Reviews for Death on Display
Charactarantula chapter 1 . 8/6/2009
This review is courtesy of the Black Label Publishing Company, a forum and haven for thriller, action, and horror writers. Come check us out!

Ah, I tip my hat to you, sir/madame. From the get-go this was a refreshing exercise in shock. It's my kind of story. I immediately caught out to the narrative flow, which was very catchy and flowy, easy to read. Creative. You definitely understand how to get into the mind of a killer, so kudos for that.

'Inside was 5,0 and a short message: “Write more please.”' I would suggest putting the dollar sign next to the 5,0. And this continues into later lines. I know what you mean, it's just clearer with the dollar sign.

'The way they saw it, it was going through their moths anyways.' *mouths

'Because unless you’re on a skit resort' *ski

'Besides masks we just wore clothing I dark, solid colors' *in

'Our money and sometimes a not would be waiting for us' *note

'Now you may also wonder how we kept our identities hidden. It was so simple but so cliché. We wore ski masks. The kind where only your eyes are seen. While filming anyways. Because unless you’re on a skit resort, wearing a ski mask in public definitely sets you apart from the crowd. Besides masks we just wore clothing I dark, solid colors. We were instantly anonymous.

Abducting victims and dropping off tapes was different but 10 times easier. We just dressed normally. And we definitely didn’t wear the ski masks. Two men walking around in ski masks would seem kinda weird. Even bank robbers don’t take walks like that.' You really don't need to talk about not wearing the ski masks again, it seems redundant.

I thought the narrative sort of tapered off at the end. I know this is a novel, not a short story, but there was no resolution to the events at the beginning of the chapter, which was dissapointing. It just ended. I would suggest that you might want to make this chapter longer, and possibly take some of the action from the 2nd chapter and put it at the end of this one. Just a suggestion.

Keep writing, and stop by The Label if you'd like. We'd be glad to have you.

-Jake

p.s. if you do review replies, don't bother. I don't check my fictionpress email. If you want to reply or get in contact with me, I suggest you check my profile for my personal email. G'day.
Royal Bliss chapter 2 . 7/30/2009
Haha, this is a pretty messed up but good story. You don't see a lot of these kinds of things on this site... or you do and it turns into some crappy love story between the victim and would-be-killer. I'm really liking the plot so far, never came across anything like it... so props to you.
SoggySoul chapter 1 . 9/5/2008
I really like this story. Great idea, plus it's got just the right amount of humor in the tone to not make it completely sinister.

I did spot a few typos here and there, and if I may make a suggestion, your paragraphs are a little choppy. I'm not saying you have to lengthen them, but there were a few paragraphs I saw that could have been strung together as one instead of three.

Overall, though, good job. I hope to read more soon.
Seed of Doubt chapter 1 . 8/27/2008
Whoa buddy. This was pretty unbelievably amazing. I smiled, even though I shouldn't have. I felt bad for him, even though I shouldn't have. You created such a cool character...even if he does kill people for money. I'm totally loving this story. Your writing is so great! I didn't skip a word. You had me hooked from the very first line. I'd give this 3570394 stars if we could hand out stars for stories. Wowza! :D