|Reviews for MechKnight : The Lady's Guardian|
| MaDMaS22 chapter 1 . 8/19/2008
Let me start by saying that I am by far no expert on first person novellas. Every story I have written as well as every good book that I have read has been written in third person narration.
Now with that little disclaimer… Let us begin shall we?
What stood out:
I liked the opening it jumps the reasoning the reader headlong into your world and your main character. Also your writing style or should I say your narration style is quite consistent. I mean I cannot think of the last time I have read a story that was able to use a dollar work like prosaic without it feeling out of place for the novella’s world.
I definitely enjoyed the bits of description about the mechs’ as well as the mysticism and allure that often surrounds them. There is an air of forth rightness and an aloof matter of factness to the narrators comments about mechs’ it made me feel as if I should already know what he knows.
I can definitely tell you have the potential to be a great world builder.
Ha “everyone speaks Latin” a dead language… that made me smile. Lol.
Near the end of the first paragraph the narration seems to devolve a bit into rambling. Not that the banter back and forth as to when to actually begin his story isn’t needed. It just doesn’t come off as crisp or clean as the opening.
From “but that would fail…” onward to the end of the paragraph you may want to consider cleaning it up.
“but that also would be missing the beginning in more ways than one… no one living today was around when the war started, that includes myself…” or whatever you want just think it should be smoothed out. I guess to me it just reads a little unnaturally.
“I perhaps it sorts ill..” there should be some type of punctuation after I.
Check through thoroughly for grammatical errors I found you have a small habit of skipping commas. Nothing ground shattering. Just a minor annoyance for an author seeking perfection. “most are not what you would call pretty…. looking pretty much…” this bit confused me for a second as the reader the repetition of the same word with different meanings in each case.
“while maurgrim can (and has) crush[ed]
| MissAvariss chapter 2 . 8/19/2008
Opening/Ending: Well, the open makes me laugh, considering the character pretty much lives in his boxed-in world and expects us to live there too. It might seem a little uninteresting to some, but I like to explore more of the culture to the world. However, making the character say "...for me to explain" kind of makes it a tad tedious. Instead, you could get him just to do it outright, or get into a spirited discussion with another character over the culture, perhaps?
Spelling/Grammar: "...if not a missionary monk from them Empire?". Shouldn't it be "a missionary monk from the Empire?"? And I really couldn't find anything else glaring, so good job! :)
Writing: Like I said previously, I like your style, but you seem really, really fond of hyphens. And long sentences. There's nothing wrong with either, but as I'm done reading and scrolling through your story, and they are used a lot. xD. You might want to tone it done, and vary sentence lengths/use less hyphens.
Dialog: Dialog is good. I really have no comments on this, except you should do more of it. I'm the kind of reader who likes action (dialog, fight scenes ;), etc.) mixed in with description. You have a nice balance here, but even more would be great! :)
This story is definitely interesting. Keep on writing!
- Octavia, for the Review Game
| Novelist chapter 1 . 8/18/2008
Good first chapter. Your tone is a bit formal for me, but your writing is well done, and I didn't find any grammatical mistakes, which is rare. I'd like a bit more description concerning the mechs, as well as their origins and so on, but I suppose I might find those in later chapters. I was a bit put-off by your story at first, probably because of the tone I mentioned earlier, but as I delved farther in, it became more interesting. Definitely worthwhile.
| Midnight-strider chapter 1 . 8/18/2008
This is amazing, i wont comment on your grammer and what-not because i found nothing to criticise and I enjoy reading your work. I love how you go into such detail and you clearly know what your talking about.
cant wait for your next update!
| MissAvariss chapter 1 . 8/18/2008
I really enjoyed your character's voice. Sarcastic and light, like how I like it.
I also enjoyed how I could understand what the mech looked like without being Albert Einstein.
My only complaint would be that some of your sentences felt like they were dragging on (a bit long) and you had little variety within the lengths (most of the sentences were rather long). And you seem to have a fondness for hyphens near the end, just a little.
