Reviews for Vampire Heart |
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![]() ![]() ![]() Hey Mara, Answer to your question: Chris haha Anyways, your doing an awesome job . and if you ever get the time, please read and review my story, the truth thanks! - Christina |
![]() ![]() ![]() WHY I’D KEEP READING Interesting premise. I’ve never read a vampire romance with the vampire as a student ‘supervising’ another to prevent her expulsion. It makes me curious about what sort of excuses he’ll make to explain why he can watch her AND take his classes, at the same time. I’m also curious about the other vampire students, and what kind of institution the school they’re attending is. Why are they supporting vampires? Why are there so few vampires attending? Why are the vampires attending, period? You have a lot of potential to take this in several different, interesting directions. WHY I WOULDN’T The problem with all these possibilities is that they’re just that: possibilities. Your first chapter is somewhat uninteresting except for the problem that Chris will have in trying to explain how he’ll juggle both Rose and his ‘classes’. Your characters are otherwise typical, almost cardboard cut-outs of other characters from other novels. Rose’s one distinction is that she wears bows. The others practically have no distinctions. It IS the first chapter, of course, so they’ll have a chance to develop into actual people-ish characters, but that’s the problem. If your characters have no distinction, and your plot is apparently just Character A gets together with Character B (with no hints of tensions, problems, etc), and your setting is ambiguous—why SHOULD I keep reading? Just because it MIGHT get better, or because this MIGHT happen later on, isn’t a good enough reason because other stories have the same promise. So: what sets this story apart from the other stories? That’s what your first chapter needs to be; everything else after it can be ‘normal’, but the first needs something more than just the promise that it MIGHT this or MIGHT that. You also have a plethora of grammatical errors throughout your first chapter. I’m just a nitpicky person in general, but when there are more than two sentences missing punctuation, it makes me wonder if the author really does care for their story or not. Did she just slap together some words and posted them online, without even bothering to check it first? Is she even dedicated to making the story better, cooler, etc? GRAMMAR & SUCH a. I didn't bother to open my eyes, I just moved my hand frantically around the top of my bedside table until I touched the alarm. – You have a comma splice: two or more independent clauses squished together without a semi-colon, colon and or a conjunction. There are a few other sentences that have been spliced together with only commas, and they’re all equally grammatically incorrect. b. "Rose, turn that thing off" Lydia groaned from the other side of the room. – Always separate quotes from the rest of your sentences. If the quote doesn’t have an exclamation point, question mark, em-dash or period, you have to use a comma. You have several more sentences with quotes that need punctuation marks in them. c. I pulled my real alarm off the table off the desk. – Typo, I suppose? ‘off the table off the desk’ doesn’t make any sense, considering a table is essentially the same thing as a desk. d. "What! It's eight thirty Lydia!" I screamed, throwing the alarm across the room without bothering to turn it off. – When you’re writing seriously, just use one punctuation mark, even if the emotion is really strong. You can use other tools to emphasize emotion (words, for example; character actions, for another). e. "What! It's eight thirty Lydia!" I screamed, throwing the alarm across the room without bothering to turn it off. – If Character A is speaking to Character B, Character B’s name should be separated from the sentence by a comma. Which you did in excerpt (b) but didn’t do here, with ‘Lydia’. f. "You're alarm is Satan!" – ‘Your’ is the possessive form of ‘you’. What you have in this sentence is, essentially: You are alarm is Satan. Typo? g. Lydia and I were half way through year 11; I was young for my year, only sixteen. – This came out of nowhere. The narration is focused on her getting ready, then it suddenly switches to her class and grade, then it suddenly switches back to her getting ready. If you want to give readers information about your characters, just ask yourself two questions: 1) Is this information relevant to what’s happening NOW in the story? and 2) Do I need-need (really need) this information now, or can I just wait for later to introduce it? h. We had to be at the cafeteria before quartered to eight, so Lydia and I ran down the hallways, holding each others hands. – ‘others’ should be possessive as well as plural. Add in an apostrophe. Typo? i. Miss Hurst my trigonometry teacher yelled from her office – Here, you have an appositive phrase that interrupts the sentence: ‘my trigonometry teacher’. In a case like this, when you have already given a character a name but want to give that character or thing another name (Miss Hurst, then ‘trigonometry teacher’), you need to separate that other name (the appositive phrase) from the sentence with commas. j. before they could send us to the principle Mr Dromgool. – Principal, not principle. A principle is an idea, an ideal, a goal. A principal is a person. k. But every time I ask Mr Dromgool she says she hasn't got any spare rooms. – Mr Dromgool is a man, correct? Who would the female pronouns refer to then? l. She wrote at the end of her geography book – You miss several punctuations. This is the second or third sentence that didn’t have a period. m. When Lydia and Rose were writing to each other in the notebook, it’s better if you pretended that quotes existed around the writing, and treat the writing as quotations. [‘What took you so long?’ she wrote at the end of her geography book.] Don’t separate the writing and the writer into separate paragraphs, and don’t capitalize the first word of the narration (she), just like you wouldn’t capitalize the first word after a quote in a case like this [“I love you,” he said.] n. Then I suppose it is up to you and you may do what you wish. – This is me being extra nitpicky. You need a comma after the first ‘you’ because the second half of the sentence is an independent clause. o. ‘obverse from’ doesn’t necessarily make sense the way you used it in this instance: "We do not have enough seats in the classrooms" What a lame excuse. It was obverse from the way the night school students looked they only accept beautiful people. – O.K. Assuming that ‘obverse’ can mean either ‘a counterpart’ or ‘a reverse’, what it is defined as, how does [It was a counterpart from the way] or [It was a reverse from the way] make any sense? p. He was probably assuming me as messed – You’re missing a word, here. q. “Yeah you to Rose” – ‘too’, not ‘to’. |
![]() ![]() ![]() its really good...cheers.. waiting for the next one... |
![]() ![]() ![]() ahh, I'm so glad you finally posted! I actually like it in third person. I think Dean is pretty interesting... never as interesting as Chris though, but I didn't really like Chris in the beginning of this chapter... he was acting funny. But he was back to normal in the end though. |
![]() ![]() ![]() *Gushes* Well, I do my best. You know what? That part where that single was pounding through the speakers was very cool. I just hope we get to hear more about this Brooke Baker... *Winks suggestively* ly x |
![]() ![]() ![]() Woohoo! Fictionpress love |
![]() ![]() ![]() As much as i love this chapter i'm still waiting for the unbelievably, indescribably awesome arrival of BROOKE BAKER! WOOHO! XD |
![]() ![]() hey, when are you updating it?...please make it quick...i m dying to read more of it... |
![]() ![]() This has a lot of punctuation errors. You may want to revise and edit it. It also seems that you were heavily inspires by the Twilight series. You should work on your writing more. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Definitely reminds me of Twilight. I like the night school. I have a night school in my story too. FYI, it's principal not principle |
![]() ![]() UPDATE! I need to know what happens next! please |
![]() ![]() ![]() i like Howl...he seems more accessible...i but i feel strangely attracted to is so... different and definitely hot... keep writing. good luck... |
![]() ![]() it is awesome... i loved it ...seriously... hey cud u contact me thru email...i m at yahoo answers...my name is ishani... i have added u as my contact...u cud mail me thru it... great story,...i m reading it...i just finished the first chapter...loved it seriously...i hope it gets published. good luck cheers |
![]() ![]() Interesting story plot, I'm interested to see where it goes. ] |
![]() ![]() ![]() loved it! |