Reviews for Outskirts
sonder this chapter 5 . 11/7/2018
Usually I don't review until after I have thoroughly read up to the latest chapter but your story is one of the few exceptions where I must leave something before I forget everything I had wanted to say. I did read it for the most part but my mind had also made me gallop over some places because the content was just /that/ spectacular that I could not stop eating up your words like some greedy vacuum. Your metaphorical imagery is superb, the settings you chose for this post-apocalyptic world would make for great cinematic pieces (a cathedral refashioned into a 'train' station - what!), and the characters! Jeez, I don't know if I should be more relieved by the fact you would pull this death stunt on us this early in the story rather than save it for later (but who knows, maybe you had something planned for later too).

The action scenes moved as if I was literally watching it happen right before me on the screen: (The sea of suckers dividing around the wave of bullets.) And naming a storm Alice - haah, is that a tribute to how we name our hurricanes?

I like how you tried putting your own spin on this version of the undead. How you mentioned that they could actually speak... what a chilling development. And that plot twist at the end there... well, that would certainly explain Joseph's emotionally stunted demeanor (unless he's always been like that?) and sensing abilities. And of course, you would leave things at that. I hope you will one day be able to recapture your muse for this piece of magnificence );
Nocturnal silhouette chapter 5 . 3/25/2010
I absolutely love this story. This genre seems to be rather difficult for most people to write about but you're doing a wonderful job. Imaginative and very well written.
short circuit chapter 5 . 10/14/2009
Evil cliffhanger. EVIL.

The deaths of Bear and Aaron were so sudden and seemed like they were brushed off. Urgh, I just hate deaths of awesome characters. A few typos, but nothing to worry about. Plot is ever so intriguing and just one of the best I've read here.

I'm curious to know whether Joseph dies or not.

Update soon. :D
short circuit chapter 1 . 10/14/2009
Prologue is LOVELY. The description at the beginning is just delicious with all of the meticulous detail that just produces such vivid imagery in a reader's mind.

I love the characters' interactions with one another in their odd group. The character developments would be interesting to see, as would the upcoming action and ordeals they will face.

I guess I love post-apocalyptic sci-fi.
Thoughtful Silence chapter 5 . 3/21/2009
Man, first off, I have to say that this is by far one of the best pieces of fiction I have read here on FP so... kudos ]

It flows well, you have a balanced amalgam of vivid description and realistic dialogue galvanised by characters that, despite the distinctly supernatural setting, feel real and empathetic.

I'll admit that I was surprised by the death of Aaron and Bear, but it was handled well (though how Joseph escaped seems a bit... stretched).

I loved the culmination of this chapter... it filled the gap of Aaron and Bear's absence with plotline and intrigue...

Anyways, that's enough rambling.

Now, here is where I'd usually offer some constructive criticism to give some perspective, but right now I can't think of any... So keep up the good work, and update soon.

~ Silence
Snowgoose chapter 1 . 3/9/2009

I can't even handle it.
HiringParanoia chapter 5 . 3/7/2009
Yay~! Update! And I love it, too. I'm not sure how constructive I can be just now, I've been traveling three days in a row now, and I haven't been able to focus on anything...

But I liked it. Wasn't expecting to have two characters die like that (sadface), but it worked. Like the twist at the end, too.
Lord Immortalus chapter 4 . 1/7/2009
probably the best story I readed here:P Althought I havent readed much of them but I doubt many will be better:P Just update man:P
Thoughtful Silence chapter 2 . 12/18/2008
Whoa, this just gets better...

I simply love your writing style. The people themselves are, fundamentally, rather generic: with the playful teasing between Aaron and Charlie, the fatherly figure Bear acting like a kind hearted guard dog, but the way you write them makes them feel fresh, and very relatable. Good job.

I also love the vividness of some of the imagery you use. seriously, some of your metaphors and descriptions belong in florid poetry.

Anyways, as to specifics for this chapter:

The dialogue is great; it flowed well and felt natural. Only thing I can think to criticise is that sometimes you don't put who is speaking, which is fine, but in certain sections this confused me somewhat.

Also, whilst your description is very good, as aforementioned, there are times when you go into detail too much, making your story feel like a list of descriptions. Luckily, the dialogue breaks this up, placing less emphasis on it.

