Reviews for Kindle
Kyllorac chapter 1 . 1/31/2009
softly clashed - Clash means to hit with force and sound. Both meanings are contradictory to softly. Pattered would be a better alternative than clash, in this case.

So rainy day bad mood for Kindle? Why? You may want to elaborate on this, if not now, then further along into the story.

He unknowingly rolled the pencil across the desk his fingers seemingly magnetic as he never laid a hand on it. - This sentence is simply awkward, partially because you are lacking a comma after desk, partially because it is so much longer than it needs to be. "Unaware he was doing so, Kindle rolled a pencil across the desk without touching it. The pencil followed his fingers like metal to a magnet, clattering quietly across the desk top." is one alternative. Not only is it more descriptive, it is also easier to read and understand.

A sudden slap of the desk - Is someone slapping the desk or, as the second half of the sentence seems to indicate, was the sound caused by the pencil? If the sound was caused by the pencil, "A sudden snap quickly woke him, and he stared down at the pencil, now split in two."

In the bathroom, when did Cedric get there? There should be at least some mention of Cedric's entry, even if Kindle himself does not notice. This story appears to be written in the omniscient point of view: utilize it fully so that the readers are not left hanging or confused.

Why was Cedric so violent? And then why did Cedric just let her go? And why didn't either Cedric or Kindle do something to ensure that the girl would keep quiet? This is a very big plothole you have here, and it needs to be addressed.

Notes Overall - You are overly fond of adverbs. While adverbs are wonderful things, they should always be used in moderation, especially if you can substitute a more vivid verb for an adverb-verb combo. For example, "threw his bag violently" could become "hurled his bag". You still get the idea that he is throwing his bag violently at the wall, but it is more concise.

Your comma usage is deplorable. Commas are an important aspect of punctuation; their omission leads to confusion and difficulty reading. Remedy this.

Do not, under any circumstance, bold all your dialogue. Quotation marks exist for a reason. Bold should only be used for emphasis, and, even then, italics are preferred if the emphasis occurs within a body of writing. Titles, headings, and bullet points may be bolded, but only because they exist separate the main body of writing.

You also rely too much on telling rather than showing. Sometimes, for clarity's sake, it is best to tell, but telling everything is an easy way to put off potential readers. The example I gave you of the pencil illustrates how telling and showing can be used to make the writing more interesting to read while still remaining easy to understand.

There does not seem to be much of a plot at this point, but this is fine. This first chapter does not do much to introduce Kindle or Cedric, though, mainly due to all the telling and lack of showing.

In addition, the pacing felt rushed and sloppy, also due to the lack of showing. You do not inform us of what is happening between points (Cedric just appearing in the bathroom, for instance) which makes the action just fly over the reader's head. Paying a bit more attention to the causes and effects of actions should remedy this.

Conclusion - While this isn't the best example of writing I've seen, it isn't the worst. Pay more attention to what you are writing, cut down on your reliance on adverbs, show more rather than only tell, and learn how to use commas properly, and this story may actually become more than decent.
ICBM-FA chapter 1 . 1/30/2009
PL3a23 upDaT3 500n 1 l0V3 Th12, 0h And 8Y t3H WAY, W0UlD J00 m1ND UN8L0ck1n' MY 0tH3r ACc0uNt?
Nicki BluIs chapter 1 . 1/30/2009
I see you've updated your profile to thank everyone for their awesome reviews. You're welcome! Although I must say it is a pretty punk-ass move to block so many people... it almost make me think you're gratitude isn't genuine...

Nicki
Chasing Skylines chapter 13 . 1/30/2009
"If you do not unblock those that have reviewed your story today in an hour, no one will read your story from now on. Note, my friend tried this and in the end, the story never got read anymore. Scary stuff, but it's so true."
Chasing Skylines chapter 3 . 1/30/2009
"In the end, that type of thing is porn, not a story. Same goes for all other abuses of power. Yes, the higher rating is a power granted to the writer to have more freedom to do more stuff at the expensive of possibly less readers. Not for a chance to fire a machine gun around your room because you’re too lazy to clean up. I mean that’s unless people want to turn FP into Fucking Porn then keep it up."
Nicki BluIs chapter 3 . 1/30/2009
[Wow whatever happened to a simple good job I like your story? Sheesh. I'll favorite your story I don't have any standards as to what is good and what isn't. You like to write I can tell and that makes you o.k. by me :-) Oh and btw...good job I like your story :-P]

Are these the kinds of reviews you are looking for? Reviews that say "omg leik that was aweshum! Can't wait to review update soon1!1!1" Because that will not improve your writing. It may swell your ego but that's about all. So "WhisperingYourName" isn't doing you any favors by saying "Good job, I like your story." In fact if I were you I'd take offense to being favorite'd by someone who "has no standards." If you really do love as Whispering seems to think you do then you will seek to improve rather then wallow in self-indulging mediocrity.

