|Reviews for Grand Arcanum|
| Synaptic Imagination chapter 3 . 3/9/2009
I like how magic works in this story, I knew that Mairis was special _, I can't wait to read more, but it's late so I'll read more tommorow.
| Synaptic Imagination chapter 2 . 3/7/2009
I really like Azura, she's cool, I loved jow she scared teh bucther even though she's frail. Mairis is cool too, she seems like the type that gains confidence as the story goes on,I'm looking forward to finding out what her powers are. Lola is funny, I really enjoyed how she just dropped them into a hole, and then the saying you came up with, that was funny. Also I really like your writing style, it's easy to read and it doesn't leave me with a "wtf?" kind of feeling when I get done.
| BlaznFangurl chapter 2 . 3/7/2009
"The room fell silent. The instructor glared at the class for a few moments."
Kid's they only listen to what they want...So about this chapter I highly enjoyed it. You portrayed your characters amazingly, how you thought of such vibrate characters I wouldn't know. I love the fantasy characteristics of you story, espeicialy the elemental thing, I have used elemental characters plenty of times, but you use them in a very creative manner..all in all Irate this an A..I will gladly read the rest at a later time_
| BlaznFangurl chapter 1 . 3/7/2009
I enjoy the way you wrote youe prologue, not many can write a good story in first person withou soundin weird or confusing the reader. I myself get a bit confused when writing in first person, so ado to you. Also you wrote your battle sceanes very well, not only did you portray the emotions of the person teling the story, you portrayed the master and the described the scenery not an easy feat to accomplish in first person view. And lastly I like the cliff hanger you ended with, it wasn't over dramatic and it keeps the reader waiting...
| Synaptic Imagination chapter 1 . 3/6/2009
Damn, you are a great writer, I'm defninetly reading every chapter you post.
| Komori chapter 7 . 11/23/2008
I like the change in the beginning. It seems as if everything gives me a feel of Mairis's character. I guess naturally, she is a heroine (a female hero, a SHEro). Honestly, I still don't know much about her character though. Would she have saved anyone who fell off that mountain? or is this just foreshadowing to something bigger? You know I had to ask... I'm the real life Cam Red... And no, I don't expect you to answer me, but if you do, I'll gladly accept it.
| Narc chapter 3 . 11/3/2008
I have to wonder if Instructor Lustre's intentions are for Mairis's benefit or the teacher's amusement. Because, as it's written, it seems like it's more for her own personal amusement rather than care for a girl who's left out of things.
There's a sudden switch into first-person POV here. Starting with 'sitting on the window sill in the room Master Sai gave me to sleep in'. Since the third-person hasn't strictly focused on Mairis, we don't get a clear idea of who this is, and then suddenly it goes back to third-person again. Is this supposed to be back in the present (as in the time of the prologue)? If so, I think you need some way to identify that.
There's another strange transition starting at 'the pitter patter of little girl's feet'. It took me a moment to understand that once again we're reading about a different time. You need some sort of transition to identify that Mairis (in the present) is now thinking about an entirely different point in time.
I liked the scene where Mairis asked her mother about the glove and the knife. It added an air of mystery to the mother's magic because it's a level the daughter knows nothing about.
Other than the jumping flashbacks, I think this story is fairly well paced. We're learning about Mairis in her society. It's a lot of day-to-day stuff, so hopefully things will pick up soon, but right now it seems to be going at a good speed.
| Narc chapter 2 . 11/3/2008
The first sentence of this is pretty run-on. I think it might have opened better with the line 'And as the two warriors' battle ended in a draw ...' because it's immediately obvious from that alone what the scene is.
Hmm. I feel like this scene is a little too obvious in its purpose. The students' lesson exists for the purpose of informing the reader, and isn't really significant to the plot from what I can tell. But it's really still just an infodump. Kind of like the pill commercials where one friend 'conveniently' tells the other all of the potential side effects exactly as it's required by the FDA ... okay, if you've never seen those commercials that might be a bad analogy, but hopefully I'm making sense.
