|Reviews for The Cleansing|
| Little girl Big world chapter 1 . 5/24/2009
I thought this was very well written, different and interesting. Well done!
| Isca chapter 1 . 3/25/2009
"You dance beside them." I love the tone here, and the connection between this person and the 'ethereal' colours/breeze is wonderful.
"Clothespin prisons." Interesting!
| chaos called creation chapter 1 . 1/7/2009
This makes me think of laundry :)
| ilovetheopera chapter 1 . 10/27/2008
i think this would be better with sparser punctuation. sometimes i feel unnecessary punctuation makes a line very weak. and you have a lot of lines that just dilute the meaning of the poem so you could get rid of a lot of stuff. though i like "clothespin prisons" very much. it sounds good when read aloud, you know?
and i spotted a coupla rhyming lines in this, you could bunch them all together? because like the poem is about freedom isn't it. so like paradoxically if you put the lines into rhyming verses then it would kind of be like how they are caught in the clothespins... idk. i just feel like this could be more powerful than it is now. meaning it is actually pretty good and my standards are rather high, i'll give you that.
my criticism has been rebuked in the past few reviews i gave people so hopefully you will take it gracefully because i really do think it would make it better even though i am not exactly very qualified or anything. and possibly this may not be aligned with your vision but i would edit your poem to become something like this:
bright and dull colours alike dance in the breeze
patterns sing of the need to be free.
beside them, you float as if ethereal.
you are captured in these clothespin prisons,
while the scent of soap
and fresh air tickles your senses.
soft earth beneath your feet
sky calling above your hair
the wind chanting "join me join me be free" -
and you dance beside the clean sheets
in the breeze, unrestrained
you fly higher still.
yeah it's not my best edit but i hope you get my drift! :)
| Ernest Bloom chapter 1 . 10/27/2008
this is almost really, really good, and i hope you'll forgive me for saying i'd rather the clothespins were manacles than prisons; but then of course the whole thing would fall apart. but i can't see clothespins as prisons, and as a result for me it turns into a commercial for fabric softner. so sorry! cos i think it's really well-written.