|Reviews for Grand Arcanum|
| DropAHeartBreakAName chapter 1 . 10/18/2008
Oh, wow. It's such an intense moment that it started at... it really got me hooked. It's amazing! Great work!
| Vio the Wandering Lover chapter 2 . 9/25/2008
lol, earth and fire elementalist rock.
| Stardrag chapter 2 . 9/21/2008
Made me a little sad, but if the hero in the story had wings and you stated that those are of the wind...why'd you say the hero was earth aligned? A billion cyber cookies says Mairis uses either the wind element, or a combo to make a whole new one.
| Stardrag chapter 1 . 9/21/2008
Holy Crap! It really is good, you got me wishing that the prologue was a billion pages more! time to see what they mean by his punches being that hard and the meaning behind the title! On to...the rest of the book! HAZA!
| Light.Dax chapter 5 . 9/16/2008
That was a long chapter, but a very suspenseful one. I feel bad for Mairis, seeing her mother die like that. It's sad. And dude eating werewolves hearts, yuk! I'm surprised Mairis didn't get sick, I know I would.
I'm thinking the pendent has a life of it's own, and that's who's talking to Mairis, but I could be wrong. Have to wait for the later chapters. _
| Light.Dax chapter 4 . 9/15/2008
That was a fun chapter to read. It kinda reminded me of The Chunin Exam from Naruto. I love how well you explained the fighting between Zilvan, Charon, Garrett, and Lustrè. Really good detail, I should take notes. _
| Light.Dax chapter 3 . 9/15/2008
“You make this too easy Mairis!” Azura said as she turned up to [the] juice." (You have to instead of the. Lol!)
“Remember Mairis, never lose, it’s more precious than" (Do you mean never lose it?)
Really good so far, I wonder what the story behind the sapphire pendant is all about.
| Light.Dax chapter 2 . 9/14/2008
Yay for flashbacks! Nice chapter, I like Lola. Mairis reminds me of me when I was in school. I was the shy 'outsider' in my school so I can relate to her in that way.
| Light.Dax chapter 1 . 9/14/2008
Whoa! Love your writing style! The words and how the story flows just in this first chapter is excellent. I also love how you pick your words. Makes me wish I had that kind of dictionary. _
| Shang chapter 1 . 9/11/2008
Hey and welcome to MSC. Sorry that I'm writing this so late, but better late then never, or so they say XD
Being brutally honest that I am, I'll start with the fact that I'm usually not too keen on first-person narration in adventure stories, but so far it seems to be working for this tale. I see you began with a 'bang' (quite understandable as I usually do so myself) and it'd appear that most of the next, few chapters will be somewhat a flashback. An interesting concept, though I always say it's also risky. I'll see how that plays out.
Your writing style is good. Quite book-like, which isn't normally the one I prefer in manga-type stories, but oh well, I don't mind.
To sum up: I think this story has potencial and can go somewhere. Not much flaws so far, but only after reading the actual, first chapter would I be able to make more accurate judgement.
For the time being I'll need to cut the reading short though.
I shall return in the near future to read more however.
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 1 . 9/8/2008
Pay no mind to that 2nd to that one review dude... He's just "assuming" that all readers read like him. All that he's doing is trying to read it the way that he would write it... lol Your prologue was good.
| groovi-gal-numba1 chapter 1 . 9/7/2008
woah. quite an opening there. it creeps me out a little bit actually. Is this a horror? it feels like a horror. I'm not so much into gorey details, so i would suggest that you tone it down there. But thats just me.
hm... i don't like the dialouge very much. It seems a little fake and forced. You know, it just doesn't seem natural to me. I know that you're trying to use it to put the story in a different context, but still think you have to think more about keepin it natural, yeah?
but other then the dialouge you writing is really good! you a have a really good amount of descriptions. And you keep your descriptions vivid and creative which is always good.
