zagato chapter 1 . 11/28/2018
this is lovely, thank you!
Miisu chapter 1 . 10/8/2011
I really enjoyed this Chapter! Please, write more!
Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 11/25/2008
Sixteen chapters and no reviews. Weird. I'm gonna give this a shot. Even if I did wince a little when you listed Dungeons and Dragons as an inspiration (classic DnD is fantasy at its most stereotypical. This doesn't mean that *all* DnD is hopeless or that DnD-inspired writing is bad, but it did make me hesitant,) I think your inclusion of Filipino myth is fresh and original.

This should be an interesting read.

1)"A story by a Filipino,

Inspired by Filipinos,

And for Filipinos…" I guess that leaves me out of the equation.

2)"A hawk soared over the night skies of the Valley of Leanro, surveying the carnage below with famished yellow eyes." Definitely an epic fantasy sort of introduction. It doesn't hook the reader very hard, but most readers of epic fantasy aren't going to be sold on just the first line anyways.

3) Interesting relationship between Narda and Baltasar. Definitely worth developing.

4)"The entire kingdom was taken in one great sweep of armor and blades. " Nice line. Simple but powerful.

5)"Those who could miraculously managed to escape to Tarpan or the neighboring islands." comma after 'could'. It's nitpicky, I know.

6) This reads very smoothly. I'm having a hard time stopping to pick out details to critique because of it.

7)"All fifteen fought bravely but lost; five of them lay dead." When one of your characters does something this rockin' awesome, it might not hurt to spend a little time on it. Give a few rapid-fire sentences about how Baltasar dispatches the knights, and you can impress the reader while still keeping the pace of the story reasonably quick.

8) Baltasar feels a little generic as a villain at this point in the story. It seems that his motivation is that he's evil, and everything he does follows from that. However, it isn't that people are good or evil and act accordingly. The things people do are what make them good or evil. I'm sure you'll develop this in later chapters, but I'd like to see Baltasar have a reason for why he acts the way he does. It could be that he's gotten to like killing, or that he's had his heart broken, or he's possessed by a demon. Whatever. He needs a better defined motivation to be believable.

9) This is a pretty solid story. There's the occasional spelling error or awkward passage, but overall it reads fluidly and the action is easy to picture. I wouldn't mind seeing where the plot leads.

Keep writing.