|Reviews for Battle of Rastrala : Rraga Mountain|
| Laura Tear chapter 1 . 10/3/2013
Hi, my name is Laura Tear. Hope you find my review useful in some way.
"The only things left to him were a few family possessions, the family fortune and the family mansion"
I'm not really sure how to make this sentence better, but I do think it needs a little re-wording. What I mean is that the sentence starts with "The only things left to him..." as a reader, you expect it to say something like "The clothes on his back, and the money in his purse" or something like that. I know that not having a family is bad, but the way that sentence is phrased implies that he's not grateful for what he does have which is a lot more than others which means that readers mightn't like him as much. It's important information to the story that needs to be told, but perhaps re-phrase the sentence so that it tells us that information in a different way.
" However he wasn't treated really well so he left recently after going there for nearly two years."
This could also use a little re-phrasing. i.e. "Despite the fact he'd been attending Battleschool for nearly two years, he left recently when the bullying because too much" (I wouldn't actually use that, it's not the best re-phrasing i've ever come up with, plus it's your story and you should write what you think)
But you get the idea.
"Frank hated the boy and decided to make him feel even worse. Everyone knew he had no friends because all boys his age were forbidden by their parents to play with him. "Why don't you go play with your friends?" sneered Frank. Timaneus turned back "Go mind your own business," he replied coldly."
This bit doesn't really fit with the previous paragraph - to clarify; the end of the previous paragraph doesn't easily flow from that to this bit. It's like hitting a rock in a river, it upsets the boat a little, but you can keep on going. For example, that would be a good opportunity to throw a hint in at what happened in the past. "Frank still hadn't forgiven the boy for what his family had done all those years ago and as those memories re-surfaced, he couldn't resist throwing an insult after him, even though he could feel his wife's glare burning into his back..."
The last bit of advise I could offer is regarding the memory at the end, and I'll start by asking you a question.
Can you (I'm assuming you don't have photographic memory) remember anything clear from around that age? Anything in that much detail? If not, then don't make your character do it - unless you explain that he has perfect memory recall.
However, while he mightn't be able to recall the memories awake, if you make him drift to sleep while he's sitting on the side of the river, he could recall them in a dream.
I hope that you liked my review,
| BethAnn84 chapter 1 . 12/6/2009
Hey there :) We are in a community together, so I figured I'd show you some support and review your work :) I read the first chapter, and I'll admit, I struggled through them. It's easy for me to see that you seem to seperate yourself from your characters when you write. You write how I used to back in the day...choppy, messy, all over the place. While most people have trouble with opening chapters(I know I do), I would take a look at your speed. It felt like you were trying to rush us as a reader. I had a hard time getting into your story because I felt rushed. Maybe take a look at the first chapter, and re-word parts of it. Also, I don't really think you need the first two paragraphs in there. Save them for a later chapter or something. But, the story does look like it has some potential! I will keep reading and reviewing.
| bres9 chapter 10 . 10/7/2009
I like the story line but it kind of seems like you are putting too much toofast. You should try to develop the characters a bit more. Your characters are moving through the story without letting your readers getting to know them first.
| xrolipolix chapter 3 . 1/5/2009
You open the chapter with where we lost off on the previous. To me they would have flowed nicely together! In my honest opinion, chapters two and three could merge into one and still have that nice little cliffhanger at the end.
Soo... we're continuing with the fight.
I find it fun how the man is using all he can against Timaneus (Pushing, shoving, etc) it makes him seem desperate to win and gives a general sense of urgency to the narrative so far. Interesting.
-"“See kid it’s pointless,”"
I'm not sure if the comma at the end of that needs to be there. Is that the end of his sentence or is he going to say more? From what I've seen, commas in speech are used to break a sentence into pieces, to indicate silence or to take a break to show the reader what's going on. For example,
"Heya," Said John, "What are you doing?"
"I don't know," She stared at the ground for a few seconds, "But I'm going to find out!"
-"Rraga Mountain[,] he thought[,] I don’t know where that is."
To indicate that these are thoughts a bit clearer maybe you can add some commas? Usually people put thoughts in italics because it stands out but I have seen some authors just use commas.
-"... frowned and thought..."
-"Well[,] he though[t ,] I’m going to find out what’s in that mountain range.[A]nd besides[,] I’m hated here there’s not much point staying here."
-"He spent a while thinking about his decision.[H]e wanted to find out a bit more about his parents and brother and he had a feeling [that] going to that mountain range might settle his..."
Maybe it's just me... but might settle his what?
-"...tried to stay winced and fell back down his stomach still hurt I’ll leave as soon as possible he thought."
I got a bit confused here. Did he suddenly remember he was hurt? /
-"He walked back towards his horse[,] took his saddlebag and walked inside.[H]e grabbed some blankets and placed them in the saddlebags [and] then he grabbed food and spare clothes and stuffed them in the saddlebags.[L]astly he took a water skin from the cupboard and placed it in [one of] the saddlebags."
He couldn't place one water skin in all of the saddlebags. :P
-"...mountain ranges.” and then he patted Fleur’s mane..."
-"...and let her graze on the grass on the ground."
Uh, I don't think you need that 'on the ground part' because it's already been established that grass grows on the ground. :P Or maybe I'm wrong... er... ._.
-The flashback was interesting. It's a good insight into Timaneus, his family and his life before now. Very interesting.
To me Timaneus seems like a very determined character and his brother a mysterious one. I can't help but like the people in the village... I think it's the way that they treat him. To me they have a lot of character for a town, heh.