Okay, so reading on it does get into the plot. Good transition, but I think you might need something else to cause the other students to taunt her. If they're used to her being there, it seems like they would need something more interesting to be willing to interrupt the lesson. Snide remarks in the back would make more sense, at this point.
I like that Mairis doesn't have this 'alignment' thing where everyone else is supposed to. So I'm a sucker for stories about late-bloomers when it comes to magic. It makes for a good read.
The scene in the town flushed out the impression of how Mairis and Azura are seen by the rest of the people. I'm still not sure I quite get -why- though, since it seems magic is pretty common.
The time-setting (or fantasy equivalent) of this is a little ambiguous to me. Not that your world can't have any slang or mannerisms it wants, but words and phrases like 'kiddo', 'cool', 'no big deal' and 'yup' tend to suggest a contemporary setting.
| Narc chapter 1 . 11/3/2008
The first sentence of this was a good hook. I think 'The high pitch shrill started subsiding; my hearing gradually returned to me' might be a little more wordy than it needs to be, since you want to keep us in the moment. Subsided already suggest that it has quieted, but isn't gone, so you don't really need 'started subsiding'. 'The high pitch shrill subsided' is less wordy and says the same thing. 'My hearing gradually returned to me' is redundant. Her hearing couldn't very well return to anyone else, could it? :)
Interesting dialogue. It captured my attention, making me want to know more about who these people are, why they were fighting, and what their background was. I think calling a voice inside her head 'mysterious' is a little cheesy. I would think any unexpected voice in her head would be mysterious by default.
The description of her intuition made since to me. It worked well to describe what she was experiencing without breaking up the action of the scene much at all.
This is a good opening, because it pulls the reader right into something that's going on, but it was a little disappointing at the end because then we realize that the rest of the story is going to start from a flashback, and we're not really in the middle of something after all. It gives me the impression that the next chapter won't be nearly as interesting, and might start with 'day-to-day' life.
I'm writing this for the review game, because I noticed you never got reviewed in full by the person who was supposed to, so I thought I'd fix that. So, onto the next chapters. :)
| Light.Dax chapter 7 . 11/1/2008
Oh! I just noticed something. These must be the re-written chapters you said you were going to do. Lol! I was wondering why somethings seemed Deja Vu. _ I like how you changed things, nicely done.
| Light.Dax chapter 6 . 11/1/2008
I really love how you write. Very detailed, it's like watching an anime! Lol! I enjoyed this chapter, a lot of action with Sai and Mairis. I really loved the part where Mairis sees her mother. The whole tree thing was very original. Nice work again!
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 7 . 11/1/2008
Whoa. It's nice to see more of Mairis' past before all of the events took place. And now a love interest too? I enjoy seeing the more feminine side of her, but she's also a bad ass majority of the time which rocks. I don't know what to think about Lola... Mairis was about to Molly Whop that chick in the beginning lol. Good work. Great work. Grand work. ONWARD TO CHAPTER 7! Wait WTF? Chapter 7 isn't poster yet?... T_T...
| Namahagetecno chapter 7 . 10/31/2008
Another well written chapter, your fast paced writing is always a joy to read.
Um, we're supposed to offer concrit but I really like your style and it would feel strange on my part if I said to change anything. I love getting into characters heads like this, and your first person narrative really tells everything quite wonderfully.
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 6 . 10/20/2008
Extremely fun chapter. You truly outdid yourself. This fight was well described, lots of thought and action as well. I saw EVERYTHING in my mind from that fight. Congratulations on becoming my favorite action choreographer and writer!
| Namahagetecno chapter 6 . 10/18/2008
Another excellent chapter I see.
What I like about your stories is that the battles aren't so simple, they aren't :They attacked, they countered, they attacked, we actually get to see inside the characters heads and read their thoughts, and that makes your story all the more fun to read.
This is why I love most first person stories, they really display a wide range of emotion.
And your story seems to be progressing nicely without being too slow or too fast, and that's always good too.
Update soon please!