All in all, good first chapter.
| raineyday chapter 1 . 8/18/2008
What I've read of this so far is nothing short of stunning. You have such a strong, engaging narrative voice. From the first paragraph even, your narration had me hooked. Brilliant work there.
On a similar topic, your dialogue is just as strong. A lot of writers are great with narration or dialogue and not-so-great with the other, but your writing is consistent and even with incredible flow, as well. I never felt like I was being jostled around or anything; you take the reader from topic to topic, from thought to thought seamlessly.
"She's about thirty feet high at the shoulder – and I say that because her head raises or lowers as the mood takes her. See? I'm being sentimental."
I really loved that line/detail, for some reason. I can't find anything to critique, I'm sorry. This is a very polished piece!
| The Wordsmith chapter 3 . 8/18/2008
Another chapter I LOVED - especially your description of the Muslim quarter. The reference to halal meat was funny. I'm going to have to hook you up with my chapter two so you can meet Lady Jane a little more. I also really like the line you ended with - immediately we know what Monica looks like, and you haven't even described her yet. Write more! :D
| Kinderwhore chapter 1 . 8/17/2008
I have to admit that reading this was pretty weird for me; you've got a lovely, flowing writing style that would lend itself well to historical novels (although I know this is set in an alternative future Europe) - and all your narrator talks about is his 'mech. Then again, I don't really read much sci-fi.
Something I greatly admire is your dedication to your setting- Varna, the Balkans, use of the term "Papal States" (and I nearly squealed when I read the word "Boyar") - it's pretty obvious that you either did your research, or have an interest in European history/culture/geography. Or probably both. Either way, it's nice to see that you didn't create your own world or rearrange Europe's geography for your own convenience.
I also quite liked your character's voice; Vlad's informative without being condescending, and you portray his attachment to Maugrim beautifully, without getting too sentimental. Your descriptions are lovely, particularly the paragraph in which your character explains why he refers to his 'mech as a "she".
As for something to criticise... well, every now and again, your writing style is marred by the occasional colloquialism. It's nothing major, just minor phrases like "Dominik and I go way back", and it really doesn't matter as this story is placed in sci-fi, not historical. But as a reader it jars me a tad - particularly when placed so close to a phrase like "babe in arms" - but then again that could just be me.
Overall, good work; I envy you.
| LeonAle chapter 1 . 8/17/2008
For your first story, I am finding this very impressive. Your grammar is excellent, no question there, and the story flows well (at least for me). I also was captivated by the description of your characters and locations, especially the mech named Maugrim. All in all, it seems very interesting, I really can't pick out anything wrong with this, it's very original and creative. Good work!
| The Wordsmith chapter 2 . 8/16/2008
I love that line about how cardinals are political animals who know how to step around landmines and lay them down- it was very evocative of the Renaissance church when you had very important people with religious power and titles who weren't necessarily religious - Pope Alexander the sixth springs to mind. (He was a Borgia and the father of Lucretia.) I also really love Vladimir's narrative tone, which is very conversational and which I will try to repeat in my own work. (I hope you don't mind I stole your narrator, by the way.) The Cardinal sounds like a fascinating man, and the descriptions of the elaborate power structures in Rome are well worth noting. Looking forward to whatever you have up your sleeves next!
| The Wordsmith chapter 1 . 8/11/2008
Well, I'm interested. I'm not generally a transformers-large robots-Zoids type of person, but you've got me interested. Maybe it's because I know what Wardenclyffe looks like, maybe it's because you have a stunning command of the geography and landmarks of the Papal State, maybe it's something else. And speaking of Papal state, are we in an alternate reality where there are still multiple papal states, as in renaissance Italy? I seem to recall your narrator mentioning several. Anyway. Maybe that's just me being ignorant. Are you going to write more about this Vladimir Hunyadi? If you do, I'll TOTALLY read it.