|Reviews for Performance|
| drops of rain chapter 1 . 7/10/2009
The personification is cool. I like the wonderful imgery of it; so unearthly.
| Isca chapter 1 . 6/1/2009
"The angels pass." This opening line is so gentle. The reader knows, somehow, that the speaker dares not breathe when the angels fly overhead. How glorious. :)
"Yellow-robed Dawn." Very creative personification. There's a touch of anthropomorphism as well.
"Revolving like wind under the wings." A graceful simile.
| deefective chapter 1 . 2/9/2009
- Flow: Hm, well the flow was a bit choppy not so much because of the actual piece but because of all those random capitals that were there. I found that they disrupted the reading and honestly, were quite useless.
- Descriptions/images: The descriptions were beautiful. I actually really liked the words you used. It gave the piece that wistful tone like a whispered story.
- Word choice: The word choice for this was well chosen. I found that at some points it was a bit awkward but then it would make up for it by choosing the right words to continue.
- Enjoyment: It's not so much that I didn't like it, it's just that the little things bothered me. I'm just OCD like that.
- Subject: I basically got the point of the piece loud and clear but I'm not too sure about the subject. But that's the beauty of poetry, Am-I-right?
-Tone: The tone of this reminded me of one of those old tales that you read in history books. It seems long and endless but utterly fascinating.
- Rhythm: The rhytm was good but it's just the capitalization that ruined it. When a word is capitalized in a piece it's supposed to hold some importance or significance, right? But it seemed as though it didn't. I understand that maybe you wanted to attribute a "name" in the sense of a "person" to the dawn and day, etc but it just didn't feel right to me. It felt random.
- Punctuation and grammar: No errors as far as I could see.
- Other: Hmm, well basically it was a nice little piece that captured my attention and held it. There were only a few things that bothered me but other than that this was very nicely written. Good job.
| HannaThing chapter 1 . 1/26/2009
When you "return" between every line, press shift, so there isn't the space between. It should help make it look more like one stanza. Because of the spacing it feels chunky to me. Maybe fixing that will fix it.
The word choice for this is amazing. Simple, but new ways to portray what we see everyday.
This brings me to the imagery. Your poem is rich, full of images for the mind's eye. I'm truly jealous. I can't do as much so simply.
The subject is simple, something everyone knows, but the way you make is different with special names is something I've never seen. Bravo. You could go far in life with this talent.
Thanks for writing this poem, and giving me this opportunity to enjoy it.
| empty tea bottles chapter 1 . 1/25/2009
And yellow-robed Dawn"
I really like the rhythm of these lines. They paint a nice clear, picture, too.
I do feel that it got a little repetitive as it went on, though, particularly here:
"As White Light
Ticks like a clock,
As black-robed Night
And White Light
After a while, you just seemed to be using the same words and, as vivid as some of the images are, the lack of variety is a bit distracting, you know?
This is all very gorgeous, however:
"Their figures spin
Like a color wheel,
Hazy and clear
As a mural,
Revolving like wind
Under the wings
Of white-robed Sun."
I think if you just polished up that middle part, this would be an even better poem!
| The Last Xu chapter 1 . 12/31/2008
Hm... this poem is interesting.
I liked the lines "As black-robed Night sends greeting and White Light sends farewell"
However, I think it would be a better contras if you put "White-robbed sun" there instead, and replaced the "white-robbed sun" later with white light.
I'm not sure if I like the metaphor "(color)-robbed" at first, but then I thought it was nice and simple, and brought to mind of a work of art without color. However, it's a bit awkward that you used it for the color for the sky, then used it for the sun. It kind of breaks the continuity. - Shirl.
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 1 . 8/17/2008
"Their colors spin / like a color wheel" is kind of a lame image... haha. You used colors and then colors wheel - any other way to describe this stuff?
I don't understand why randomly in your poem you capitalized stuff that shouldn't be capitalized. It would be better without that. :)
I really liked "The bridge of green" to describe the earth. It's incredibly original.
Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)