I really like the humour in this chapter too. I just find all three such likeable people. My favourite line was probably "Her mouth was better suited to a smirk than a pout, and although the grenade belts slung across her chest tended to impress the boys, her actual chest did not." It was just perfectly constructed. Kudos.

Anyways, keep up the work and update soon.

~ Silence
FuckMeAlice chapter 2 . 12/8/2008
Wow, now this is getting really interesting. I love mercenaries. How did you guess? I promise I'll get to the next couple of chapters soon. I've just got a few other people to get to, is all.

FuckMeAlice chapter 1 . 12/8/2008
Hmm... I'm not quite sure what to epect with this chapter. Nothign much I can complain about. The characters seem pretty interesting. Next chapter.

Thoughtful Silence chapter 1 . 12/8/2008
I really liked this chapter. Your charcters already feel real, well-crafted and well-portrayed. I love the back and forth in the dialogue and even the little idea that they are playing for cigarettes and chores (incidently, something i liked about a certain show called Firefly) gives the characters a nice, personal quality.

Your writing style is impressive and your vocabulary refreshingly expansive. Some of the imagery is very good, and the majority of the description is good, original and effective. I didnt find much to fault with the dialogue, besides the not quite realized accent of Bear.

As for real constructive criticism: what i noticed is that you seem reluctant during dialogue to simply write 'said' instead choosing all these variations like 'choked' 'grunted' 'added'... when all this achieves is stunting the dialogue and enforcing it in too detailed a fashion.

Also, there is too much description in this, particularly the first few paragraphs. Don't get me wrong, its very good, visual description, but a first chapter is all about creating a 'hook' that makes people feel compelled to read on rather than proving your worth as a writer. With this story the hook seems to be rushed in the final little section which, i think, doesn't do justice to how good this story is.

Anyways, i really liked this, and i will surely continue to read on (and inherently review) when i get the chance :)

- Silence
HiringParanoia chapter 4 . 12/8/2008
Oh, cliffhanger. How dare thee! Excited to see the little bits and pieces of Joseph unfolding, and I can't wait to know more. I love how they all interact. For one, it's natural, for two, it's hilarious. Doin' good, can't wait for more. I do believe I'm supposed to hunt you down and kill you now, though... hm

Now, I'm off to read the other five new chapters I have. Love it when I get ambushed with a bunch of them.
InorganicBoy chapter 1 . 12/8/2008
Oh, wow. Where to start on this? You have such a way with words, from the dialogue to the tongue-in-cheek descriptions you use throughout the story. I love the voice that comes through in your writing, sometimes lyrical and haunting, and other times incredibly straight forward - easily something that anyone could relate to, which is so important.

At first, I thought the scene with the pigeon in chapter one was a bit too wordy. However without it, the next scene with the character introduction wouldn't have been half as fun, and I realize it would have taken us that much longer to realize that the setting and the world is a bit of an unusual one.

I really like Charlie as a character. Though kickass, she doesn't seem as though she's trying too hard. Bear is as loveable as his namesake, and Aaron...oh, Aaron. I am a sucker for the smartasses who constantly grin.

...Almost as much as I'm a sucker for socially inept, goggle and scarf-wearing snipers who share the same name as my very best friend.

I was swept up into this story very quickly and totally immersed. This is a novel waiting to be finished and published.
Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 12/6/2008
Hey. Sorry it took so long for me to return the review. Schoolwork got in the way.

1)"or in the way that the sun’s margins seemed to turn into jelly in the sweltering midday heat." Wow. I might not have too many review bullet-points for this story, since it's already lovely. If I stopped to gawk over every rich description, I think my review would be as long as the story itself.

2)"Its sides were tearstained with streaks of corrosion, and white windmills had sprung up from its back like parasites." fantastic worldbuilding, and I like the way you make civilization seem organic.

3) great character dynamics, although I'll confess Bear is my favorite of the team.

4)"If he’s another one of those old dead guys with the crazy eyebrows, I don’t want to hear it" great line, and I love the society that you've created here.

5) "I mean, thanks. I love these things." fossil collecting is kind of an awesome quirk for Charlie.

6) The only productive advice I can give for this is that you need to keep writing it. I would enjoy reading more.

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