|Reviews for The Untainted Sword|
| GGGGGGG chapter 1 . 11/20/2008
i think it will be a great story and you should keep writing
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 11/12/2008
Hello, Frac from the Review Game here to give you a belated review; a gift for all those that have been an important part of our community. Thank you for participating!
In the second paragraph, you start your two final sentences with "soon", and that's an unnecessary repetition you might want to skip out on :)
"Viasco Dedela Gama"
- I have mixed feelings about that name. On the other hand, Viasco reminds me of fiasco, so be careful with such hidden connections. However, Dedela sounds really cool, its smooth and also a bit arabic-feel to it :)
Nice set-up so far, it shows the basic premise. Just be careful with your punctuation, dont be afraid to use a comma instead of a period.
| MagicWords chapter 1 . 10/30/2008
Ok here we go: (great start though!) (spspelling)
hiddnen (sp) that and evil ("an") learened (sp)
'Soon after the elfs death two new races came into play.' (there should be a comman after death and elfs should have an apostrophe.
'where almost industructible' ("were")
'The werewolves realized that all vampires were evil, just some of them.' (this sentence is a little unclear to me)
'with such two clans of vampires and werewolves' (this should be 'with two such')
AWESOME plot so far! Absolutly great. all mythical creatures together! amazing! i already like idea. i just thought to show you where some fixable errors were. great job to the both of you. ill be sure to keep reading!
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 9/13/2008
-"by the empirieal elf called Viasco Dedela Gama"... imperial
-"He had it hiddnen away"... hidden
-"He also foresaw that and evil wizard would kill a loved one."... did you mean an evil? Also, this line seems to come out of nowhere
-"The werewolves realized that all vampires were evil, just some of them."... this line doesn't make sense.
-"And this is were our story begins,"... where
You really need to edit your pieces, for content that makes sense and grammar. I like it though because it works as a prologue because it explains the situation and gives a good background. Nicely done.
PS If you're bored this weekend check out the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
| ajustwar chapter 1 . 9/5/2008
This didn't really seem like a prologue to me, it was more of an explanation or summary, a rather vague summary. Or a timeline, I think that suits it better. I don't think it flowed very well, and you kind of skipped around a bit, like one minute you were talking about this 'all power' sword, and then you started talking about vampires and werewolves. (In addition, the whole good vampire, and werewolves are their natural enemy, is so Twilight.)
Also in the second to last sentence, I think you meant 'The werewolves realized that NOT all vampires were evil...' and you had a few spelling errors.
I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm picking on you, or your piece of writing, because I'm just trying to help you improve, so I hope that this was at least helpful.
Anyway, keep on writing!