OMG...Sorry its internet speak i know and it makes this review less formal but if i had to pick a favorite story of yours this is it. I love fantasy and i love adventure and you mixed the two together so well. I would love to read this if it was a full novel i probably wouldn't put it down till the last page. I would love love to read more if you pick a story to coddle while you take a break from Gatekeepers this should be it. I hope you take my advice and continue it. Sorry this review lacked personal quotes from the story but you know i read it.

Ah, I think the Councilman would have to point out tha Lotus was thinking with her heart when she allowed Elroy go fishing outside the barrier. She is not as hard hearted as she would like.

Indeed, I do have to agree with her in that there should have been an in between for her argument and his. And after all, she did return after she saw the demons. Does that not go against her own argument.

Still, it is an exciting story.

The beginning and end of the chapter seemed really good to me. The middle part about the fishing dragged a bit.

I really like how at the beginning you talk about the demons and the shadow creature as if detached from the whole thing, as if indeed it was a legend. Then you lead the story into the present with Lotus being a hardened surviver of its attacks.

Elroy I envision as that whiny little kid that is in shows that I want to squash. I understand why you use him, and this is my issue. I have a lot of TV issues, mind you.

The ending brought out Lotus's experience and wisdom. She must protect those that she is given to. It is hard to write a hero, when she must run from a fight, but this is understandable. This also makes this story rather unique on this site. I like that bit.

Nice chapter, I'll read more before I say anything else - since you've already got a second chapter.

narq.

I have to agree with everyone when they comment on how heartless Lotus comes across. But at least there was a glimmer of light in the fishing thing with Elroy in chapter one. He (or is it she? I don't think it's explicitly stated? Or maybe it's just me!) is a character that you like one minute and find yourself disagreeing with the next, but can still tell where they're coming from. I really like Lotus' development so far. And the language you use is good too.

I noticed a few spelling mistakes but nothing major.

Look forward to seeing more!

I thought I already added your story to my favorites, but it guess i haven't. Well, now I have. Anyways, that length was okay; I'd rather have it like that than like... five pages long. Anyways, Lotus seems so... so cold and heartless. I wonder why he's like that. Well I'm guessing I will find out, unless you've already explained that in the first two chapters and I was just too blind to see it (and that would make me very blind). Anyways, update soon! :D

This is interesting~ Please update~~

Narq.

Hey well done. How could one guy be so heartless, even though Lotus makes complete sense. That councilman is an idiot, he's like asking the wolf demons to come to thier village. can't wait till new chapters come.

That was really well written. You chose and arranged your words really well! Yeah, there were a few typos and a paragraph was combined with another, but nothing really too noticable. I think this story is really interesting so far! These deamonic creature things that eveyone is afraid of kind of remind me of laguz... (heh heh I think I've been playing a little to much FE). But I'd like to see their true strenght against a human's. Well, I'm looking foward to more, so update soon! ;D

this chapter was well paced and was a great way to introduce us to your story's world. i agree with minoan on how well you set the scene and characters. i read with more enthusiasm when you showed lotus interacting with elroy.

grammar wise, there were several typos, but that wasn't much of a problem. but the way you positioned some of your sentences made me feel like I was reading a Yoda syndrome. it certainly adds an atmosphere to the overall storytelling, but sometimes it detracts more then adds.

besides that, Daybreak seems solid so far. hope you update soon.

You're right, more people do write then review on here!

Anyway, I like the main idea so far. You set the scene and characterise the main character well. They way they so readily accept their fate and that there's nothing they can do is interesting, and pairing Lotus with Elroy, two rather different people, makes for an interesting mix.

There are a few spelling niggles to work out like "unscaved" for "unscathed" and some words missing letters. And the third sentence doesn't quite seem to fit with the voice of the rest of the piece, if that makes sense. (Hey, I'm not a real writer so don't take my advice as gospel or anything!)

Keep at it.

Alright good kind of hard for me to follow but I am a pretty impatient reader. I like it and please keep it up. I saw a few of things I thought were typos but nothing real major. Well update soon.