ha, binging off potatoes and chicken.

So many fat jokes. Eh.

Still a great ending to the chapter. And omg, Kain made it back to the human world? Where was he if he wasn't in the human world . . . . . . was the place with the orcs not the human world? That could explain a couple things . . . . . anyway, good chapter. (Rawrg fat jokes, but hey we're 'big' enough to take it, eh? hehe.)

~Chez~

“I think he has OCD…” Hey, I may have OCD. That's kinda cool. XP but if I do it's very very minor . . . anyway

Hey, I know that they are teens, but what age? Or is it going to tell me later . . . . . or did it already tell me? Wah. XP

Wow, that is a weird name combination for brothers. lol. Ezekiel and Matt. But it's cool. I'm also just writting my thoughts down here, I don't normally reveiw this deeply. Just for you.

From what I've seen, you are very good at ending your chapters. It's not a cliff-hanger per say, but it makes the chapter seem whole and make you want to read on at the same time. I like it.

~Chez~

oh my God, that was a really good chapter. One tihng that I dislike about most vampire fics is that the vampire hardly ever bites the human and that's my favorite part of it. (Maybe Im' just sick or something

"Suddenly, the demon’s head split down the middle, releasing its contents onto the boy." - Dude, whenever I read that I was like . . . . . O.O omg! What just happened? That was kind of random. But awesome.

I love how Matt came in. He sounded all cool, and stuff. And kind of calm about the whole thing, as if he were talking to a little kid.

Also, you really didn't say how Matt killed the demons, until like, the end. But that's cool. It left me wondering. Also, if I was Kain, I would be freaking out right now. Like, seriously bad freaking out. haha.

Good chapter, I can't wait to read the next one (Which I will hopefully read tonight.

I'll even favorite it. So yay!

~Chez~

I'm only on chapter sixth but damn, I love this story. I like how you written this. I like how you get your characters personalities down in just a few sentences. Dominic is my favorite so far. Cocky bastards are my fav!

Well done! I've only read the first chapter so far, but I'll definitely read the rest when I get round to it. I posted on your thread on Gaia, but I'll paste the advice here too:

All right, I've got around to reading the first chapter (I'll read more when I don't have the urge to write, I've waited long enough already. xD) and here's a few things I picked up:

"The teen could smell the noticeable smell" smell is used twice here, it doesn't sound quite right.

Calling him "the teen" over again gets a bit... weird. Maybe come up with some other things to call him? (I'm writing this as I read it, so I don't know his name yet)

"They smashed the tree trunk the teen was just in" now, I'm not sure if it's because my English teachers tell me that alliteration is good or because I just don't like it, but that sentence just seems... odd to me.

He is used to start sentences a little too much in the part where Rage attacks him.

"it was all he could manage to process. The Obvious." this took me a little while to get what it meant, not sure if that's the desired effect, but if not you might want to word that differently.

"He" is used a little too much in the next part. Maybe link some of the sentences together to get a bit of variety (I only know this because of my English teachers, the same people that brought you "don't use said" and "overuse adjectives to the point of killing your work", so it might be complete rubish, get a second opinion on that)

And, I'm done reading the first chapter. It's good and I'm hooked, but like I said, I need to write now so I won't read any more just yet. You might want to take the advice I've given you with a pinch of salt, and wait 'til someone else comes and helps you with it too, and see if they give the same advice as me.

It's good though, well done. I know I've only said what's wrong with it, but you said you needed harsh critics, and it'd take me too long to comment on the good parts too. You might have bennifited from just adding a chapter a day, or so, but what's done is done. And it's pretty good.

Wow. you posted 30 chapters in the matter of a day! That's impressive.

The situation you begin the story with is very suspenseful. It's a good hook. I couldn't help but wonder who your protag is and what is special about him.

The dialog is clear and direct, both between the attackers and between Matt and Kain. It gave me clues as to what his attackers were, though I still wondered what they were after.

There is a good contrast between Kain and Matt. I am interested in finding out what is up with Matt as well!

As far as crit. stuff goes... The leader did get a little repetitive before they found him, but that is easily fixed.

In some places the writing struck me as a little wordy. Particularly the first paragraph. It's a tense situation so short sentences and paragraphs might fit the mood better. After the first paragraph the mood gets much better.

I think it would be much easier to follow if we knew the MCs name from the beginning as well. "The teen" and "the blond teen" gets a little wordy and redundant.