And Timaneus seems like a smart boy, albeit very adventurous (A word which some people can say is synonymous to 'stupid') but that's what makes him interesting! I like what's going on so far, good job!
| xrolipolix chapter 2 . 1/5/2009
Oh, interesting chapter. So things are firing up, eh? Cool!
So first up, all in all you have some nice action going on here. You have the mysterious guy (Who I want to know more about) and then you have that clue. It's even more interesting because the clue also happens to include the title of this story. So in my opinion this is pretty good so far.
Oh, but when a new person speaks you have to make a new paragraph. It's much easier to read for one, especially on the computer, and it's less confusing. So, for example:
"Just hand the piece of paper over and run to your parents.” (New paragraph) “I have no parents,” said Timaneus he clenched his sword tightly.
Um, some suggestions. I’m no wizzkid on grammar and punctuation, but maybe this'll help... "" mu suggestions. :P
-"...left towards home.[H]e walked inside..."
-"he walked inside and spent some time reading.[He then] then went outside and walked over to the Falkville Battleschool [to] practised his swordsmanship on the training posts."
To me that sentence seemed a bit too long. If it helps, try reading your work out loud to see where the full stops and commas should go. :)
-Oh, and I like that the leader wants to make sure that his students get first priority and yet shows kindness. Sounds like a guy who can be both nice and a good teacher.
-"...slip something in[to] his pocket."
Might just be me, but the 'slip something in his pocket' kind of makes it sound like he made something in his pocket trip or fall over. :P
-"“I have no parents.”"
Nice chapter, but I kinda feel as if it's been cut a bit short. The man just charged forward-I wanna know more! Haha, maybe that's what you were aiming for. Either way, I wanted to see the rest of that battle. Other than the above, the chapter seems awesome! Some of the same things from my previous review apply, but chyeah. An interesting chapter, but I would like them to be longer!
| Kar-zid chapter 9 . 12/9/2008
Great chapter, you did describe the battle well, you did a great job. Though Atachi has mercy he still seems to remain cool and collected when in a fight. Maybe afterwards he should be a little disturbed, as he doesn't like to kill. But still, great job. _
| Kar-zid chapter 8 . 12/9/2008
Great chapter, that Amakiri spell sounds very cool. _ Reading on, you've done quite wwell so far with this story...
| Kar-zid chapter 7 . 12/8/2008
Great chapter, I reckon Timaneus could end up being stronger than Atachi... I shall read on.
| Kar-zid chapter 6 . 12/8/2008
Awesome chapter, though at the start there were a lot of grammar and spelling errors. Otherwise it was great, you built a backstory all in one chapter. I will read on, sorry it took me so long to read, other stuff was going on.
| GriffinKnight77 chapter 10 . 11/24/2008
This story is getting pretty interesting, but I would like more emotional responses from the soldiers instead of a "Hey, Bob was crushed by a tree. Let's go fight the guys who can bend mountains." sort of thing. It's gettinga little confusing as to whose side you want the reader to sympathize more with - the rebels or the Empire. You've got likeable characters on both sides, but I'm leaning more towards the rebels' side of the fence.
| DisturbedKittenWriter chapter 1 . 11/11/2008
Goodness! Sorry it took so long for me to respond. I have been so busy! This story has an interesting plot, but there are quite a few tiny grammar things that could be fixed. First, watch your comma use. For example, "Eventually he got into..." would read better with a comma after 'eventually'. Second, put dashes in between ages (" Tall fifteen year old boy" should be "Tall, fifteen-year-old boy"). Third, every time a new person is speaking, indent the dialogue and make it its own paragraph. Other than that, good job. As far as my C2's are concerned, I belong to a couple. The only C2 that I manage is called "Cow Town Authors" and is just a place to showcase the stories from authors who live in my hometown. I am not picky about the stories that go into my C2 as long as they are written by authors from my home town. The other C2s I belong to are managed by other people, so I have no idea what there standards are for stories. You should email them :)
| GriffinKnight77 chapter 9 . 11/4/2008
I'm generally finding Kamato and Norman's story more interesting than Timaneus'. Honestly, the magic-training stuff, while necessary for your character to grow, is, to put it plainly, boring. I don't think you messed up in the fight scene, but my question is why does Kakiri let them live? They could use magic to heal themselves quickly. Have them get out of there alive some other way that actually makes sense. Still, I feel Timaneus is only motivated by revenge. His thought at the end of every chapter is "I'm going to kill Kakiri." Okay, so what if he wants to kill him, but you shouldn't make that the point of the whole story.
| Casey Drake chapter 2 . 11/3/2008
If a man stomped on a man's ribcage with anything approaching force, the ribs wouldn't break, they'd shatter, puncture the lung, and kill the victim.
Why so much violence over a piece of paper?
| Casey Drake chapter 1 . 11/3/2008
This has potential. However, the sentences are choppy. Go through this and read it aloud. Does it sound good?
Several sentences are missing proper punctuation and run on terribly. If you look, you can find them.
Shouldn't 'his kingdom was known as the Empire' be somewhere other than in the middle of the next idea?
This has potential as an interesting story but the grammar takes away from it way too much.
| Kar-zid chapter 5 . 11/3/2008
Awesome chapter, though I think Sadaus went completely ooc when he said he would think about teaching magic to Timaneus, as they are reant to be on opposite sides. But otherwise this chap was great! _ I wonder what the memory is...