the connection.
"I felt like I had to make an appointment in order to be reprimanded by him. Home is where the heart is. There was no “Welcome” doormat. Word on the street was that he loved me." I love this bit up until the last sentence. I feel like it's unnecessary, like it's pushing the stream of everyday expressions from nicely cynical to annoyingly overboard.
And there were a few little grammar/syntax slip-ups, nothing too damaging:
"I have yet to feel very proud of anything I’ve done, but I’m still young. I’d learned how to garden, how to prepare quick meals, how to clean and keep a home, and most importantly, carry on the family business. In the morning, I brush my teeth, do my hair..." This paragraph has some tense problems - for instance, "I have yet to feel...proud of anything I've done" doesn't really match "I'd learned...", and "I'd learned..." doesn't match "...I brush my teeth..." There are some other inconsistencies with the tense throughout the chapter that make it difficult to decipher in what tense the story will be narrated.
"My first time wasn’t very glamorous, which is usually the same case for everyone." Is "same" really necessary?
"Two of the most eccentric members of our family were my sisters, Merle and Cleo, a hauntingly exact couple of twins. I had so many sisters (This is my opinion, but I would add a comma here) but none were as mysterious as they. Merle was a modern day Medusa, a botanical beauty with her colorful painted face and wavy curled black hair. Her eyes resembled that of my father’s, piercing and cold. Cleo was similar in appearance, only she had more heirs about her. They dressed the same everyday, so the only way we could tell them apart was by their make up." Is Merle's hair wavy, or curled? In "resembled that of my father's," "that" should be "those". "Everyday" should be every day".
"She’d be raised to learn the trade, but I’m told it was difficult and they gave up when my second oldest sister was born, Katya." I think "She'd be" would flow better as "She was intended to be" or "She was meant to be". I would change "my second oldest sister was born, Katya" to "my second oldest sister, Katya, was born."
I think the order of the next two paragraphs should be switched. I say this because the paragraph that follows this last statement about Katya talks about the mothers of the two sisters, while the paragraph after that picks back up on Katya. The paragraph about the mothers of all the sisters ("I should mention...prodigal son with a vagina") interrupts the flow describing Katya and would make more sense if it directly preceded the paragraph where the protagonist "half-ass chews" her cereal and contemplates the mothers-in-training her father hires. I hope that made sense...
"I half-ass chewed on runny Breakfast of Champions with my elbows on the table, starring at Merle." A minor typo, but I think you meant "staring," not "starring." :P
Other than that, I must say again that I really love the way you've started this. And I can't neglect to mention the excellence of this story's summary! I respect good summaries because I'm so bad at writing them myself, and this one was very successful in drawing me in. Anyway, this first chapter was brilliant and I can't wait to see what comes next!