Gee, you're either trying to make fun of Twilight or you're trying to write something similar. If you're attempting to make fun of it, I applaud you because myself and a friend got a kick out of it. If not, well...

Serious Errors:

A.) Not using quotes correctly.

B.) Not using basic grammar (periods, commas)

C.) Your writing has no sense of flow.

D.) It didn’t hook me at all.

E.) …What the hell is a Vegetarian Vampire? Is it like a vampire that eats hair? Sucks the life force out of hair, makes it dry and giving split-ends? Like a blowdryer?

For the quotes and grammar, use Google or a friendly English teacher.

For your flow and writing style, you’ll probably develop it as you continue practicing. If you don’t, well, you weren’t born to be a writer.

All in all, I’d give this story a D.

Only thing good about it was the vegetarian vampire and getting to thrash the story with a friend.

Pick up a book,

-AAC

Hey, yeah, so I hate to bubble burst people's newfound enthusiasm for writing, but...yeah. This needs some work. :)

For starters, you really need to not get ahead of yourself.

Decide, right from the start, if this is going to be a short story or a novel. If you're going to use chapters, don't bother rushing everything and making things happen right from the get go. We need to know more about Dominic(k?), more about Marie, more about Keith. More to attach ourselves to these characters.

Right now they're clear as day in your head, but in everybody else's mind, these are just names on a page, and now they're in trouble, but nobody cares because we don't have that emotional attachment.

Also, you need to decide how realistic you want this to be. For starters, you're telling us she's ordinary, or that she used to be, but we never really get the feeling that she ever lived as an ordinary girl. You need to clarify what ordinary means to your reader. Getting honor roll since pre-school (should be noted that pre-school doesn't really have that title) is anything but ordinary. Getting along with everybody is anything but ordinary. Having your parents buy a laptop or cell-phone is anything but ordinary.

Another thing, we never get the sense of how old your characters are. Obviously old enough to have a relationship - so 13? 16? 20? Depending on the age of your character that will also change how you write things.

Last point, where are they?

I'm getting the sense they live somewhere, but where? Suburbs? It can't be a major city because there's no place major city like where people can speed down the road at 120 mph/kph without getting arrested. You're in a residential district obviously, so what about children? Pedestrians?

I think this could be good, but you really need to take some time and have someone edit it, and to clarify with yourself what it is you're writing about.

great job zeph. i hope you know i'm going to murder you for those names right? well anyway, sounds like an awesome remake of twilight. I loved how it caught my attention. I'm gonna post this on the fiction press group on yahoo to see what they can do to help you improve a little, if any.