|Reviews for Coming Ashore|
| empty tea bottles chapter 1 . 1/18/2009
"Once upon an age-old ship, a man held the railing with a captain’s grip."
Wow! powerful first line! "Captain's grip" is such forceful wording.
"But the Rosemary was worn and her crew so forlorn,
That they made no effort to escape though she did implore."
Hm, these lines threw me off a bit. It just seems to mess with the flow, doesn't seem as natural as all your other rhymes. Then again, I realize how strict this form is.
"By the life of the ocean herself, knelt on his knees and swore,"
Shattering imagery! Just beautiful.
"And the bodies of her crew, bleeding, swollen had shown up too."
Something about this line just doesn't do it for me. It seems so bland and undynamic compared to the rest of the poem, more like something you'd read in an informational piece. Imho, anyway.
Overall, very well done poem. I enjoyed reading it. For the most part, the rhythm is smooth and took me right through without a problem!
| Alaxe chapter 1 . 11/30/2008
Sorry-I would explain but there is not much to explain, because plain and simply I forgot. Sorry. And thanks for letting me know, I would feel horrible if the debt went unpaid.
The last stanza was very good and final. I personally found the second stanza slightly confusing, but by the end of the story it made since. Over all you mastered the assignment to write a poem under The Raven's format. I like the idea.
| Air Rey chapter 1 . 11/9/2008
Gripping. Haunting. Wow! At first, I thought that this is only a mere copycat of Edgar Allanm Poe's Raven. As I read on, it starts to unravel as a poem shouting with individuality. The devices you used were pulled off with such great ease. It seems as if you owned the devices used by Edgar Allan Poe. Still, I fear that this poem lurks in the shadow of the great Edgar Allan Poe. Some people may find fault in you for that. Maybe, you could experiment by using the devices with a little twist. But, in general, well done. I admire you as a writer.
| dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 10/27/2008
Very nice poem! You did the assignment well instead of just doing the assignment, so kudos to you! :)
The plot in this was very good. It progressed in a logical way, and it made complete sense; the meaning wasn't distorted by your words.
I also really liked your refrain. It's an interesting choice given your assignment. Did you start with that line and work from it? Anyway, like I said, it's an interesting idea to work with, and its placement at the end worked out really well.
| dustytiger chapter 1 . 10/26/2008
well done! i like this a lot, great work, thank you for sharing
| LadyGawain chapter 1 . 10/23/2008
This is really good Jess-jo I'm superbly impressed! It's my favez out of all of your poems so far XD
| Jilted Eve chapter 1 . 10/22/2008
Wow. As I read I could feel that you envoked the feelings of Poe's writing, captured his style interestingly. It tells a story and yet it is simple, yet quite...something. Beautifully tragic.
One thing though: "Never did she falter course though water did outpour/Like blood or tears from Rosemary did the water outpour"
Was outpour meant to be used twice? If so, then ignore this.
If not I would suggest, and this is just me,: "Like blood or tears, the water did fall into her wooden core."
My favouite stanza would have to be the last. It's haunting and intrigues me. Great job!
- An Apple Bleeds At Twilight
| Eponine254 chapter 1 . 10/15/2008
This is good! I particularly like the ending, and you've done a good job of using Poe's rhyme scheme. My only criticism is that sometimes the word order feels forced to fit the rhyme - things like "water did outpour"/"did the water outpour". Otherwise it's lovely though. Good job!
| outerdarkness chapter 1 . 10/14/2008
Amazing. I love poem and the ideas by itself, but with the morbidness of Poe completes this masterpeice.