Reviews for Son of Elsariy
mingsquared chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
The start is interesting! Definitely a good way to make the reader hooked. You made the world, the action, and the emotions so accurate and realistic that I thought they were actually in a war. And even when they were arguing about the game, the emotions were pretty realistic too. Excellent job with the descriptions and the dialogue.

This chapter is a bit lengthy though. 9,800 words for a opening chapter is really, really long. I can understand if this is a standalone/one-shot, but from the description it seems you plan on continuing this? If that is the case, I highly recommend you to break down this chapter into two. I feel like this advancing a little too fast...

But all in all great work. Really looking forward to the next chapter if you're going to upload one.
Equilibrium chapter 1 . 4/12/2010
I don't usually read (or enjoy) Sci-fi fics, but this one had me hooked from the get-go. I love the way you write action scenes. I really, really hope this story doesn't remain incomplete, like quite a few of your others are!
Mercyette chapter 1 . 10/29/2008
I really like how you managed to immediately draw the reader in with you intense scene at the beginning. It really helps since your chapter is rather lengthly. That way the reader doesn't got too side-tracked while reading. (I suffer from the same thing - too much detail at once). But it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

One thing you might consider doing is to divid the chapter contents up a bit into other chapters, that way it wouldn't seem too intimidating to the reader. I understand, though, that in reality chapters that are in print aren't that short. Just something to consider. Also, at the end I probably would have used italics rather than parenthesis, but that's just a personal preference.

Overall a nice job!
october lies chapter 1 . 10/26/2008
this is so long - i understand wanting to write longer chapters or so, but (nearly) 10,0 words? for a standalone/one shot/first chapter? that's way too much, and i don't like that. it obviously can be split in half or three parts to be a two/three chaptered story. another thing that i didn't like is the way that i can't really feel any emotion in this. a lot of the dialogue in here doesn't seem like it's stressed to it's full potential of emotion. for instance - the part where jadon's father informs jadon that earth is not their home. it could easily be drawn out and intensified, but right now, i'm hardly feeling any emotion when i (or at least i hope) should be feeling a lot.
Written chapter 1 . 10/19/2008
right from the start, you deliver... "punchy" prose, if that makes sense. I mean it in the good way. like, the words create vivid images and really set the scene. I like that, because sometimes in sci-fi, things can be hard to follow :)

I also like how confident you are with the setting, even though it's very futuristic- it gives us the feeling that it's real.

["Oh come on, J!" scoffed Vince, the lance's second-in-command. "We totally took them by surprise! That one walker didn't have a chance, and we brought the roof down on top of his friends before they could even get into the picture. An inspired idea, if you ask me.”]

uh oh, famous last words? haha. I don't know, but Jadon's worries seem ... foreboding.

the banter between the lancemates seems really realistic! good work.

the action scene that follows is well done, and this is coming from someone who really can't follow most action scenes. I like that everything is clear and concise.

and then the reveal that they were just playing a game! I loved that. I wasn't exactly expecting it, but it was well done.

Jadon is very hard on his team mates. eep.

Sezja is an interesting character. I wonder what his dad and the other man were discussing?

aha. interesting that you made their "origin" story the story of babel. your main character's resistance to the truth is very believable.

and then the action packed scene with the mother's death has just the right tone. I didn't really like the extended "noo" part, because it seemed a tad trite, but it wasn't bad.

whew, that was a whirlwind read! great job.
SyMph0Ny Of cOloRS chapter 1 . 10/19/2008
It's interesting and draws the reader in. I like the futuristic effect and the originality. I don't really read alot of stories on fictionpress like what I've read so far so kudos to you. I'm excited to see what happens next so update fast mkay?