|Reviews for Brighter|
| the ashtray girl chapter 8 . 5/23/2011
update this! PLEASE
| Guest chapter 5 . 1/24/2010
very not good.
| vitriolicvermilion chapter 8 . 7/2/2009
I really, really like this.
I hope you continue it.
I love a good femmeslash.
| angel-Janna chapter 1 . 5/22/2009
This makes such sense to me, and the feeling you've created in it reminds me of events that happened to me a long time ago.
Please, keep writing!
| i call it insane chapter 8 . 5/21/2009
You need to update. Now.
| The Candle Thief chapter 7 . 3/29/2009
I've read the rest of the story thus far, and have to say that you have some grammatical errors, but not too many. I'll go back and try to point them out when I have the time; when it's not so late. I wouldn't mind rereading it at all, anyway. You're writing is that good, hon. :D
"It was Alice. Alice, Alice, Alice. I was mentally squealing, and grinning like an idiot."
1.) "There was a bit of thread hanging out, so I wrapped it around my finger and pulled.
My throat was dry, but I didn't want to go get a drink and risk either of my parents or siblings finding out I was on the phone."
I think you meant to seperate those two lines into different paragraphs.
2.) "Well, tomorrow, I(...)"
When you trail off with a thought like that and it's at the end of a sentence, you're supposed to add an extra dot for a period.
3.) "Alice would take my let go once they passed."
I think it would sound better if these two sentences where joined. I know you probably did it that way to add style, but I just think it would sound a little less choppy there as a whole.
"But it had left me scrubbing my face extra hard before I went to bed and turned me into an early riser with perfect hair and a growling stomach."
Also liked that part. :)
4.) "The color in her () was no longer blue, but a miserable gray instead."
Need to add the word "eyes" there.
5.)"...one eyebrow raised with a crooked smile I knew was impossible (to) Ash to get rid of when high, even in the most serious of moods."
"To" should be 'for.'
Like I said, love the writing; you almost honed it into a form of poetry in some spots. I also like how well you use your character descriptions; I can get such a clear picture of Alice and the main character. I'm kind of worried about why we're going to start hating Alice, but I guess as a reader, I'll just have to wait and see. I think this is one of those stories I can read purely for pleasure. :D
| Charactarantula chapter 6 . 3/23/2009
That was some blatant and unnecesary foreshadowing at the end, there, in that A/N. Which, I was actually right about, it was the A/N. You definitely should mark that so people don't get confused.
The only error I found was this one:
"But i guess everybody has one of those stages, right?"
You just forgot to capitalize the I.
Anyway, the chapters are slightly larger, but it hasn't really affected my feelings on the piece. I think I liked it better when it had a more mysterious vibe going for it. When the narrator was really flipping out and going out of her way to look good, etc. I felt the chapter was a little awkward, but I think that's just because I found it a little unrealistic, but I also feel like it's building up a plotline that's eventually going to blow up in one way...or the other. (Around chapter 9, I'm assuming. :P) Good work.
-jake (from the RG)
| Charactarantula chapter 5 . 3/23/2009
"Disappointed flooded my body..." I think you meant disappointment.
This kind of took a weird turn for me. Obviously, something is up with this Alice chick because she's crazy weird inviting people into her house that she barely knows, and she seems slightly sinister, even though that's probably unintentional. Then again, I could flip to the next chapter and find out she's actually a vampire and wears all white, prancing around in the night with a motherfucker with the last name Cullen...I'm getting off topic.
For right now, I don't like that. But I'll see what happens in the next chapter. All of my previous praises still stand here. I especially liked how you took the time to note that the narrator was not like this before this Alice chick came into the picture, which brought the situation into a different light.
-jake (from the RG)
| Charactarantula chapter 4 . 3/23/2009
"But it was all in vain as O never saw her for the rest of that week or the following one..." It's OK, the keys are close together. You've got an O instead of an I. :P
"...all looking around as if they knew of someone better to stand next to." Wow, that's what I do. :D
I don't like the new person. Ashley. It's nothing about the way you have written it or anything, and I'm sure she's going to serve some sort of plot purpose, but I don't like her. And am I out of touch with my non-existant feminine side if I thought it was awkward when she used the word crush? I don't know...
You've still got solid descriptions and everything, your narrator is still interesting, and your chapters are still too short for my liking. I shall keep reading. :P
-jake (from the RG)
| Charactarantula chapter 3 . 3/23/2009
I'm enthralled with the narrator, as weird as that sounds. Maybe it's because I never really read stories from a feminine perspective, but the insecurity shown through her actions and emotions really helps shape the character, as, well, normal, I guess. And that's what's really cool about the piece so far. You managed to take bumping into an attractive person in the hallway and getting up late for school into something different, really letting it show who this person is. I applaud that. :P
The descriptions are good, too. One little thing I noticed though that I figured I'd just point out was this one: My long blonde waves were just strings of blonde frizz.
You might want to switch one of the "blonde" words out and use something different. Using the same adjective that close together doesn't look good.
-jake (from the RG)
| Charactarantula chapter 2 . 3/23/2009
So...I guess I was wrong about the A/N thing. My apologies. Anyway, I'm going to pretend, in my mind, that one of these chicks is a dude, because, in my mind, it makes it easier for me to pick apart because I know nothing about lesbian relationships, though, from what you describe, they seem pretty similar to the awkward beginnings of a straight relationship. You've done a fantastic job of capturing the jitteryness and emotional instability (at least, that's what I picked up, we'll see where that goes) of the narrator.
My complaint: The chapter is too short. Honestly, the prologue and this chapter could be combined to make one, and it wouldn't hurt the flow at all. You would just need a page break and you'd be set.
| Charactarantula chapter 1 . 3/23/2009
haha, well, I probably should have read the story description before I signed on. Well, we'll have a go at it anyway. So...prologue. Not gonna' lie, it's really short. But, looking ahead, it looks like most of the chapters are. Trust me, it's going to be one of my biggest complaints as I continue to review. I'm a firm believer in the 2,0 word chapters.
You did manage to make an impression though, dedicated the entire first chapter to the other girl's description. Considering she'll probably be the focus of the story (with the way things look like they're heading) that's not a bad thing.
You also might want to add an A/N tag at the bottom, just to clarify to people that's what it is. (if it, in fact, is an author's note. I could be wrong.)
-jake (from the RG)
| myturntobebrave chapter 6 . 3/7/2009
i like this so far! it's very interesting, and your style is unique.
| all you need is oxygen chapter 6 . 3/7/2009
this is really eye-catching.
i'm eagerly awaiting the next update.
| Katy Lynn chapter 1 . 2/24/2009
I really like the beginning of this story; it starts out with a bang, and really catches the readers attention.
I also enjoyed how desriptive you were of Alice's appearance; it made me able to visualize her perfectly.
I also really liked the opening line; it was heartfelt and beautifully written.
I think this prologue is a definite great start for this story.