|Reviews for Safe Place|
| prplmum chapter 48 . 8/22/2011
I have just finished reading the story so far and what a lonely life Gabe has led, I think Jess is his soul mate that's why she has accepted him so easily and feels so protective of him. I do hope the stay together.
| Dave chapter 2 . 8/22/2011
Here is what I saw at a glance. There are a few other small things I did not detail because
1) I'm tired,
2) I wasn't sure if you wanted a critique to begin with, and
3) most of it was pertaining to the dialogue sequences, which I am very familiar with having a mixed back ground in theeatre and creative writing, but also allow for improper or unormal grammar choices and word spellings to reflect the character's accent or personality, or intelligence level.
"and realized she needed to travel least another block in the..." add "at" between "travel" and "least"
"She seen that guy come in just about every..." to "She had seen"
"same thing like clockwork around 1 p.m." to "same thing at 1 pm, like clockwork" - this gives the point then the analogy rather than the analogy then the point. You can also replace the specific time of "1pm" to simply "same time" it will have the same net effect, unless Jess' shift being at 1pm is critical some how in this chapter.
"Her roommate was a nice girl when she wasn't five-finger palming everything from her, and they were second cousins and all…" - made me crack a smile
"I've learned my lesson when you burned my last one you cow." - "burned my last one, you cow!" add the "," "you cow" is superflous.
"But you got a stylish belt in return, which, I might add, was more than your dollar store scarf, chick." Copy paste this guy. The added commas break the sentence, adding natural pauses for the reader (whether it be aloud or in thier mind), and allowing for interjected thoughts, asides, or superfluous content. I just did that in my explination of why this is grammatically stronger, so, by all means, review as needed. (Hint: "by all means" in that last bit is superfluos as "fuck"... english major joke)
"It wasn't that yellow." put the word "that" in italics to match the underlying sarcasm being passed between Jess and Mel
"Ugh, gag me. I rather swear off sex for" make the "I" to "I'd" or "I would"
"Y'know…if you like yellow...we can put some blonde highlights-" I'd suggest replacing the elipses with simple cammas here. Elipses suggest a much longer pause then people often give credit for, or a break in thought when caused by abscentmindedness or aloofness.
The "-" at the end showing that Mel is being interrupted which is correct per any given script, which dialogues tend to follow script format. Now, all of that being said, cammas are often thought of as small pauses but can be as dramatically long as required. It is then, ultimtely, left to the reader how they decide to act out Mel's dialogue.
If that is unacceptable for you, for some reason, then I'd redact my suggestion.
I'd suggest that you make a decision with dialogue and style and for the most part retain consistency. If you are going to be controlling of the reader, then I'd suggest reading a script over and take notes to how the original playwright will detail how they invision the characters moving, standing, etc. Then I'd convert that over to your writing, detailing, before or after the dialogue, how the character expresses themself. All in all, the short version, use commas.
"Hell. NO" Here again, punctuation changes a great deal. You are missing any punctuation at the end, but I'm confident you're going to want an "!" after no. Now, the period indicated a strong pause.
"Hell" "NO!" think of it like that. You probably want it to be more exasperated and snappy, so I'd suggest simply "hell no!" in italics.
Last note worthy comment on dialogue and descriptors, try to assign them in "turns." So it is Mel's turn to talk or "act" (descriptor) she may do so in any order, but you should be sure to limit Jess' actions (descriptors) and dialogues when it is Mel's turn and vice versa.
"You know," Dave said to Faith, picking up the Caffe Machiato expresso, comically extending his pinky finger away from the miniature, porcelin, expresso cup, "I really enjoyed what I saw here." He let his green eyes meet her brown irisis, his hard-set brow softening to express his sincerity. "I'm looking forward to having some time to continue on with the story."
Faith was unconvinced that Dave's opinions carried any real weight to them though. "Is that so? Seems to me like you carry on about your suggestions, and audaciously correct my 'errors' but you're just a damn crew chief! Why not go turn the wrench you damn knuckle dragger!" She snapped in a heated self defense. Her hands firmly placed palm down on the small table between them, her body barely restrained enough to remain in her chair.
"You'd be wise to speak when spoken to from now on!" she exclaimed, punctuating her unhappiness with his words.
Dave simply got up, and walked out of the small coffee shop, unable to recover from his gaffe.
- soooo yeah. Hope that helps.
Really enjoyed chapter one and the prologue, if you want to talk about any of what I had to say, by all means. If You do not want my further feedback or whatever I'll happily shut up and color.
| Aneesha chapter 48 . 8/17/2011
good chapter! Man Rainer is so bad ass..such a hottie ;) lol
Poor Jess. I feel bad for her. I just hope Gabe tells her how he feels soon!
Update soon please :)
| smurf-love chapter 48 . 8/16/2011
HAHAHA thats great, i love venessa haha and im so glad they are outta trouble for now lol...
| pbgurl chapter 48 . 8/16/2011
Jess's breakdown in the bathroom made me sad. :'(
Yes, those two need to stop being stubborn and tell eachother how they feel.
They especially need to have a little lovin' that was interuppted by Rainer back at the hotel. :)
Loving how bada** Rainer is. That was an epic moment, when he scared the sh*t out of Selene!
| Daddy's Little Peach chapter 48 . 8/16/2011
I want my own Gabe :( Even if he is a bad-ass vampire that repeatedly puts me in danger!
As always, thank you for yet another wonderful distraction from studying; I'm stoked that Rainer and Vanessa are slowly being explained, their characters are so fascinating, I just hope you do eventually tell us exactly how old he is. Actually, I think i want a Rainer instead of a Gabe - anyone who does that to Selene is totally perfect in my eyes.
| lazydancer chapter 46 . 7/18/2011
Please update soon!
Safe Place is one of my all time favorites and I just can't wait for more. I love Gabe and Jessica. And Rainer and Vanessa.
And just ugh, this story, I love it.
So please update as soon as you can! I'd greatly appreciate it!
| eggshellwhite chapter 46 . 7/17/2011
I found this story a while ago and have been waiting to review until I finally reached the updated and recent chapter. I had to stave off my opinion until now. However, I greatly enjoy your story and can’t wait for the next chapter. Btw, LOVE Rainer’s character…brought some laughs to an angsty situation.
| OneChance chapter 46 . 7/9/2011
Oh, wow. I'm very impressed! Although you have alot of typos. *wince*. Might want to work on that. Good story though!
| Sachi Nehme chapter 46 . 7/8/2011
Wow. Freaking amazing.
That is all.
| The-Alpis chapter 46 . 7/8/2011
oh my gosh! This was an awesome chapter. I can't wait for the next. Selene should go down in an awesome way!
| MistressOfCats chapter 46 . 7/8/2011
*stunned silence* I'm in awe of your story. The brief sex scene was amazing. I can only imagine how the full scene is going to go. I can't wait. That was hot. I love Jess and Gabe. As far as secondary characters I love Rainer and Vanessa.
| maiqst chapter 46 . 7/7/2011
For some reason, i'm not able to login... Wickedly awesome chapter.
| Daddy's Little Peach chapter 46 . 7/7/2011
OMG you left it there? If this wasn't one of the best stories I've read on this site then I would totally hate you right now!
I think I might go back and reread it all, just for kicks :)
| Aneesha chapter 46 . 7/7/2011
yay! Another update :D
Holy shut this chapter was honestly amazingly written!
All the details were perfect!
That's right Rainer and Vanessa totally kick ass! I love them! :D
I wonder what he's gonna do!
Update soon :D