So. Here's my concrit for your story.

I read three chaps and still no next to nothing about your characters. This is bad. Characters are the crux of your story. No matter how great the plot is, if the characters are boring and flat then the stores are boring and flat. Cedric, Kindle, what's her face, and old dude mean nothing to me right now. I don't know them, I can't relate to them, and thus I don't care about them.

The weakness of your characters leads directly to the weakness of your plot. I simply do not believe the "Kindle will bring about the end of the world" story. The exposition was poor. You are telling a fantasy story without building a world in which your surreal plotlines would be plausible. Instead you litter your narration with clichés. Only two immortal in the whole world? Boring. You could at least have explained the lore around this but you just dropped it there for the reader to figure out. Identified by the hazel in the eyes? Mary-Sue. I'm sure you can think of a more creative way to identify these immortals. Or maybe I'm giving you too much credit. Maybe you honestly can't. He will destroy life as we know it? Yawn. Been there; done that; didn't even bother buying the T-shirt. So far you have given the reader no reason to believe that these prophesies are important, trustworthy, or accurate. Again this is because of a serious lack in world-building. When writing fantasy, you have to remember that the reader automatically is going to suspend their beliefs. They have no frame of reference other than what you provide. If you don't provide a logical schema then the reader has no way to rationalize your story so your plot becomes crap.

Oh and of course there is the oft mentioned issue of bold dialogue and adverb overkill. I won't go into other than to say it's annoying as hell.

It's a damn shame that you're too self righteous to take any or the concrit I, or any of the others, have left into consideration. Maybe if you paid more attention to actual criticism rather than begging your BFFs to review you, you would be a better writer.

Have a nice day,

Nicki
Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 1/30/2009
The summary's cliche, but I'll give it a try. I took a look at your profile; okay, I won't. If I don't like it at all, why keep tabs on it? That'd just be a waste of my time if the writer doesn't improve.

[but please don't make me feel like my story isn't up to your standards.]

Stop acting like reviewers are the antagonists. Is this self-pity or something? Take it to the poetry section.

["touch this up" ]

So you'd rather they give something short and stupid instead of extensively help you? How may I ask would you touch this up? You could do that yourself and take down your stories if you don't appreciate outside help, which is kind of the idea of FP.

Now that I have officially antagonized myself to your wishes (they're not? Sorry, my bad, reverse psychology).

As a note: I like how you either created another account or had one of your buddies make an account on January 30 and immediately make a review. Not suspicious at all; including the fact the account has you on favorites. I also find it amusing the "reviewer" discouraged another review for giving a long review; who knew, apparently it's quantity over quality... sadly, your reviews have neither.

Also... how and why did you review yourself? There's something called review replying and PMs.

[Kindle stared at the rain drops as they softly clashed against the window.]

Softly? Clashed? Ah, just like swords softly clash against armor. I can just envision the imagery of rain being an oxymoron. I like how you chose redundant and inplausible irony as a hook.

[It was days like this that brought out the worst in him.]

Mm, hm. Did your teacher ever tell you to show, not tell?

[He unknowingly rolled the pencil across the desk his fingers seemingly magnetic as he never laid a hand on it.]

Adverbs are like junk food for writers; instead of exercise (like strong verbs), obese writers decide to gorge on these sugary, carb-filled Twinkies.

There also needs to be a comma after desk. And "seemingly magnetic as he never laid a hand on it" strikes as awkward. Fail imagery is fail; or at least, the idea was nice and I get what you're saying, but if I have to stop and think, then no, please. Did you discover Lord of the Rings and decide to apply Tolkein's prose to modern day metaphors? Christopher Crapolini didn't pull it off, I doubt you could.

