|Reviews for unbecoming|
| english summer rain chapter 1 . 9/15/2008
i see you are trying out a new style? it is working i must say. however as much as i love long-winded lines in poetry, you might want to take a look at what is within those lines (if that makes sense), i found that i had to read a few over again to realise what it actually said, or maybe its just the night getting to me.
i'm glad you haven't stuck with conventional poetry and you've tried something new :) loving the last stanza.
| Isca chapter 1 . 9/10/2008
"Birds flock with damaged wings." Beautiful imagery!
"Shut up, and be so still." I liked that part. It was very unique, and worked well with the lines after it.
Good work! :)
| Ernest Bloom chapter 1 . 9/10/2008
interesting, interesting, though i'd have made a number of stylistic changes, any of which you can take or leave...
first, i'd make all the lines about 4-5 words long.
...pebbles which they'll make funeral grounds with: change to: ...pebbles with which they'll make funeral grounds.
...there is unstability sitting like a time bomb: change to ...instability waits, a patient time bomb
in my veins waiting for me to: insert a comma after "veins"
a raging tide and fate can have what is left of me: insert comma after "tide," and make contraction to what's left of me
don't make sense to me but i still: add comma after "to me"
writing them thinking they might be: add comma after "them"
must sound beautiful to them but i'm not: add comma after "to them"
friendly with them and the strange effects they bring out on humans: change to:
friendly with them, and the strange effects they bring out in humans
i will consume: change to i'll consume
Many changes, but...a very worthy effort!