|Reviews for Betrayal? Where?|
| LostInMidnightsShadows chapter 3 . 4/11/2012
Oh wow. I love the intensity of the writing and how you can really feel his hatred for her. Im really scared for Erin and want to know what hes going to do next! More info on whats wrong with him would be good :) The writing is good maybe break it up a little more. The grammar and everything is good as well. I read it on the train on my phone but If you'd like more Ill read it again on a bigger screen!
| Georgasaurus chapter 1 . 11/28/2009
I saw your critique request and thought I'd take a look. Usually I flame, but I am capable of CC, too, on occasion.
OK, so the first thing I noticed was the numbers, the commas in speech, and the lack of description. In a story, unless it is a phone number, or the numbers are written on a piece of paper, or whatever, there should be no numbers.
"Four year old Daniel...'
"The numbers 01857 were scrawled across the walls.'
See the difference?
Also, as I've already corrected, abbreviations are a no-no! 'Year', not 'yr.'
Now, in speech, one should always have a comma at the end, unless the sentence following is a full, separate sentence. The periods at the end of your speech are wrong. Never EVAR put a period at the end of speech if it is going to be followed up by ‘she said’, or something similar. The sentence doesn’t finish at the end of the speech, because ‘she said’ is still part of the speech sentence. If you don’t quite get what I mean, look at it this way: would ‘She said’ make sense on its own? If the first sentence of your favourite book was simply:
Wouldn’t you find that irregular?
The only time you can use a period at the end of the speech is when the ‘follow up’ doesn’t really connect with the speech, and can stand alone as a sentence. For example:
“Ohai,” said George as his friend walked into the room.
“Ohai.” George did not look up from his laptop as he greeted his friend, who had just walked into the room.
‘said George as his friend walked into the room’ cannot stand alone as a sentence, and so the speech before needs to end with a comma (or an exclamation/question mark, if appropriate). ‘George did not look up from his laptop as he greeted his friend, who had just walked into the room’ is a full sentence, though, and so the speech before it ends on a period (or an exclamation/question mark, if appropriate).
Now for description.
Look at your chapter. Really look at it. Now, in doc edit or on Word, remove all the dialogue completely. What is left behind? Out of 1,770 words, 782 were pure description.
Description is what gives a story depth, character, and power. God is in the detail. Your characters, when speaking, barely move. They do little, and don't have many thoughts or feelings on the situation at hand. You said you can't get past a few chapters in your stories - this is /why/. Without depth, without feelings, emotions, thoughts, and actions, a story can go nowhere. Dialogue is good, but real story writing is always in the description, in my opinion.
There are other things wrong with this, but for now, these are my main gripes.
| YellowShootingStar chapter 1 . 9/2/2008
I thought this was so sweet. Until the part where Daniel kicks her out of the ouse, of course. But for a start, this story is pretty good. I hope you do continue. Please