[Thoughts raced quickly]

You know what the good thing about the verb 'raced' is? It implies quickly.

[A sudden slap of the desk quickly]

Using the word again? And an adverb at that; adverbs can be fine in moderation (though really, there's more than a middling amount in this chapter...), but at least switch them up and use non-bland words. Also, "a sudden slap of the desk" implies they used a desk to slap something, or that's how I see it; it is possibly still grammatically correct. I think "a sudden slap [on] the desk" would work smoother.

[to his best friend Cedric who had an uneasy look on his face. ]

Show, not tell; how is the look uneasy?

FP's format is disparaging enough, but bolded dialogue? People reading this are not dogs; we do not see in black and white, so your bolded text is not helping.

[“You know you’re not allowed to do any kind of magic in front of the ‘Norms’.”]

Norms. How original. Was Muggles already taken?

[Kindle nodded knowingly]

Again, stop modifying every verb with an adverb. If your dialogue is working its tricks, the 'knowingly' should be implied.

If you wish to counter my adverb argument, don't:

Your excuse will likely be: "But an author did it." Most common excuse. They apparently did it right; J.K Rowling uses adverb and no one gives a crap because they could sell faster than free gas. Same applies to Stephenie Meyer; people hate her poor writing style that insults human intelligence and dumbs us down to apes, but can they argue her stories aren't selling?

There are more: if you argue it was necessary, also wrong. Adverbs are simply bad writing. They water down writing; if you're describing a fire scene, an adverb or more will just douse it.

[Kindle nodded knowingly at the teacher shoving the broken pencil into his backpack and retrieving a new one.]

Comma after teacher. And so far... why is your story about a pencil?

[It seemed that this day would never end and Kindle was getting anxious.]

Really? Stop telling me this; show. What are these anxious feelings? Why? Is this a cheesy attempt at suspense? It's not working? Does Kindle expect sympathy? Sorry, that comes with tax.

[He threw his hand up much to Ced’s dismay. ]

Comma after much. And why is it to his dismay? Facial expressions could work here; the reader needs to interpret stuff. Would you rather read a OCD-diagnosed person's list, or a story? So, by using facial expressions or any type, the reader could have that fluorescent (it's environmentally healthy, which is only a plus... you don't want to further global warming, do you? Yeah, you wouldn't be able to complain about constructive criticism on your profile.) light bulb go off.

[The teacher sighed and signaled]

Such is the power of verbs.

[quickly and quietly.]

Thanks for ruining it. Find new words, please.

[Kindle grabbed his bag and scuffled out of the classroom making his way to the nearest restroom.]

This! It has no glaring flaws. ... Too bad it's about a trip to the bathroom - Oops, I meant he's practicing his ma-gic and stabbing them voodoo dolls.

[a small creak erupting from it’s hinges.]

Its. Without the apostrophe. Its is a possessive form, while "it's" equals "it is."

[He slowly opened the door, a small creak erupting from it’s hinges.]

If you want to get rid of the adverb; "He creaked the door open." There, simple, easy, and has no chance of confusing the reader. Well, there's you reading this review, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt.

[The only voice he heard was his own echoing back at him. ]

Needlessly long. "His voice echoed back at him" Short and sweet.

[He threw his bag violently against the wall]

Adverb use. Instead of modifying throw/threw with violently, look at your options: {hurl, toss, fling, pitch, cast, lob, launch, catapult, , propel; bowl; chuck, heave, sling, peg, let fly with.}

Lob would work. Or chuck. Flung. Tossed. Whoa, really, a thesaurus exists when the author is feeling dumb-dumb?

[as he felt it enter into his nose and mouth.]

Enter into? Enter means "come or go into." So you just said "enter go into his nose and mouth." Aw, does the wittle baby talk in l33t too?

[Kindle who was coughing uncontrollably. ]

Wheezing would work in place of 'coughing uncontrollably."

[“Well that little pencil trick you were doing earlier proved otherwise.”]

Oh wow. Kindle is the sole alter ego of Voldemort or whoever you're basing this off on. Your imagination? Awesome, it's as lame as breaking pencils?

