|Reviews for Obsession|
| lymli chapter 1 . 12/24/2008
this really makes sense about obsession, love is like that, great poem.
merry christmas and happy new year.
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 12/6/2008
No worries about the rambling reply. Half of my stories are just rambling anyways. I don't think I can properly object.
Also, any review, even if it's just "hay gaiz i can tipe gud!", is appreciated.
1) "At first you were a simple crush, you’ve turn into obsession," okay. There's a problem with these lines. They tell the reader the entire contents of the poem. This means that practically everything you say after them is repetition. I would recommend clipping them out and starting with "I need to write these simple words,". That way the poem builds up evidence as it goes, finally bringing the reader to the conclusion that you've become obsessed.
However, telling your reader what you're going to be writing about right at the start of your work isn't necessarily a bad thing. Suppose you start a book with "This is a story about a dragon." You've basically told the reader a big part of the plot, but you've left them wondering about all the particulars. Is it a friendly dragon? What does it eat? Cabbage? Crepes? Can it recite the quadratic formula backwards or is it an untalented dragon?
When you start with a simple statement, don't just repeat it. Expand on it as much as you can. You do a little bit of that here, but consider making the poem more specific. Maybe you're pining after this guy who you haven't seen in a while. Talk about the dull ache in you where his voice used to be. Talk about trying to will the telephone to ring. If the guy's a tease, then tell your reader how.
One of the best parts of poetry is that you don't have to outright tell someone what you're trying to communicate. You can use bits and pieces to represent an idea. For example, you want to say that you're lonely, so you talk about the wind outside the window that's baying like a stray dog. And maybe the reason that you're lonely is because of the guy you're crushed on. Just one line can have several meanings locked in it, like a set of Matryoshka dolls (wiki it if you're curious. They're kinda cool.)
I realize this is all way more difficult to do in rhyming verse (boo, rhyming verse!) but it can be done. When someone does manage to pull off that kind of complexity, it's absolutely lovely.
2) All of that said, I really like the lines "I need to write these simple words, as a coward’s faceless confession." They're beautifully written, and have a lot of different emotions packed in them.
3) "I’d grant your every wish, if you’d only play my game." Those lines are also powerful, and they're probably the best in the poem for conveying your sense of desperation.
4) "the next step is up to you, our destinies now bound." The last few lines don't feel quite right. They see-saw all the way back from uncertainty to absolute surety. I think more of an "I hope you notice me" tone might be in keeping with the rest of the poem, but it's totally your call.
5) I'm sorry I was kinda harsh on this poem, since I do still like it. But I also feel like it's working with some very strong emotions, and it has the potential to be extremely moving.
You don't have to revise it at all. For me, revision is usually more of a struggle than writing. But maybe think on some of the stuff I mentioned?
I really hope I wasn't too critical. I think I was in crazy-flipped-out-scholar-mode when I read this one.
| Time To Change chapter 1 . 11/6/2008
I like this. I know how this feels.
I often find that rhymes make things slightly more amusing
but it worked here.