Reviews for No Father of Mine
Serendipitist Swan chapter 1 . 5/25/2010
This story is very captivating. Your first line, the hook for readers, is well written and the rest of the chapter doesn't disappoint. I'll be waiting impatiently for more!
Yandere chapter 7 . 7/15/2009
Poor Nathan! I can't wait to see if you're going to write more. This is really good. In chapter 4 I almost started crying for Nathan, and it was heartbreaking when they tortured Jammie. You write it very well. Please write more! (Pretty please?)

xXxMidnight-BluexXx chapter 7 . 7/9/2009
Carmel March chapter 6 . 4/13/2009
Still loving this. I am so sorry for taking so long to review! Just know that I haven't forgotten your story :)

Hope to read more soon!

sea-of-serenity chapter 1 . 2/10/2009
I love it. You have a very good vocabulary.

But I can't help but think there is some kind of message behind the horrible 13 year old younger brother who blames everything on the quiet, abused older brother.

Anyway, it's really good.
Zakemaster chapter 6 . 1/29/2009
Okay, I'm going to start by saying that I really am enjoying this story. The premise is interesting, and I like the way it is going. But personally, I find some of the story a little rushed. I feel like the openings to the first couple chapters were almost excuses to make the story start faster, and just get done with it. A good story introduces these elements as they come along, through observations or a character's thoughts or dialogue. Also, I don't feel that much of a connection with the main character. I mean, you can tell he's a good guy and what not, but you barely care enough for him. At least for me. Also, and I think this may sound a bit dark, but the part where he killed the little boy almost should have been longer. Now, it's just like "There's a boy, oh god I have to kill him, he's dead." Or at least that's what it felt like to me. I was just surprised. You should have given more of the MC's thoughts about what was happening. Just my opinion anyway, and lord knows it's your story. Still, I enjoyed it, and do plan to keep reading as you update. Also a shout out for Lavender Quill, who was the reason I read your story in the first place. Keep it up. I do see lots of potential in this story. Run with it.
xXxMidnight-BluexXx chapter 6 . 1/27/2009
awesome. i hope you carry this on
Lavender Quill chapter 5 . 1/25/2009
You will have to post the next chapter now... ( I have edited for you, haven't I)
Lavender Quill chapter 1 . 1/25/2009
I really like this story... you have captured the pain, misery and suffering felt by a character so well and every time I read this story I am amazed at how well you write!
We Used To Wait chapter 5 . 1/9/2009
Whoa, you really know how to inject torture. Keep it up. I curious to see what happens. :)
Fiona N. Costly chapter 1 . 11/26/2008
OMG! I love this story so far. In a way it kinda reminds me of Pan's labrynth. IN a Way... the tyrant father. No grammatical issues that I saw.

I like the fact that you do so much with your sister. Does she have a fictionpress account I'd like to read her things to. I like the Idea of the Nanowrimo its cool and also the prompt that your doing with your sister way to get her involved. can't wait for the next chapter.

Fiona N. Costly
UmmIbrahim chapter 2 . 11/25/2008
Very strong storyline...your writing is very good, made me cringe that Nathan would actually kill the boy...i dint feel sorry for him anymore, ...
SuzannaR chapter 1 . 10/24/2008
Powerful start to your story...quite compelling.

I like how you paint a picture of the father and the circumstances that Nathan lives in.

"Life is in chaos and Fate is having her fun watching mankind descend into darkness"...very good line...sets the scene for the descriptions that follow.

I find that some of your sentences are quite long.

Eg "

I had learned not to question my father early on in life after sitting in on a strategy meeting and watching the CMP Commander be killed on the spot, courtesy a slit throat, after he had suggested to send his soldiers on a different route to attack the neighboring region’s capitol to ensure that the troops would arrive undetected".

Perhaps this could have been broken up into a few sentences.

Anyway good job!

Written chapter 1 . 10/20/2008
the first thing I notice is that you have a mature style, and there are very few, if any mistakes in grammar or spelling, which is a credit to both yourself and your beta reader.

[The world is a terrible, terrible place. Split into regions, dominated by deplorable leaders.]

interesting concept with the setting. I think the large amount of exposition at the start, while well written, could be cut down for punchier sentences. some of it is redundant, repeating "terrible" makes the word lose it's power. You TELL me about the fear that they are in well enough, don't get me wrong, but you don't make me FEEL it, really. In a dystopian setting, the more palpable the fear, the better.

I feel like instead of all the bg info, it would have been more... useful to have a beginning scene showing the father in action, dealing with some hapless folk who got in his way. that way, you could really SHOW us what was going on, and we wouldn't have to just take your word for it.

I know you show a scene with him soon after explaining, but I think it would be more powerful to start the other way around. and speaking from experience, if you want to hook your revders, you have to hook them in the first paragraph. your readers will be able to assume the bg info, even if you don't spoon feed it to us at the start.

I'm just being super duper picky though, don't worry. I still LIKE it, I just enjoy nit picking :)

I like the way you show the relationship between him and his brother. your main ch. seems very much the weaker, younger brother.

a note on your dialog tags:

["spat, disgusted"]

the "disgusted" isn't needed, since he isn't spitting his words with sunshine cheer. it's redundant.

["exclaimed loudly"]

again, could have just gone with "exclaimed". overdescribing reduces the value of your words and makes everything sound a bit more trite... no idea why, but thats just my opinion.

Uh oh... what if his older brother dies or something? wouldnt that suck for their dad? haha... random thought... ignore.

I also think it would be interesting if you showed the father as being two faced, like, honey tongued until he lashed out or something? I'm just thinking of random things now.. lol.

okay, I'll read more later... my keyboard is being a witch, so I have to keep copy and pasting the letter "a", which makes this way too time consuming! don't kill me for my long rambling... haha. I think this is a promising start!
Carmel March chapter 2 . 10/7/2008
Oh, what a wonderful chapter. The end was especially good :) I absolutely can't wait for the next chapter, so update soon!

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