[“IT JUST HAPPENED O.K.?” ]

WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP BOLDING YOUR WORDS? IT HURTS THE EYES! ARE YOU RUNNING ONE OF THOSE CRANK COMPUTERS? AN APE WROTE THIS STORY? NO WONDER! I should alert Darwin. Apes had non-glare screens.

[Cedric jumped at the sudden raise in Kindle’s voice.]

Should be 'rise', not 'raise', as raise is a verb.

[Cedric sighed and walked over standing next to him as they both gazed into the mirror before them.]

Comma is needed after 'over'.

[bloody fit and…]

You better be British. J.K Rowling will hunt you down for plagiarizing the word bloody from her stories.

[“Let’s just try to control ourselves hmm? No more magically rolling pencils eh?”]

Comma before 'hmm' and 'eh'.

[Kindle smiled gently]

Really? How do you smile gently? Just smiled will do; the dialogue should imply 'gently.'

[threw open the door not knowing someone had been listening in on their conversation.]

First off; read a dictionary, you say the same words over and over again. Also, comma is needed after 'door.'

[collar lifting her off of the ground.]

Comma after collar is needed.

[“Cedric what are you doing!” ]

Comma after Cedric.

[back staring]

Comma after back.

[feet his eyes meeting hers. ]

Comma after feet.

[almost seemed to change immediately]

Almost, seemed, and immediately doused your narrative here.

Two paragraphs left.

Another internet suicide has happened.

Alert the authorities.

End review.
Fractured Illusion chapter 2 . 1/30/2009
You need to realize that giving concrit to a pretentious writer is not lowering your own level. I am not lowering my level by giving you suggestions on how to improve.

Please get over yourself today. Or leave.

"Cedric began shaking him violently."

Ok the school bell just rang and he is shaking him violently. Do you realize how over dramatic this comes off as? Not to mention unrealistic.

Just make him shove him a bit or whatever. Something NORMAL?

Oh my god. Shoot me.

So this random little dudette just knows everything about who he is, blabla.

You are moving too fast.

And your plot isn't solid. Wow. Birthmark. Cliché. Yay!

And your girl has little personality. She's the stereotypical aggressive person. But what is so wrong with stereotypes is that they are grossly exaggerated. Real people don't act like that. This is too sudden. You need to slow down and make your characters more human.

And learn to take concrit.

-Frac
Miss Bob chapter 1 . 1/30/2009
‘P.S. Folks if you're going to leave me a review please don't start if off by implying that my story isn't good enough to "keep tabs" on. I know my writing isn't perfect, but please don't make me feel like my story isn't up to your standards. That's just rude and uncalled for. A simple "touch this up" would have been just fine if it hadn't been for that tiny little sentence. BTW I didn't favorite you.’

Okay, for starters, and working from this comment in your profile, I have to ask, do you even know what a review is?

Why on earth would you join a site where writers share stories and ADVICE and then ask for only the good stuff? That’s like shouting up into the clouds, “You know what God? I don’t want sadness in my life, I don’t want to improve what I have! I just want sugar coating day after day! That okay with you?”

Guess what mister, the clouds have an answer for you.

I am only going to review this first chapter, because, after seeing how you treat GOOD REVIEWS, I don’t particularly feel inclined to read the rest of it. Twenty two more chapters or no.

So... What’s with the bold speech? You think people can’t see the little dashes called ‘speech marks’? (and those are called inverted commas by the way, you might want to make a note)

‘He unknowingly rolled the pencil across the desk [insert comma here] his fingers seemingly magnetic as he never laid a hand on it.’ ‘He turned his attention to his best friend Cedric [comma] who had an uneasy look on his face.’

Introduce some punctuation, and you will find that your sentences flow much better.

‘Kindle nodded knowingly at the teacher shoving the broken pencil into his backpack and retrieving a new one.’ I’m sorry, but who is shoving the pencil away? Punctuation saves lives!

Also, try ‘new line, new speech’ because I am having a hard time understanding who is talking here...

Oh... by the way, WhisperingYouName, eh?

Yu joined today... and somehow found this ONE story ‘Kindle’, to favourite it and the author, and rise to its defence from a good review?

Mm-hmm. Sure, and here’s a sparkly vampire. Enjoy living in a dream world.
Mayo on toast chapter 1 . 1/30/2009
Lets start with grammar.

"He unknowingly rolled the pencil across the desk his fingers seemingly magnetic as he never laid a hand on it." Needs a comma after desk.

