konban wa

I have a few favorite lines, two of which I want to add to my quote book if that is all right with you. The following are my favorites:

"and outside / my sky that bleeds blue / is crumbling already."

"on the days we are not / ourselves, i think we should / light a candle and mourn the / loss."

my father sees himself losing / me everyday, says, "poetry / won't save you honet." but daddy, poetry has saved / me / twice already."

Anyway, I have to go. I promised my little brother that I would watch a movie with him. :P

Ha det

-Shan-

Beautiful swing-sky imagery! :)

'I don't want to wake you.' Stunning! That tugged at my heartstrings :)

" i used to think if i went

just a little further up on the

swing, i'd be able to touch the

sky"

So true :)

"my father sees himself losing

me everyday, says," poetry

won't save you honey."

but daddy, poetry has saved

me

twice already."

wow, how true! People just don't always understant how some people reileve stress.

Great job :)

Overall I think this is a pretty good poem. I like the conversational style. The descriptions are good, nice imagery! I really like the parts "but daddy, poetry has saved me twice already" and "when i was a kid...i'd be able to touch the sky" The mood of this poem seems almost nostalgic and mournful of the lost hopefulness of childhood :/

Some parts, however, were unclear. "A house of sleeping thoughts, I dont want to wake you up" are you still talking to your father here? What is the house of sleeping thoughts? It's a nice image, and I'm not saying you should make it 100% clear, because then there wouldn't be as much left open to interpretation, but maybe change the wording of that passage so that it flows more. Maybe "in a house of sleeping thoughts" or expand on who you dont want to wake up. Also, I think the use of the word "crap" takes away from the poem. "Crap" is too... I dont know, it just doesn't work here.

Anyways, I liked this. And the more I read it over to comment, the more I liked it. :)