|Reviews for Silence Part 1|
| Moonpig123 chapter 4 . 12/13/2008
'Friedrich Adler'? Dude, that's my character! Ace! Although I doubt he would have been killed so easily... he's one badass villain, you know, and he has zombie nazis on his side. Yes. :p
A few notes:
-Your paragraphs tend to be very long, and could maybe do with being split down a little into smaller sections so it's not all so overwhelming on the eye. I don't mean taking out anything, just separating info into other paragraphs.
-The fight with the creatures is cool, but John seems to run out of ammo very quickly (had he just come unprepared, or had he been shooting stuff previously, before that antelope? He has extra ammo back at his bunker, after all, so he could have come with more ammo than he had). Also, when he's being chased by the creatures, more of a claustrophobic and generally fearful atmosphere would have helped the tension of the scene. He seems to remember the water at St. Mary's a tad too quickly and when the monster landed in front of him and went for him, it seemed very easily dispatched, like it was no threat at all. I wanna see this John Cooper guy all broken, beaten and pathetic! *Laughs evilly*
-Your description of the building John becomes trapped in: 'It had been designed by an architect trying to emulate the Gothic style of Middle Ages Europe…and doing it badly. Its high-vaulted ceilings and intricately detailed walls, slowly decomposing due to the radiation, took on an ominous and intimidating feel that made John shudder.' Sounds to me like the architect did a marvellous job!
Stone the metaphorical crows, I'm being a bit negative, aren't I? Listen, mate, you're intriguing me with these tantalising glimpses of nasty, spiky creatures and I'd be interested to see where you're going with the story concerning John's mental state. He's a lonely chap, after all, and everyone likes a good mentalist in possession of a submachine gun. His sweetheart, mentioned in the flashback of chapter 2, could be a good source to draw from here: the crushing loss and depression, having seen his wife die, could turn him into something of a feral beast.
Also, will there be any human survivors? Any confrontations over clean water, ammunition and non-irradiated food could cause some pretty intense drama. Lastly, will there be any 'push' in the story that marks out a specific plot? It's cool so far, what with the random encouters with beasties and such, but John's realisation that genetic material had been put in the nukes and so an army might be being created on the remaining scorched earth in chapter 3 has to mean something... Who's controlling that? To what end are they experimenting with GM? Will the army develop human intelligence or be mindless slaves?
I have faith in your literary skill, however, and in conclusion to this oppressively long review (my apologies) I shall simply leave you with the comfort that I'm really enjoying this. Keep it up.
| Moonpig123 chapter 3 . 10/14/2008
Another good chapter, outlining well what John is feeling and how the post-apocalyptic environment is getting to him. I really liked the description of the 'half-human, half-creature' thing and you left the whole thing on a pretty good cliffhanger!
My only problem is the speed at which he realised the plan of the A.E.S: this should have slowly become apparent throughout the course of the story instead of him just suddenly realising in one short chapter. However, aside from that, I really like this story. It's coming along very well!
| Moonpig123 chapter 2 . 9/26/2008
Liking this, so far. You heard of the 'Fallout' games, by any chance? :p
I think you've set the tone pretty well, although more detailed description of the surrounding wasteland would have further fleshed out the atmosphere. The second haf of the story felt ever so slightly out of place, and you briefly switched between tenses during the sequence: "Sam and Lucy looked at each other, startled. He grabs her arm and they hurry out of the house, her arm slips out of his." The first part is as if it is past tense, and then the second part is in present tense. It didn't detract from my enjoyment of the story, but I did just notice it and thought I'd mention it here.
Overall, very intriguing so far. I think this has great potential; keep it up. (Also, sorry for my laziness: I just review several chapters of a story in the same review box to save time!)