" Kindle nodded knowingly at the teacher shoving the broken pencil into his backpack and retrieving a new one." Needs a comma after teacher.

"He threw his hand up much to Ced’s dismay." Needs a comma after up.

"Kindle grabbed his bag and scuffled out of the classroom making his way to the ..." Needs a comma after classroom.

"He slowly opened the door, a small creak erupting from it’s hinges" So you DO know what commas are used for... it's should be its. You have it is hinges at the moment.

"He threw his bag violently against the wall turning on the faucet and letting the water run cold." Guess what? You missed another comma after wall.

"He splashed the ice cold water onto his face gasping for air as he felt it enter into his nose and mouth." Comma after face, the 'into' is unneeded and it works better without it.

Do you start to see where you're missing commas? I'll let you figure it out; I'm sure you're not as incompetent as you seem.

"“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you alright?" He's apologising for not meaning to upset him? Put a period after sorry.

The comma problem needs to be addressed, and soon.

I was confused by how Cedric just appeared in the bathroom; as far as the reader is aware, Kindle went alone, and Cedric didn't enter afterward, he was just there. Fix that.

What is with the bold dialogue? It is unnecessary and distracting, and subtracts from the story.

In your summary, you give the impression that Kindle is a woman, so I was a little confused by that. You may address that later in the story, but the first chapter is the one that counts, and if people don't like your first chapter, they won't even try your second.

You also mentioned prophecy, one of fantasy's greatest cliches. That turns many people off a story, and whilst it can be done well, it has been overdone.

I found it unrealistic how they let a girl who knows their secret, and who apparently isn't into keeping secrets herself, walk away with no incentive not to tell anyone, or at least start rumors.

At the end, how exactly do they return to class twice? That bit confused me a bit.

The girl's personality seemed a bit off; she was caught eavesdropping on two people who said that they use magic, one of them lifts her by the collar, and then she doesn't whimper and run away, but rather tries to aggravate them. I hope that this personality fault is noted later in the story.

Looking at your reviews, and your profile, I doubt you will appreciate this review. WhisperingYourName, created today, favourites you and your story and nothing else, and comes to your rescue from a good, ConCrit filled review. The only thing I'm wondering is if it was you yourself or a friend you asked to do it for you.

Onto your profile. Karma-Dollie brought up many good points, but all you see is the bit that said 'You have potential' and took that into the context that said 'It wasn't good enough for me.' Just because some people choose to only favourite stories that deserve it, you thought she was saying that she is above you. Grow up.

Mentioning Karma-Dollie, I second her point about adverbs. You use too many. Show, don't tell is a good rule for writing.

As I end this review, I have to wonder, will WhisperingYourName, or another newly made account, review afterwards too, or will you just realise how obvious it was and review it yourself?
concerto49 chapter 4 . 1/30/2009
If you have a lot of reviews, it means your story is getting old. You might need to give it a regular body check every now and again just in case.

If you have quite a few hits, a few chapters, but very little reviews – that’s all ok – at least you still have something to aim for. When there is a goal, there is a hope, so goes the saying. Too many reviews might just murder your inspiration further. Coughs.
concerto49 chapter 3 . 1/30/2009
If you have constructive criticism on your piece, that’s a no-no. It means someone has said something bad about your story. When you’re reading through reviews and you see one that says, I didn’t read like this bit or could be improved here you think, “not good enough”.
Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 1/30/2009
Hello. This is the Karma Police, giving you back what you deserve. We are making a raid.

FYI. Next time someone gives you a nice review, do not criticize those that take the time and effort to help you improve with nice constructive criticism. They did you a favor by reviewing.

Since you treat your reviewers like crap, I am here to give you a wake-up call. I don't care how young you are, how long your experience is, or if your teachers think you are gifted. You lack manners, so now you're gonna see how it is to be treated the same way.

Now for the review:

There is a general rule in writing:

Don't do useless, idiotic things that don't improve the reading experience.

You should follow that rule.

Now: Bold dialog? No. What do you think your readers are?

Blind?

Too stupid to understand dialog tags?

It looks silly, it is silly, and totally useless. Do not bold. I fail to see the function.

And also, when dialog comes, so does a new paragraph.

You can't break the rules of writing before you master them. Remember that one.

