|Reviews for Closed Curtains|
| H. Earthserpent chapter 1 . 1/6/2012
update update update. :)
| Kaytee chapter 4 . 6/15/2010
YES YOU ARE BACK! REJOICE
Love your writing style, always has. It's been a while and I'm excited to see what changes you bring to your style. Finally a good F/F writer back on the market!
Loving the introductions and all the different characters. If only in an ideal world all girls like to fuck girls...
Update soon please!
| pinkpolkadots59 chapter 4 . 6/12/2010
I hope you will continue this! Just read the old story and then this one and I'd love to read more.
| Jamith chapter 4 . 6/2/2010
I like that there is more of the others in this version, and I can't wait to see how things go from here. Keep it up.
| Reader chapter 3 . 9/1/2009
Hm, this chapter is probably the one I like out of the three so far. Audrey seems like an interesting character here... I hope you write more. I'm looking forward to Audrey and Lei's interaction and wondering if it'll follow the OTABH path.
| for shame chapter 2 . 6/23/2009
this is, out of the three you have up, my favorite chapter.
i really like the way diane is portrayed and the way this chapter is written - it has a very harsh reality to it, a very neutral tone that doesn't hide anything or try to make diane sound like a tragically fractured soul.
i feel like you should use a divider of some sort between character background/introductions and things that actually happen - not all the time, but i feel like you need some way to organize what's happening.
i would put a line break between "A lot can happen in a year" and "'Good morning, Mrs..." just because you're switching from background to actual dialogue and actions, and without a line break it seems a bit messy.
like in the previous chapter, you're very wordy. you want to be careful with adding too many words, because when overdone they end up detracting from the point you're trying to make.
the dialogue is very realistic and shows character - i like the nouns/verbs you use, especially sven's. the fact that she grumbles shows a lot about how she's feeling, and the fragmented sentence - "Hangover." (Julia) - only serves to emphasize sven's state of mind.
when you have the parallel structure near the end about julia, it's very effective up until the last sentence: "Julia, whose fingers were now tangled in Sven’s chin-length hair to smoothen them out, and then scratch at the scalp."
the fact that the last sentence is so very much longer than the previous ones detracts from what you're saying and, to be honest, i was slightly confused. usually, after three (or more) sentences that are structured the same way, you end with a fragment for emphasis.
if you want to shorten it, i suggest cutting out the part about scratching sven's scalp - while it shows how close the two girls are, it also lengthens the sentence and makes for awkward reading.
i love the uncertainty in the last two sentences - it all holds together very well. the use of "kind of" and "maybe" is very well played. i expect diane is going to have a lot of confusing thoughts and i expect she's going to be a very interesting character. i'm looking forward to how you'll write her future chapters - if you continue this chapter-per-character thing, that is.
i also love how the ending ties into the beginning. it gives the whole thing a very neat, and profound, feeling. like that's what you were trying to show all along, and everything leading up to the last two sentences was just filler.
to me, the last two sentences seemed like the whole point of the chapter. the purpose of the chapter was to illustrate diane, but to me, diane is just confusion - she is simply confused. if that's not what you meant to show her as, then maybe you should end the chapter with a different sentence. because when you end with sven, it makes sven the main point.
(also, i jumped to conclusions and assumed that the main reason diane dislikes julia is because julia is so very close to sven, and diane is jealous. if that's not the main reason, then i hope you elaborate more on it before long. the longer you let readers assume diane is jealous of julia the more concrete it will be in our minds.)
personally, i like sven as the main point. not only does she sound interesting and unique, but you also show diane's jealousy very realistically - i think most people can relate to it.
i really love what's happening so far.
and by the way, if you're still looking for a beta - or just someone to give you a few suggestions here and there - i would love to help.
| for shame chapter 1 . 6/23/2009
this is a very interesting beginning - it shows great promise.
i read your previous series when i was younger, but you've matured as a writer and so have i as a reader. i can safely say that this shows a lot more promise than otabh.
there's some awkward sentences, but they're not pronounced enough to seriously disrupt the flow. you also have some extremely wordy sentences, and you add unnecessary words that slightly wreck the flow.
for example: '“I want you to come with me,” he said, his voice soft but raspy and rough, which was also how the stubble on his chin looked like to Leila.'
in there, the last part - 'to leila' - is really unneeded. i think you could take it out, and it would flow just fine: '...his voice soft but raspy and rough, which was also how the stubble on his chin looked.'
i especially like: "Apparently, Leila was not his only child, but she was his only mistake."
it's very blunt and honest, like many of the sentences in this chapter. i like how, from chapter to chapter, you change your writing style a little bit to reflect the character's personality - it's very fitting for this story. very unique.
i also really, really love the second paragraph. the list about how mothers show their love... it's incredible. very small things that mothers will do or say that show their love.
you'll find - you probably already know - that listing the small things can have a big impact.
what you don't add into the story, the readers won't find important. so if you don't go into great detail about why leila is such a (for lack of a better word) "underachiever", then the readers won't think much about it either.
but if you're planning on delving into her past problems with drugs in the future - for example, if you want to make it an obstacle in a relationship - then you should touch upon it at least a couple times in the beginning chapters.
this chapter succeeded in drawing me in; it made me want to learn more. of course, the classic "all girls' school" ploy is a bit cliche in femmeslash stories (it makes for an easy set-up), but i trust that you'll stray from the beaten path and make it unique in your own way.
| for shame chapter 3 . 6/23/2009
this is a lot more mature than your old story. i like it - it's more complex and it sounds a lot more like a novel.
your vocabulary and diction is amazing, much more mature than what most online writers use - and what you used to use. the story has a very formal feeling like it was written by a textbook professor, but it also gives excellent insight into the characters' personalities and emotions.
your dialogue is very realistic and fresh. i like how you use characters' words to portray their personalities. for instance, audrey - "you say?" is something very rarely said, but it makes audrey seem very well-mannered and a bit old-fashioned. you just have to be sure that that's how you want her to come off as; dialogue is extremely important in character building, so you want to be careful with that.
i'm going to go through this all and try to give you some constructive criticism soon, but all in all, closed curtains is an excellent testament to how much you've grown as a writer.
| vanilla.barcode chapter 3 . 12/31/2008
Wow, this is great. Totally different from OTABH but it is brilliant. I like how the characters were introduced, very in-depth and very well described.
I'm gonna put your story in my story alerts.
Hope you update soon, and keep up the good work.
| Jamith chapter 3 . 12/29/2008
I like this story. I hope that you continue with it. I get the whole writers block. I'm suffering from it right now actually and it kind of blows...
| closexyourxeyes chapter 3 . 12/25/2008
You've got me interested- update soon, please! :)
| likes to headbang chapter 3 . 12/25/2008
the characterization is amazing, nd i like ur voice
gna keep up with this one
| Water Queen 23 chapter 2 . 11/18/2008
I love this story and would be happy to beta it. I already beta for someone on so I have experience and I also beta for my friend, also on . If you want to test me out just p.m. me whenever.
| StickyNote chapter 1 . 11/17/2008
looking forward to the rewrite and how you'll go with it.. looks good so far!
| Jamith chapter 2 . 11/16/2008
I like this new version ..thing so far. There's more on Diane, which I like...
Anyway, keep up the good work.