As if any negative momentum would ensure certain death, but still, my body acted and reacted to the heat of battle without any real thought.
thats an example of a really good description
You set it up well at the end - i want to know more. i definetly enjoyed this. you're a good writer!
i can't say much about the characters - its early days yet. But i will say this: Azura is a really cool name!
xoxox good work overall
| CrimsonxShadows chapter 1 . 9/6/2008
"The sound of thunder rang in my ears as my blood spurted on to the forest floor. I lied there watching as it stained the grass. The high pitch shrill started subsiding; my hearing gradually returned to me."
This is a very interesting hook, but I think with just a little more detail and harsher words, you'd be able to draw the reader in even more. Instead of "...thunder 'rang' in my ears...", why don't you try something like "...thunder 'clashed'..." or "...thunder 'exploded' in my ears..." It's much more violent, and it captures the reader's attention more.
"'Is that all the daughter of Azura has in her?' The taunting voice of the old man echoed. I violently gagged up some more blood as I tried to get back on my feet."
"The taunting voice of the old man echoed" sounds a little too narrative.
For the voice of the story, an author should have the characters do the action and be described that way instead of narrating it. Readers prefer it when there's action and description BY action, not when it's told to them. For example:
"'Is that all-'"(italicize this)"'-the daughter of Azura has in her?' The old man taunted me, his boom of a voice echoing off of the tree tops."
Then you might want to break the "I violently gagged up some more blood as I tried to get back on my feet." from the paragraph and change the power of the words you use as well. Maybe you could try, "Gagging, I coughed up another wave of blood as I attempted to pull myself to my feet." This is the main character's action, which is different from the old man's sentence, so change it to a new paragraph.
For grammar, you might want to put a comma between "senile" and "old man." At first, I thought you'd made an error in putting synonyms next to each other.
These first couple paragraphs should be broken up into smaller paragraphs with shorter sentences if tension and anticipation is your goal. I understand what your goal is, but don't try to describe (for example) how Master Sai or the main character looks while they're sparring. You can include a snippet of description, but don't try to make it really long or else you're steering off of the path that you're trying to get to.
Also, readers don't like dialogue in big long sequences. Put some meat in there. During memories is a great time to add some description, but don't overload the reader with information. Try to add a little here and a little there-as if you're baking without a recipe in your hand. People like learning about the characters all throughout the book, not just in the first chapter.
I'm sorry if I seem harsh; I like seeing stories develop to their full potential. I hope that my advice is helpful! I can't wait to see what you do with it!
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 5 . 9/4/2008
Wow... That's all I can say... You sure did seem like you enjoyed writing that chapter. I have to admit that I was a little confused when it switched fully to first person. (I thought that it was 4 years later) It was only until the last couple sentences of the chapter that I realized that it happened right after the exam and the talk with Lustre.
It's not a bad thing, I just missed it. Anyways, I like how Lustre jus stood there waiting for the chick to make her attack rather than trying to stop her ahead of time. I guess that's how teachers are. lol. this story is well written. The whole house scene was kinda sad. You almost barked a tear out of me... I was wondering why you rated this story M for a while, but after this chapter, I can see why. I have a feeling that mom would've died despite what the voice was telling Mairis, But for some reason, I think that opening that door DID make Azura have to force herself to protect her daughter's location. Azura could've landed a few more blows to the man, I believe.
Another thing, when she returns to the village, I bet she'll see Garret and fire dude. I'd like to see how they've grown lol. Good chapter... sorry if I give too many spoilers, I just lie to let ya know that I read lol.
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 4 . 9/4/2008
Nice chapter. I followed the battle pretty well. It's good to see another side of Garret and his friend as they fought. I enjoyed this chapter rather well. I wish I could've seen what Lustre did to pwn Zilvan, but I guess it doesn't matter. He got tied up none the less lol. Despite the fact that Garret and Chally tried to take my gurl out early in the exam, it seems that even Zilvan didn't believe she'd be able to handle the operation. Lustre is wild. She intentionally let them attack her rather than tell them ahead of time to try to ignore her and take the shield. Lustre sucks.