I noticed this lovely bit on your profile:

"P.S. Folks if you're going to leave me a review please don't start if off by implying that my story isn't good enough to "keep tabs" on. I know my writing isn't perfect, but please don't make me feel like my story isn't up to your standards. That's just rude and uncalled for. A simple "touch this up" would have been just fine if it hadn't been for that tiny little sentence. BTW I didn't favorite you."

You are on a writing site. We call the above CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. It is meant to help you IMPROVE so that your writing will evolve and not stay equivalent to that of a 12 year old child. Your presumption that you don't need it is what is rude and uncalled for.

Get over yourself. And guess what? It is just not "a tiny little sentence" that is wrong. The whole chapter and premise is wrong.

Deal with it, or write better.

Rude and uncalled for is also your dealing with concrit. So I will shower you with it, so you learn how to take it gracefully. You can't post on this site and expect people to not be allowed to say their opinion if they are not in your taste.

It's better if you leave this site, then.

With your attitude, you don't DESERVE any sort of kindness. So I will not give it to you.

Ok, do you know how many adverbs (ly-words) you have? TOO MANY.

Hear me out:

Do you know what telling is?

Telling is when you read boring fact-books and you are falling asleep. Telling can be "This happened. Then this. And then Kindle did that. Cedric did this". Also: too many adverbs makes it telling.

Showing is what makes literature. You see, it inspires your imagination. It's what makes readers care - because the writing feels real, not just dictated.

Guess which one is yours?

Yeah.

Lots and lots of telling. This and this happened. Blabla. Who cares? Show us something!

"It’s just that I was sent to protect you and if any of those god damn ‘Norms’ would have seen that they would have thrown a bloody fit and…"

Do you know what this is? Also telling. You are showering us with a backstory. This is not believable dialog. This is just you slipping info through a "smooth" way.

It is not smooth. Better would be if it came under less forced circumstances. Like a later chapter?

You rely on it too much on telling. Like crutches. Well, guess what? You CAN walk. Use your metaphorical legs and try to improve for goodness sake.

Btw, how was this chapter supposed to draw the reader in? Wow. A pencil got broken. Did that sound like a good way to attract attention in your head? :/

Your characters aren't distinct enough so far. They feel flat and cliched.

Okay so did I get this plot right?

We have a typical "special", magical boy, sent elsewhere because he is so special, protected by someone else (but special boy is surely stronger than his protector Cedric anyways), and now a future potential romantic interest has introduced herself.

Oh and there is a prophecy?

Wow I have NEVER heard of a story like this before. Ever.

/Sarcasm.

For being so arrogant, your writing can't back it up.

For a newbie writer however, it can't be expected to bring a better plot. So I will suggest you improve your writing.

Cut down the adverbs.

Do not bold your dialog.

Make a new paragraph when dialog occurs.

Try different sentence structures so every sentence is not "Kindle/Cedric did this etc etc" all the time. It's redundant.

Accept criticism with grace. It gets you places.

If you can't do these things, then maybe FP is not for you.

If you can, then I say kudos to you, and good luck.

Sincerely,

Frac

((You reap what you sow.))
concerto49 chapter 2 . 1/30/2009
Top 5 traits to tell if you’re a spammer

1. You’ve posted anon reviews more than once for a story with similar content in the review.

2. You’ve double posted in forums before.

3. You thought spam was ham and took out a hammer.

4. You gave a signed review for your own story. This is called spamming yourself.

5. You’re masochistic and thought spamming was spanking. You started spanking yourself right away.
Royal Bliss chapter 11 . 1/30/2009
It was not but half past nine when Dumbledore called Harry into his office. When Harry entered there were candles lit, like always. They flickered violently at his presence. But Harry could see no one beyond the flames. As Harry was about to turn to leave he felt a hand on his shoulder. Harry's harry stiffened as he glanced up, knowingly into Dumbledore's eyes. With a flick of his wand, Dumbledore bolted the door shut... and then he spoke to Harry in a soft yet hard voice.

"Be my witch Harry."

And with that he thrust Harry forward and Harry toppled over onto his hands and knees.

"BE MY WITCH HARRY!"

Dumbledore screamed out as he grabbed Harry by the shoulders and ravaged him over and over again.

Then the candles went out.
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