|Reviews for LW|
| PandaAries chapter 14 . 10/31/2010
Great ending and great story.
| PandaAries chapter 13 . 10/31/2010
I can really picture the action going on, nice chapter.
| PandaAries chapter 5 . 10/29/2010
Great chapter and writing skils. I can really see the action in this chapter.
| Imaginary Rose chapter 2 . 11/9/2008
I'll be reviewing while I read since this chapter is longer:
[Two years back...] This next couple of paragraphs sound a lot like infodump. When you have background information such as this try to work it into the storyline. Have the scientist explain, have the boys read about the experiment somewhere, etc.
[But now they believed...] What made them believe the gem was ready to be tested on humans? Did they change something or just hope humans would react differently?
[They were willing to find out...] Shouldn't they have tested in a lab before the showed the experiment to the entire world? That seems kind of careless of them.
[With an angry stare...] Why did he pick them out of the crowd? In particular reason or just happenstance?
[Adam's asthma...] Unless he has really bad ashthma he wouldn't have fallen to the ground so quickly. He probably would started coughing first. He should also have brought his rescue inhaler with him, most asthmatics carry one around. You should at least address the reason why he wouldn't have an inhaler with him.
[...smooth axe kick right...] Not that many peopl (that I know at least) are able to deliver a smooth axe kick without some kind of training.
[But in a matter...] Did the door fall down or did the beast?
[Adam began...] The gas got in? You never said it did. That's kind of confusing. Did it get in when the door fell down? How come the beast didn't get them then?
[It was now a part...] You don't have to tell us this; just by showing he could freeze the air around him we could draw our own conclusions.
["I'm just way too cool!"] Shouldn't he be worried that freezing Adam could hurt him.
[...underwear costumed...] Didn't he say 'superheroes' too? Why is he beingso meean.
["My religion, duh."] What religion? Did you say something about it earlier?
["It doesn't matter I still fight...] Why would he bring up his religion if he's just going to disregard it anyway?
[‘But wait, this..] What's perfect? Why did they run? Did they honestly expect to just walk out without being questioned by the police? Since their running again, shouldn't Adam's asthma act up again?
[..stairs were never added.] So the science fair thing was held in an unfinished building? Before they got to the unfinished part there were no signs or anything?
[...those cops...will probably kill us] What led them to that conclusion? Why do they think the cops will kill them? It doesn't make sense. The police are just doing there job.
[He focused all of his energy...] He already knows how to control his powers? What happened to learning how to control the abilities? They've barely had their abilities and he's already making ice bridges.
[...began firing at it.] They all fired the same gun? And they didn't give the boys any warning i.e 'stop or we'll shoot?'
[...shot in the head.] Why are they shooting to kill?
[Sitting up, R.J smiled ...] It doessn't appear to phase them that they were being shot at by the police and were almost killed. They just can't wait to share their new powers.
A pretty good start. Just a few inconsistancy and a couple of questions you should consider. Keep it up!
| Imaginary Rose chapter 1 . 11/8/2008
I thought this was a good start. I suggest you do more showing & less telling. Next chapter be sure to add hook that'll make the reader want to read more. Your characters sound interesting and I can't wait to read more. One thing though, wouldn't the adopted brother have the same last name? Try to leave the reader guessing a little.