|Reviews for Unfamiliar|
| Vampire Kitsune chapter 2 . 1/2/2009
10 paragraph typo: ' “Yes! Working hard helped to.” Emara snapped '
Why can Eclipse go hunting while Naitsuki studies, but Suisei has to wait for Emara in order to leave the room?
Also, at two points in the chapter 'Emara gasped as the bond she shared with Mercury grew cold. ' and 'Emara glanced back at Mercury just to be sure'
The context implies that Mercury is the familiar she is bonded with, but everywhere else Suisei is her familiar.
Ok, that's it for now!
| Jessica Wright chapter 3 . 1/1/2009
Hola! Sorry it took so long. Happy New Years (and a belated Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah-dunno how to spell it.:S)! Lessee what we got..
I like this story a lot. You asked about your characters-seems fine to me. The only one I feel could use more devlopment is Naitsuki. Emara and Taisuno are wonderfully complex as it is, but Naitsuki falls a little flat. Don't worry about having more than one strong character-it's more of an asset than a disadvantage, as it gives the story more depth and the reader others to sympathize with. So, some places you might want to start with for Naitsuki could be her motivation, her history. Is she a big character? I got the impression she was by the prologue, but if you don't intend her to be, perhaps you should have her play a smaller role in that part of the story. I just need to know what she's like. So far she seems like a very shallow, stubborn young girl, and I don't know if that's how you wanted her to be portrayed.
Your style is very descriptive, and I definitely want to know more. Your plotline is superb, and your world is very well developed. However, the jump between chapters one and two are very sudden. The prologue and chapter one flow well together, otherwie I would suggest switching one and two. The problem is that you go from a cliffhanger to a new character-not something I'd recommend. It doesn't flow well. I would suggest either putting chapter two earlier (perhaps splitting up chapter 1, although I'm not sure how well that wold work), or having more of a leadup. Perhaps have another charactger mention him. Even say 'in another town far far away'...no, just kidding, please don' I think the best idea would be to, in another draft, make it later on in the story, after the action has passed. Right now simply makes no sense. It's a good chapter-keep it, but not here.
I look forward to updates, and happy holidays!
| Aoide Mnemosyne chapter 3 . 12/31/2008
This is my favorite chapter so far :). You were a little repetitive with 'pins' in the first paragraph, but no spelling mistakes :D. Bravo! Brava! Please update soon!
| Aoide Mnemosyne chapter 2 . 12/31/2008
Again, wonderful chapter. There were a few mistakes, however. Most were just spelling mistakes, like 'something' was 'somthing', and occasionally you used the wrong 'to'. I also have a question; you alternately call Emara's familiar Mercury and Suisei, which is it?
I love your dialogue, it's very well done, and pulls you into the story! I look forward to more!
| Vampire Kitsune chapter 1 . 12/30/2008
Okay, in the second sentence, each... what? Each person? Each dragon? Each Wangdoodle?
Second paragraph, "as he stared at her, he bright violet eyes"
Also, where is the girl in relation to the circle? Is she inside or outside? Is she supposed to be there? So far it seems like she is a random intruder.
Is there something special about Naitsuki that her Familiar changed form?
This story's theme of a human tightly bonded with an animal was used in the Golden Compass series. I hope you plan to noticeably differ this story from that one. You already have, with the ceremony, and set Familiar form, but it would be a good thing to keep in mind.
Ok, hope I helped.
I plan to review each chapter separately.
| CJ Blanc chapter 3 . 12/26/2008
hm...i have a feeling that Taisuno and Naitsuki's paths will cross...very good so far. AND THE CLIFFHANGERS ARE KILLING ME! ah! please explain soon!
| Aoide Mnemosyne chapter 1 . 12/25/2008
The details were wonderful, and I could really get a feel with what was going on.
You made one small typo, 'he' instead of 'her'. It was also a little repetitive with the colors, but all very clear nonetheless.
I look forward to reading the rest as soon as I can!
| SightSpirit chapter 2 . 11/4/2008
Excellent work! Really took me in! Very creative! Great names, too! This is truly a deep fantasy! Love it! Can't wait for the next chapter!
(A suggestion: try not to use the word "gasped" AS much!)
| Halen Catice chapter 1 . 10/20/2008
OMG! This is awesome! I can't wait for more! I hear it will contain writing from a super taleted person! And That ther ewill be an awsome new character! WE!