|Reviews for Chomp|
| annawilliam chapter 1 . 12/31/2008
I can so relate to this story.
Anyway, love your writing style, the stroy itself is beautiful. I just love it. :)
| Rose Elizabeth chapter 1 . 12/28/2008
Hello, I'm Rose
Alexis told me about you too...thank you for the review!
I really liked this story, particularly the opening:
"The moon is a milk-white paper lantern, drifting down to the gulf of sunset. The balmy sweetness of the spring dusk mingles with the spicy piquancy of perfume spilling from the cups of the flame-striped gulmohar blossoms. You are in love.'
It sounds so beautiful and evocative...and sets the the tone of the story perfectly.
I also like the ending, the way in which her infatuation fades to indifference. The second person approach also managed to draw me in.
By the way, to be honest, green tea isn't my personal favourite either! I like it black with milk and maybe sugar and spices or herbal! But Alexis likes green tea :)
so I've been drinking it a bit lately!
| Duuude chapter 1 . 12/15/2008
I keep on favouriting everything everywhere by accident. Stupid, stupid me.
Anyway, you deserve it though. You portrayed it all so perfectly. I was thinking... I have had an obsession like that once. I don't like people much.
And it was with a celebrity that I've never actually ventured out to try and meet, so I don't think I was so obsessed anyway.
Beautiful descriptions. You are amazing at those. I wish I had your talent. And then my stories could be be a bit more ... profound.
Awesomely written. You should totally have more reviews.
The waning thing's true too and the annoying your friends. Cause damn, my friend's can't stop talking about their crushes.
Anyway. I like this character. This person. And the way you used "you" instead of "she". It works. It's more engaging and ... yeah, it works.
As you can see I'm not the most eloquent. What I'm saying in this incredibly long and boring thing is, I like. D
| InSilverShadows chapter 1 . 10/23/2008
Beautiful! i have never been to india but i hope one day to visit. you make it sound so romantic :)
| Ersa Crayold chapter 1 . 10/13/2008
Review Game: Depth
[Spelling/Grammar] - The phrase "you’ve haven’t" should be "you haven't." Also, "Pretty please? With sugar on top?" would be better as: "Pretty please, with sugar on top?" because otherwise it looks fragmented with the capital "W" since "With sugar on top?" isn't another complete thought.
[Opening/Ending] - Very nice introduction and conclusion. Honestly, I love how you opened it with a scene of the gulmohar blossoms flowering and ending with the wilting of the gulmohar blossoms that symbolize her falling in and out of the crush. I also like the simple way you ended the story, it gave the story a sad ending with a slight hint that she can now move on with her life.
[Dialog] - Your dialogue flowed quite nicely (even with the tiny errors) which is something I think most internet writers have trouble with. The other thing I liked about your dialogue was that it was all in italics showing that it was all in the past and that she was now looking back on it.
[Enjoyment] - I personally have never read a second POV story written so well on FictionPress so I was quite surprised and elated to find your piece. It was really easy to feel the character's frustration and happiness whenever they saw their crush; I was practically sitting on the edge of my seat when I found out her crush was "In a relationship." The other thing I liked was how you drew the line between "love" and "obsession" which turned out that the latter was true for the character.
| Sarah Isaacs chapter 1 . 10/13/2008
I really love the reality of this story. You did a wonderful job of depicting the head over heels, totally absorbedness (i know this is not a word ;) of a crush, and then how it all comes to an end. I was immediately captured by the first sentence, depicting the moon as a lantern was just very poignant for some reason :) And the flow from there on till the ending was a very comfortable and beautiful pace.
The second person pov was done very well - again. You described things so beautifully and originally. I have to say I loved how you included the changing of seasons along with the main character's changing of heart. Very AP English of you :) (but isn't that what writing is anyway?) There were no tense flaws either, which is very good too.
Characterization was wonderful - imho. The protaganist, the truly flawed nature of a crusher; the overly obsessiveness, the light-headed giddy tendency, abuse of friends and all acquaintances, was communicated with perfect subtlety, and yet remained obvious. It was easy to relate to the entire piece. It was kind of like reading my own journal, the emotions were so genuine. Bravo!
The little bits of dialogue, without the tags or anything, were also this way. There were just enough used to give texture to the piece, and to draw the reader into the world of the characters more completely. Another brilliant touch on your part. You showed not only the protaganist's feelings and actions, but how those were viewed by her friends, what could be called the antagonists of your story.
Then there was the end. At first I was concerned when I saw how short the ending paragraph was, but I was amazed to read such an eloquent description of that fading process called 'moving on'. It was a steady, short process, your paragraph, that mirrored what you were writing about. I applaude you. You understand the art of writing.
I hope to see more soon!
| xLittleBlackConverse chapter 1 . 10/13/2008
That was beautifully written. And I live in India and I've got to say, you captured the whole ethnic scene quite authentically (what with the mangoes and everything) Haha. Anyway, brilliant writing!
| Alexis or ahoyhoy chapter 1 . 10/13/2008
I review this wonderful bittersweet one-shot from amidst a veritable fortress of books (I hate exams!). Just thought I'd stop studying for a second to say how perfectly beautiful this piece is. Strangely enough, the second person approach works rather well. I can only attribute this to your marvelous talent.
IOU about.. two reviews for "Shadowlit Facades"?
| Equilibrium chapter 1 . 10/13/2008
As strange as it sounds, I'm very glad the protagonist doesn't end up with her crush in the end. The ending is beautiful and melancholy and perfect just the way it is. I appreciate the uncliched, realistic, bittersweet feel of this oneshot, and the lovely descriptions. And try as I might, I really can't find anything to criticise. Fantastic job!