Reviews for His Majesty's Kingdom
Guest chapter 26 . 6/9/2013
Awsome story, little muddled in spots but full of passion. You should be proud.
ImmanenceEnsured chapter 3 . 5/8/2013
This chapter is so amazing... O.O Your descriptions are so honest and clear, I love it. Love the wolf and the crow, they had me mesmerized, shocked even, the puss out of the eye and all, LOVE IT!
dragonflydreamer chapter 6 . 1/15/2011
["Ride a bus."/"I'd need an adult."/"Use a teacher."/"They have to be on the visitor list.] I feel like there's something I'm missing here. I guess 3 a.m. is my cutoff for actually understand what I read, haha.

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Ah, this explains so much. Greg answered all my questions about Kim and cleared up the reasons why Derek is the way he is, or at least a good chunk of them.

I really love how you blend reality and Derek's imagination in this chapter. You leave the reader guessing at what's really happening as Derek's trying to figure it out himself.

It seems like as soon as I take a step forward in understanding where you're going, I take at least three backwards and you leave me completely guessing again, haha.

Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
dragonflydreamer chapter 5 . 1/15/2011
[Kim didn't know how she managed to the hospital in ten minutes] Get to the hospital? Make it to the hospital?

[he was going to get a lot of nasty racial comments back for that.] Racial comments? I never realized that he was a minority. African American?

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Very trippy chapter. We keep getting deeper and deeper into Derek's mind with each chapter, and I'm loving the exploration you're taking with that. I am hoping that we get more solid plot in the next few chapters since it's hard to sink my teeth into much substance with these chapters. The introduction of Greg at the end of this seems to be a suggestion of this.

Kim isn't quite striking me right. Is she intentionally giving up on Derek because of what's happening with Monique? She didn't seem to have his best interests at heart in the hospital, her "speech" to him was pretty flat, and she didn't even take away the drugs or the creepy stuffed animal he keeps talking to. I assume you plan to develop her character more?
dragonflydreamer chapter 4 . 1/14/2011
[Sniffing, he coughed onto the back of his hand] In this section, you start three sentences in a row with the structure of "Verb-comma-main sentence." Try to change at least one of them.

[Grabbing a pot of rice, he dumped a few scoops into a bowl, then put the rest back in the fridge.] I'm not quite getting what you mean here. Was it already on the stove and cooked? Did he cook it? Was it in the fridge?

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Not much to say about this chapter except since it's mostly a bridge/continuation of events. He's obviously tripping on some pretty serious drugs, but he's actually figuring things out with him. Are you going along with the notion that drugs take you to a level of understanding that you couldn't reach otherwise? If so, I assume that's going to be the main thread of the plot-using these trips as a way to figure out how to help his sister.

In any case, this is DEFINITELY nothing like I've seen before on this site. Quite an imagination you have.

Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
dragonflydreamer chapter 3 . 1/14/2011
This is a really chilling chapter. I was just settling into the realism of the first two chapters, so the beginning of these completely took me by surprise. As I began to realize that this was all Derek's mind, I was equally surprised by how messed up he actually is. I was expecting something emotionally off about him, but I didn't know it was this deep. Really loving it now.

You really kept the eerie feel up, too. There was the obvious aspect of the content, such as the wolf and crow, the blood, the drugs, and the stain on the mattress. But there was also the way you described this, like "ghosting," "dark cavern," etc. You were very in-control of the mood you were creating.
dragonflydreamer chapter 2 . 1/14/2011
(Sorry, the RM reviews with be a bit more bare-bones P)

[ down on Monique's bed, looking at the young woman lying in her hospice bed.] Change one of these "bed"s.

[Cou-Isn't there something else you could do] I started reading the beginning as "cow" because I had no idea what word he was starting.

[perhaps never to show their faces again.] Wait, why are they acting as if they're never going to see her again?

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Ah, TB. Is it completely twisted to say that it's my favorite disease? I've done a lot of research on it and I'm working on a story based around it myself. The moment I saw those letters, you definitely caught my attention.

Along that thread, I'm definitely getting more of a sense of what type of story this is. The idea of Derek saving his sister was so broad that I had no idea where to start, but her obvious medical problem narrows it down. Great placement having that at the beginning of chapter two.

Wow, Derek really does have some anger problems. I was thinking he might just have problems with school, but it's obviously branching into his home life, too. He should be an interesting main character.

Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 1/13/2011
Congrats on winning the Review Marathon! Here's your prize review:

(Reviewing as I go)

Not a bad opening. I tend to read the first sentence over a few times, and I must say, this one is a bit long-winded, but I didn't notice that too much the first time, so I suppose you made it work.

[Derek was not a friendly thirteen year old] Thirteen-year-old.

I'm not particularly a fan of Robyn with a y, but that's a personal pet peeve of mine. I love the name Robyn for a boy, though. Nice job incorporating it into the writing, too.

[or had been living under a pile of game cards and library books.] Smiled at this one.

[flung wet clay into Derek's braids.] Braids? Unusual for a middle-school boy. I'm curious as to how exactly he wears them.

I'm loving the fight scene between the two boys. You're really creating the tension with the dialogue and the actions.

