Reviews for Dawn: The Start of Something New
Joanna.55 chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
This is really good! Keep it up I can't wait till the next chapter! :)
nanakathleen chapter 1 . 3/29/2010
I like the prologue and everything, but the first thing you need to do is work on your grammar and spelling. It's key for people to even find it readable, you know? A lot of people may not even read it because of the opening sentences. Work on that, and the structure, and you'll have a story that's physically alluring.
MademoiselleS chapter 1 . 2/25/2009
i like this story so far and am looking forward to the next chapter.
Olivine chapter 1 . 11/19/2008
Okay. I'm going to be frank with you. Not mean, but frank.

The writing isn't very good. First, when you write, you should use proper punctuation and spelling. In the second line, she says, "I'll call you as soon as I land in Seattle, k?" That "kay" should be 'kay. As in "okay" without the "o". Later, I saw an "&" instead of the word "and". You need to type these out.

Second, your writing needs to be more realistic. You're over dramatizing things and it seems like you're worrying too much about getting the point across. Use one exclamation point. You don't need two or three to portray excitment. When you write, the feelings come out in words and actions, not the puncuation so much. So instead of what you had for the second line, it should probably be something like, "Don't cry, Mom, I told you I'd write to you!" Unless, of course, you *want* your characters to look obnoxious. Do you know what I mean? You're overdoing it with the tears, too. The girl isn't going away forever. She's coming back. I'd understand a sad mother, teary eyes at the most, but Jay? He doesn't need to be sobbing. They're sad. We get it. Tone that down a ton.

I also don't think that all that information about how her dad died was necessary, unless it's important to the plot. It seems like you think you should describe everything, but that's really not the case. If something isn't important to character development, characterization, or plots, don't write it down or don't make a big deal out of it. I understand that it's important that her dad died, but you didn't need to write three paragraphs if the three paragraphs aren't important to the rest of the story. Whole parahraphs are also deterring and hard to read. You need juice in fruit. But you don't want so much that the fruit will explode. And just so we have something clear: Unnecessary things in dialogue are different from unnecessary things in narrative. Half the conversations are usually not important to the story, but you do need some filling. You just have to be careful about what type of filling you put in your story. And by the way, the chapter was depressing because you made it depressing. People leaving family and friends can be sad, but doesn't need to be depressing.

I suggest a beta reader for you. They'll help you clean up your story, and the advice they give you will almost always make your writing better. I'd do it myself, but I have no time to do anything, which is why I'm not a beta reader right now. (I used to be one.)

I hope this helped, and I hope you don't hate me. Something else that would help you is reading good books. Not to put you down or anything, but Stephenie Meyer is not a good writer. That's not to say that she doesn't have good ideas, but the quality of her writing is very poor, as is the writing quality of most YA books I see. If you want to read YA, I can suggest some well written ones such as the Gemma Doyle Trilogy by Libba Bray, Trickster's Choice and Trickster's Queen by Tamora Pierce. Harry Potter, of course. Wicked by Debbie Viguie and Nancy Holder. And I know you probably don't want to hear this, but reading classics will also help. Jane Austen, John Steinbeck, etc. Don't knock it until you try it.

Olivine.