Reviews for A Plain Summer
Twist Their Emotions chapter 7 . 11/24/2008
Alright. Interesting. It's slowly building up.
Twist Their Emotions chapter 6 . 11/22/2008
Interesting as usual. But it's a tad slow.
raineyday chapter 1 . 11/22/2008
This is very well-written. I really like Whitney's character; she's realistic, believable. She's definitely someone that the reader can identify with. I'm only one chapter in and I can see already that she's very strong as a character. Well done!

There are a couple instances where I think you can cut back on the detail. You really have a wonderful eye for detail, but at some points I think it's actually your downfall. Keep it very succinct. Especially with actions. It tends to slow down the actual pace of the story. And I have this same problem! :P So, I thought I'd pass on some advice that was given to me.

One other little thing: "His tone was one of unapproval..." Disapproval. :)

Other than that, though, very well-written story! You're an incredibly polished, professional writer. Kudos to you! :)
Sophronia Lee chapter 1 . 11/20/2008
I like how you began the chapter with a dream; jumping right into the action and whatnot. It makes it interesting.

There were very few grammatical/spelling errors, for which I commend you. :)

However, your style is a bit wordy, and, quite frankly, kind of dry. I found my mind wandering as I read it.
Twist Their Emotions chapter 5 . 11/18/2008
Damn. I do love bitchy chicks. Haha. I think this whole thing is interesting and can't wait for more!
asylum writer chapter 1 . 11/18/2008
Review Game!

I like the believablity of this - both the characters and the plot. The characters definitely seem like college students with college student problems. It's so much more interesting than the unoriginal high school stories on here. (Not that a good high school story can't be written, but...)

Then there's also Whitney's family and whatnot, so that adds interest.

A few grammar mistakes to mention:

"The anthropology classes at New York University began in approximately one hour and it’s most dedicated student still lay in bed."

No apostrophe in "it's" - just "its".

"You’re GPA is well over the 3.25 requirement."

"Your", not "You're".

But really, no other complaints. I'm interested in where this is going.
SuzannaR chapter 1 . 11/18/2008
Good first chapter.

You did a good job of introducing the protagonist.

I liked the transition to and from the dream sequence too, It gives insight into the main character s history.

I found Whitney and her friends (and the prof- ha I had one that would lock you out when you were late too!) were very believable.

I did find some grammatical errors:

- "difficult to maneuver between the masses, many of which were not". Shouldn t it be many of whom?

- it's most dedicated student-its (I think you did this several times)

-"comforter than had been"- you meant that

Good Job!
Kinderwhore chapter 1 . 11/16/2008
Review game!

I found this to be a really interesting read - it's pretty rare to find a story on FP that DOESN'T involve characters in their mid-teens, and even rarer to find one that portrays the chosen age group so accurately. I found Whit's grant/thesis dilemma to be entirely believable and realistic, and it was also a great way to crowbar in the plot. Kudos for originality! :D

Your writing is good - clean and readable, and speaking as a person who has never studied anthropology, I never noticed when you DID start using anthropological terms, so I wouldn't worry about that. The only flaw that I could see were typos. Here's a few that jumped out to me:

"and it’s most dedicated student" -I'm pretty sure you meant "its" :)

"It was going to be a long night. His wife wouldn’t stop complaining until far into the night." -You repeated "night" here, which isn't a mistake as such, but it generally helps to vary your vocabulary if the repetition will occur in such close proximity (or you could always add a couple of descriptive sentences in as a sort of buffer between the two night's).

"her disheveled short, sandy blonde hair" -Too many adjectives describing her hair - but as you're writing this for Nanowrimo, I can understand why you did this ;p

"unapproval" -I'm almost certain the word is "disapproval"

There were a few more typos here and there, but none that I can remember. Anyway, overall it was good, and I'm sure you'll get round to fixing them when November's over.

Keep it up!
deefective chapter 1 . 11/16/2008
Well, so far so good. I really liked the opening because it was descriptive and the writing style you presented fit the story well. Also, I think the fact that you write this in 3rd person is for the best. It would maybe be different in 1st person but not better. For this story it seemed right to use 3rd person. I also have to say that the spelling and grammar are well done. There are almost no errors. Nicely done.
noebody chapter 2 . 11/14/2008
You really know how to make your characters believable and that's a really good talent for a writer. I like that Whitney has a believable problems where I as the reader can relate to her struggle. I've been in the same boat, no money, in college and having to call your not so least fav person for a loan. Your dialog is really believable as well. Its well-written and draws you into the story. Again, I can't think of anything negative to say, umm maybe when you do inner dialog to put quotes around it so the reader if they don't notice with just the italic. I don't know if that's a neg though but honestly keep up the good work your an awesome writer!
noebody chapter 1 . 11/14/2008
ok i really have to start off by saying bravo.. you are a fantastic writer! I don't really have anything negative to say really.. The opening really got me right away and your writing style is really smooth it kept my attention. I have a lil ADD so that is really a plus. (Great way to have a flashback seq too with a dream.) The emotions you put it too were really good! All in all great stuff and i'm sorry i couldn't think of anything negative to say.
Twist Their Emotions chapter 3 . 11/11/2008
Interesting. The idea is really original. I like this a lot!
Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 11/11/2008
It’s the birthday of The Review Game Forum! To celebrate we send gifts to those important to RG. Thank you for having been part of the community and help spread review love! D

“and it’s most dedicated student still lay in bed”

-its

Do you mean to say that the students, which have class in one hour, are in bed? Or are students in general in bed? Because if the first, then I have a hard time picturing it :p Especially for ladies to do their makeup etc haha. And if the latter, please make that more apparent.

“With a grimace, she noticed that she had boarded the bus driven by her least favorite driver”

The line would be more powerful if you tightened it a bit. Ie,

She grimaced. Today was her least favourite bus driver working the bus.

And another final suggestion: The title. “A plain summer” isn’t very inviting, for who wishes to read about something plain for chapters and chapters? Not a good first impression, especially since by judging the first chapter, this will be anything but plain to Whit :p (I apologize if I somehow missed out of a word pun regarding plain).

Out with the bad in with the good:

I find your characters to be real. I mean, the whole snoozing before morning class, exchanging notes if you’re late, very familiar :) I also liked that someone as apparently high and mighty (academic wise) as Whit can have troubles and it’s not all a dance on roses.

-Frac
AnnabelleMarie chapter 2 . 11/4/2008
Very amazing seeing as this is only being setting up. In two chapters you've established Whitney as a strong character, as well as Dr. Morrison. I will be looking forword to more. :)
Equilibrium chapter 1 . 10/29/2008
A very good starting chapter! It's certainly made me want to read more. As always, the names you come up with are believable and, at the same time, not too ordinary. The surname "Everlette", in particular, has a nice ring to it. Everything else is happily error-free.

One thing I could advise you change is the summary for the story. There are a few grammatical/spelling mistakes in there. "chooses to write it over the Amish culture" should be "chooses to write about the Amish culture", and "her heart tells her different" should be "her heart says otherwise". Apart from that, "relationship" is wrongly spelled as "retionship".

Nice job. This is going on my Alert list. Keep up the good work!
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