[with the end it all statement that would take Derek's life away forever.] Took me a second to get what you were saying. I think "end-it-all" should be hyphenated.

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Interesting start you have here. With the title and summary, I was obviously expecting some sort of fantasy, but now that I've read it, I go back and, lo and behold, there is no "fantasy" in the genre. I should really pay more attention to that, haha. But really, that's a neat little trick you have going there. I'm definitely more interested in this now that I thought this was a fantasy and was proved wrong. I'm really curious about what the "kingdom" is now.

Your characters are captivating me already. That's not something I'm able to say in a first chapter very often, but they already have distinct personalities in the two-thousand-or-so words you have here. I really like Robyn so far-a bit of a prankster, really laid back about, but not particularly spiteful, and really doesn't like tension with others despite his antics. Derek's a bit more one-dimensional so far, his anger being his main trait, but that's a rather complex one that I'm sure will be explored plenty in later chapters.

One thing I must say, though, is that I had trouble believing that these were junior high students. If you hadn't mentioned that at the beginning, I would have pinned them as maybe 17. I feel bad mentioning this in my review because I can't exactly put my finger on what's off to me, except that maybe the the boys' reactions in the aftermath of the fight seemed a bit too mature and rational for the ages you're giving them. I'll keep an eye out for this in later chapters and get back to you.

But back on the positive side, I'm really impressed by the writing style you used in this. You have a very narrative voice, particularly in the first and last few lines, that really give it a pseudo-fantasy feel without making it clash with the contemporary setting. I'd normally comment on the lack of physical description, but I thought this carried very well with the action and dialogue driving. I'm not sure if the whole story can hold strong with such an imbalance, but I wouldn't change this chapter in that regards.

Well, I have absolutely no idea where the story is going, but you've certainly piqued my interest.
Raiya-shi chapter 26 . 3/11/2010
O I wanted them to get together, but I'm sort of surprised about how much I don't mind that they did -. Still, I'm curious about what happened after... Thanks for uploading the story though - twas very enjoyable/entertaining/awesome/you get the pic P !
Narq chapter 26 . 3/4/2010
Yes, the ending was satisfactory, and I think you managed it well without it being cliche or cheesy - something that I need to work with myself.

Well done!
Lassitude chapter 26 . 3/3/2010
This was definitely a satisfactory ending. I wouldn't specifically define this whole story as romance though, because there seemed to be little of that actually going on, but what there was of it was very touching and sweet. You have a lot of talent for drama and most especially character development. I wish FP had more authors of your caliber, because Lord knows we need them.

Looking forward to your next work!

Blood
Lassitude chapter 25 . 3/2/2010
Holy crap! What an intense chapter! What an intense STORY! I don't know if this is over or not, and if it is, I'm going to cry. I really hope that it isn't though, because as much as I hate to admit it, I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Something that really irritated me throughout all the chapters were the excess commas. That's just me though, because I had to pause every time I saw one and wonder if it was there because of the way Derek thought and spoke, or if they were just random occurrences. Other than those commas, I feel like you did an amazing job with this. I especially enjoyed the talking animals and Derek's subconscious speaking with him. You conveyed the acid trip pretty well, if some of the stories I've heard are true, and I definitely liked that as well. Your character development and the way Derek reacted to things are all portrayed in a very realistic sense.

Eyah, I have even more wonderful things to say, but I think that might be a little obsessive if I write them all out for you. Basically I just want to let you know that I really enjoy this story and tell you that you have a lot of talent. I'm looking forward to a few more chapters and hoping for that happy ending!

Blood
Narq chapter 24 . 2/20/2010
Aw so sad!

I can't believe that they actually 'killed' the sister. I guess that the parents were right, but it was really, really sad.

I'm really interested what will happen later. I like Wolf - he's cool! :D
Alteng chapter 22 . 8/22/2009
Okay, get this review in where it belongs. I feel bad for Robyn, but I kind of understand that this romance is a disappointment for them. No one wants to hear that their child is gay. When I read this, I felt really bad for Derek because I was wondering how it would be explained that he couldn't come over to his house that night, but I missed Chapter 21. So, it has worked out.

It is funny about the feelings described on Robyn's part, but it does make it feel more realistic.

Corey and her friends are fun, and I would say that they are a bit of outcasts themselves. It is stange that Richard wants to be called Felix. The name reminds me of the band Silke Bischoff. The main player in that band is named Felix. It is a weird connection.

This chapter shows a lot of maturity on Derek's part. I don't think I could talk to Ariel on civil terms after what she did, but I am not Derek.

The water ballooning was fun, and Jillian so deserved it.
Alteng chapter 21 . 8/22/2009
I will have to say that it took long enough for them to get to their first kiss, and it was rather spontanteous. It was sweet of Robyn to offer to help Monique out, even though he doesn't really believe it will help.

I actually read Chapter 22 first by accident. So, I am a bit turned around with the review.

Robeyn has too busy of a schedule for his own good... poor Derek just got in the house when he called. No wonder the boy is so hassled looking when Robyn showed up.

And Corey seems to be a nice girl. I am certain that he was glad he talked to her in the first place. Things seem to be looking up.
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