|Reviews for Unprinted|
| Lime-Cat chapter 1 . 1/22/2009
The limecat has come bearing the gift of a review! :D
First matter of business - imagery. This poem is overflowing with it - scattered homes on an open plain, a trail of breadcrumbs, a game of connect-the-dots, an incomplete picture/portrait, a blank treasure map that's still being drawn or is inaccurate, a girl on a journey to find the treasure she calls 'life'. All these images bring the poem together to complement the mood of the narrative and ultimately, they make the poem. Of course, the summary helped out a lot, what with the geese and imprinting at birth. The mention of one of my favorite childhood games, connect-the-dots, and turning that into a concept by relating that to a journey on a treasure map of the speaker's life is very interesting to say the least. I found layer upon layer of associative language in this short poem and it's absolutely brilliant! This was a very fun read despite the depressing tone of the poem.
I do have a slight problem with the structure and break points of each line. You end a line at odd places and that makes it difficult for me to carry the thought of one line to the next, which creates a gap in the thought/logic processes. I found myself having to go back to re-read lines in order to piece the entire poem into one coherent poem. Allow me to elaborate on this:
"I leave a scattering of homes behind / me like a trail of breadcrumbs from death / to birth. [...]" - I feel it would be easier on the reader (aka, me) if you have it as "I leave a scattering of homes behind me / like a trail of breadcrumbs from death / to birth. [...]" I see how you want to emphasize the image of someone leaving something behind, but that one word, "me", gets in the way. If I were writing something like this, I would have trouble making the decision on where to put that one word or to get rid of it. You may want to experiment with this one, but do keep the "breadcrumbs from death" part - it's wickedly funny/cool.
"Connect the dots and you / find a picture incomplete. My treasure " - I debated with myself for a while on these two lines, but in the end, I decided I like it better the way you have it right now. I had considered adding a word or two to have it read, "Connect the dots and you / will find a picture, incomplete. My treasure". It was after I typed that out that I realized if I were to read the latter part of the sentence, it would pretty much say 'you'll find an incomplete picture that is my treasure'. Then, you will continue with that idea and elaborate on it using the rest of the poem. I would still suggest a comma after "picture" to put emphasis on "incomplete". (I checked with MS Word and it said there's no grammar error with either format - comma or no comma. :D) I find it amazing how multiple reads only makes me see deeper into the poem.
Note: I wrote this in MS Word a few weeks ago intent on playing in RG Depth. I saved it to be finished up later, but I never got around to it and have since forgotten what I originally wanted to say. Sorry for the incomplete review and I hope this helps a little bit, if any.
| Amarone chapter 1 . 1/11/2009
interesting concept. you bring up some very unique visuals- "trail of breadcrumbs" and the part about connecting the dots but finding it incomplete was excellent - that definitely set the base of this piece, imo. At first i thought it would be a bit choppy with the short sentences but it actually flows pretty nicely, with the well put lines and good word usage. i'm a little put off by the concluding line - it seems a tad bit "less" than the rest of the piece, by "less" i mean less powerful/meaningful, too plain. If you could spice it up somehow, maybe have the same idea but by expressing it differently, it'd conclude this much better. also, "If/belonging is derived from soil that/surrounds but doesn't touch me." - You don't have a 'then', only an 'if', so, when read, it sounds incomplete - i don't really get it, either, if you could maybe elaborate just slightly upon it but still reserve it's simplicity, that'd be great. I like what you did with the 'x-es' - creative. Was a pun intended? with the 'x' and the 'treasure map'? Either way, it's much more unique than simply saying 'excess'.
| half-sketched.staccatos chapter 1 . 12/28/2008
This is my favorite line: "Connect the dots and you / find a picture incomplete." It gives the sense of "I have lived life but not to the fullest; I am not done yet." Something is missing. Something I wish I had.
The other great line is "If belonging is derived from soil that / surrounds but doesn't touch me." Also poetic and beautiful. :)
| Mayo on toast chapter 1 . 12/26/2008
I love the imagery; your descriptions give visuals to otherwise abstract feelings and emotions
"from death to birth"; am I just not completely getting it or is this backward?
Other than that, brilliant poem with excellent imagery. I can really see the roiling emotions contained in the persona's mind.
| Imalefty chapter 1 . 11/11/2008
a review from the review game in celebration of its first birthday! :D
You have some nice images here – the breadcrumbs, connecting the dots. I like the use of “x-es.” XD I think you definitely portrayed the emotions nicely – and in such a short poem, too! XD I think the last line may have been more effective if it was just “I will find my way home” to make it sound more determined, but otherwise, good job. Keep writing! :)
| Princess-anna57 chapter 1 . 10/26/2008
This is beautiful. I love it. It's so simple but really tugs at your emotions (well it did for me). :) Gorgeous. Write on my friend!
| Nemonus chapter 1 . 10/13/2008
Very good. Only the last line was at all stale. This was a creative one, with very good imagery of the map.
| Isca chapter 1 . 10/9/2008
I liked the first part. The imagery of scattered homes was beautiful and sorrowful! I like the ending as well, where the narrator finds hope, and is determined to find their way home :)