|Reviews for Little Sister rough draft|
| Hearts Rain chapter 1 . 9/2/2008
This piece of work left me with a feeling of "something important happened". Although as a reader I cannot, in such a short time, become attached to a character, I did feel that these few moments had a lasting effect on Ariane.
You asked for suggestions on what it needs, and I really don't think it needs anything more content wise (as in another large block of writing). I believe that being concise leaves a deeper impression on the reader, giving almost that same sense of suddenness.
However, I do have some suggestions on how to improve this piece.
You are right in trying to set the mood straight-away with a description of the tumultuous weather. However, the emphasis on lightning conveys a sense of anger, which is not present to a great degree ("because God hated her"). Instead, I believe your work focuses more on acceptance and sorrow. I think rain is better in portraying sadness or understanding (wash away). Anyway, this is totally based on personal preference.
Usage of Language:
Since this is a short piece, make sure all your sentences/ideas come across as strong.
"The would-be sunny afternoon had been turned into a gray, lifeless twilight by huge black storm clouds which now had completely opened and were releasing their fury." This is your first sentence, and it is great in the sense that it gives a foreboding feeling and a transition from joy to sorrow. However, I would avoid using passive voice (had been turned). Also, you have many weak words in there such as "had been turned" (something like transformed etc.), "huge black", "were releasing their fury" (well you need to change to active voice to fix this one). Also, I think its redundant to say "would-be".
"Mud was still caked..." I think it should be "Mud caked" to keep your actions consistent.
"A circle of twenty-five to thirty people were all fixated on one spot..." Although you might want to be accurate, it distracts the reader when you approximate the number. Also, your sentence currently means those people were all pasted to one spot (I think you mean their gaze).
"Deafening rain hid tears and sobs." Use of deafening kind of refers to sound, so hiding tears feels strange, but not really a big deal.
"A tall woman with thick blonde hair stood..." The descriptions of her seem like filler; her hair or height isn't exactly important right now (then again, I don't really know what would be good to describe as you already have taken eyes in the next sentence).
"The only reaction was a light squeeze of her hand, but this was not enough to satisfy the youngster." When you use "only", I don't think "but" is a good word to link ideas. Maybe just omit "but this was" altogether. Youngster feels like a happy word to me, but that is possibly just personal opinion.
These are just some examples from the first half.
I have no idea why you decided to use Zues, then again my mythology is not good. If there is no symbolism involved there, maybe you should replace him with something that does give symbolism.
I just have to say that "June 18, 1994 - June 18, 1994" was very powerful.
Although this is a rough draft so mechanical errors are not important, I suggest watching your use of the semicolon. It only serves to divide independent clauses.
"very important lesson" is a weak way to conclude. The last sentence of your conclusion is weak as well (kind of like "by the way she also..."). Note, conclusion is referring to your second to last paragraph.
However, the last sentence is strong.
I hope you understood what most of this review meant.
| StarGazer88 chapter 1 . 9/2/2008
This is a good start. I like the referance to Zeus in the beginning. Perhaps you could add a little line in at the end saying something like;
The world would not stand still for your personal grief but you had to keep going without the one you lost. (only in your own words).
Do we know how old Ariane is? And therefore in 4 years time when your story will resume she will be how old?
Just minor stuff, but off to an intreguing start. The grief is palpable and believable.