|Reviews for Immortal Beauty|
| ScreamWithMe chapter 1 . 7/18/2010
I read a book about the same girl who did the same thing!
It was called "The Blood Confession."
| Written chapter 1 . 5/21/2009
wow! great piece. i like how the themes of beauty and blood tie in together
| Spazz-O-Spades chapter 1 . 4/12/2009
) There is nothing more to be said
| Engineer of Words chapter 1 . 3/27/2009
I must say, this story made quite an impression on me.
The narration and dialogue both give evidence to the fact that you have an extremely sound grasp of the mechanics of the English language. Both were rather formal, and both were considerably better off for it given the time period of the piece, unstated as it was. I found no errors in the grammar or punctuation either, but I did notice that you like to start your paragraphs off with either an adverb or the word "I". Not a bad thing per se, but you might want to change things up a bit more.
Your descriptive language was similarly excellent. I had no problem imagining any details of any of the scenes whatsoever. Not only was it proficient in description, but the formality of the wording [as discussed above] just added to the sort of dark, historical vibe.
What really made this piece stand out to me was how all of this revolved around the themes of blood as life and the varying extremes of the interpretation of the Bible verse in question. Erzebest's ability to justify cold-blooded murder as beneficial to her makes for a very interesting study in character psychology, to say the least. And even so, she's still haunted by guilt and the knowledge that she is clearly in the wrong. Very nice use of internal conflict.
I had a really hard time trying to find anything critical to say about this piece. Proofread a little bit more slowly, because there were one or two little spelling errors, but other than that, excellent job.
-Dee, The Promised Land Forum
| WhenceComethThisBoredom chapter 1 . 10/1/2008
My first recommendation, for future reference or should you ever re-post this, is to break it up into "chapters" - just take each section between full stops and call it an individual chapter. This is a very helpful technique because, first of all, it makes the work seem less daunting, since many little chapters seem to read faster than one big one. Second, you'll get re-placed on the "Just In" list each time you post a new chapter, thus getting more press for your story and - naturally - more hits, and thus more reviews. So. However, your synopsis so intrigued me that I am reading this anyhow, despite its great length. ...yes, a third thing - short chapters allow a person to return to a story and continue reviewing it over several days, rather than forcing her to read it all in one go. but then, perhaps that was you intention - preserving dramatic tension and all.
wow. sorry to be so wordy.
I like the Bible verse. the woman is really stretching for her justifications there, but I like that too. she is, after all, quite vain, or so I guess.
shrouded, nice word choice. it gives an ominous feel. I would leave out the second "her" in that sentence for smoother prose. Likewise "dark brown curls" instead of "my curls of dark brown" in the preceding sentence.
"My eyes traced her body, comparing her own form to mine. Envy was such an exhausting sin" : also good, though the prose kind of peters out later in the paragraph. It makes for a weird kind of sexual tension. again, creepy.
though you should polish the prose in this next section - just a tad; you're scads better than most of the writers on ficpress - I like the end. it sets up her character nicely. you don't have to state outright "This was a trait I had developed, a rather vain trait where I felt the need to compare myself to other pretty woman", because you can readily tell from her behaviour so far.
but why is she burning the horse? what did it do? though I admit it is an eerie image. I had thought at first she might cut its throat and bathe in its blood.
as royalty, the countess oughtn't to call a servant "Miss" - "you, girl" might be better. more disdainful, you know.
ah, poor Yemeni. she's so dead.
did she die? will we ever know?
but doesn't the countess care that she's going to get blood all over that pretty necklace? and her clothes? but perhaps her vanity does not extend beyond her body...
"a mangled cry" : I like that. it's unconventional, you know.
I also like that the countess stabbed the girl a bunch of times instead of the usual throat-cutting. since the victim remains alive longer, the total volume of blood spilt will be higher. that's efficiency, you know.
"the slop of my perfectly formed breasts"? slop, to me, says sloppy, saggy, ie. unattractive. I think you should choose a better word there.
oh, there's Yemeni. NOW she dies? or not. well, good. I kind of like her, gullible though she is.
Well. Now I am done, and I will give a few more wordy remarks and then leave you in peace.
All in all, it was good. it read quite fast, actually, and I understand why you didn't break it into smaller chunks. In places your prose is very good, in others not so much, and I think the quality decreases nearer the end, probably because that hasn't been edited as much. I think the story would benefit from a longer, more psychological treatment, but as is it moved along quite nicely, concisely, and certainly kept me engaged.
It's an interesting subject. I seem to recall this was a real woman, yes? Is this based on a true story from times long past? Also, you're making me want to try my own hand at it, which is another good sign, really.
So, anyhow. If that wasn't long enough... :D