|Reviews for A Most Beautiful Burden|
| Indefinite chapter 1 . 4/17/2009
wow. i actually (kinda) got this one reading it the first time through.. my favorite part: "But they’re/both cold now/On the same red soaked battlefield" so visually dynamic. really. (this may be the angsty emo coming out, but i LIKE THOSE LINES!)
| Durak chapter 1 . 8/24/2008
There's a lot of good going on in here, but the jarring shifts in tense and subject annoyed me.
I love your protagonist. She's very tragic, though at the same time, I pity her. A lot. For example, the fact she's pregnant and drinking, and mulling over all this hatred, but still concluding "It is my design to carry love inside of me." (One of your best concluding lines in a poem, I'd say.) I can't decide whether this is magical thinking going on or if it's a story of redemption. I lean towards the latter.
You have, as you always seem to, some rather obtuse lines that I have come to accept are your way of saying something totally abstract that the reader is meant to take their own description from, like a Rorshach inkblot. Specifically I mean "But bodies... for me tonight", talking about Christmas and tearing skin and "It's ignorance... a dull blade", which I confess I didn't really get. Interesting that you say ignorance is darker than sin, though I wonder whether it's you saying that or your narrator. It's certainly telling that she sees her tongue as a weapon, dull or not, either way.
I think that the most powerful lines in this poem are: "That womb place some call a temple/When others scorn it as the place slavery is born/And I understand/When there's a leech within." The first two, especially, because they're a beautifully concise and poetic way of what seems to me to be one of the archetypal feminist dilemmas, but more than that, /far/ more importantly than that is that this your PROTAGONIST'S dilemma. She wants her freedom and her enabling drugs and booze and apathy, but at the same time wants the love she sees promised in this child. Very powerful.
I wasn't pleased at first with the narrative shift, but the idea it's wall what "this babe can see" made me change my mind when I read through it again. Lengthy, sure, but you're trying to make a point, and I like it. Of course, there are a handful of obtuse lines ("two girls sing a song of supremacy"; "carving her proclamation..." etc.), but I do like the stanza beginning with "The world is swirling with ones like these." That stanza constitutes a dramatic shift from detailing what the babe can see to your own opinions, but I don't condemn it for that. Again, you seem to be putting a lot of yourself into the protagonist, which I assume because this woman is thinking awful... metaphysically. I don't know. It is poetry, and it's not prose, so I can't look at it as such.
But I still liked it.
Oh, and great contrast between "life" and "living." Loved it.
However, there were some grammatical issues that took me aback. For example, I get lost at "choke on all this apathy/ Towards anything other than me." Choke towards something? I'm not sure that's the right imagery.
"As my insides rumbling and tumble from my mouth". I think you just mean 'rumble and tumble', though there are different permutations you could try. But the verbs should agree.
"Its tiny fingers", not "It's". One of the dumbest rules in the English language, if you ask me, ( ;) ) but it's there.
So all little stuff that I had problems with. Overall, I think it was a great piece. ) Congrats on a job well done!
| chicksrule1341 chapter 1 . 8/19/2008
A most moving poem and beautifully written, might i add
| SirScott chapter 1 . 8/16/2008
Lovely poem. It was disturbing and hopeful at the same time.
| angels know the rest chapter 1 . 8/13/2008
The imagery was terrific here, especially in the beginning. You didn't just say what you were doing; you described it and let the reader figure it out. At first it was vague, and then you got to lines like "a boy is raped/a girl is blinded," which, I think, made it more powerful. Some punctuation would have improved it a bit, however. Another great thing about the poem was that, out of many poems about being pregnant, this one really sticks out. Great job.
| half-sketched.staccatos chapter 1 . 8/13/2008
Love the line "as if trying to choke on all this apathy." I just love the poetry - imagery - of it.
And I’ll dance and I’ll sing
But the beauty just won’t be there
Mm, I know the feeling. Sometimes, you put on a brave smile when you're feeling nothing but cowardly. But so long as nobody can tell, that's all that matters. That way, when you get home, you can lock yourself in your room, curl up beneath your blanket, and have a good cry to let it all out.
"And rent is two months behind"
That line really hit me because of what preceded it. Raped, blinded... and then something as (seemingly) miniscule as paying rent. But you know what? To someone else that's important... and I just imagine a woman with her little children getting kicked to the curb because "I can't pay my rent."