Reviews for Come Home Daddy
East-0f-Eden chapter 1 . 2/25/2010
Your story left me literally in tears. It's been a REALLY long time since I've read a story this emotionally moving on FP. You describe the horrors of war perfectly because the little boy had a Dad too...I don't know if you're American or not but this war has just gone on for way to long.
Mercyette chapter 1 . 1/31/2010
Your freebie!

I think this is a really nice story, even if it is a rather sad one.

Your description is very nice. I especially like how you describe the backgrounds in the different scenes. I could see everything in my mind's eyes, which isn't something I come accross very often.

I really like how your portray the characters as well. They're quite believeable, especially the father's determination to keep going even after he had been wounded.

A good one-shot!
The Lucy Program chapter 1 . 9/7/2009
" “And then in the summer, he was made me a tree house! " You might want to get rid of the 'was'. :)

The scene that begins "as a crow lifted" was a very well-done paragraph. Your word choice and imagery was awesome. I loved it.

You kept to the little girl's character very well. It's not always easy to remember that small children have extremely short attention spans. I applaud you. :]

Very touching story, as I'd expect from you.

Blessed Be,

TLP.
J.Szewczuk chapter 1 . 1/18/2009
First of all I would like to say that this story was very well written. I was exceptionally surprised by the ending. I really thought the little girl's father had been the one killed.

The one thing I liked the most about this story is also the one thing I liked the least. How can that be? I know it sounds a little oxymoronic, but let me try and explain. The innocence of the little girl was sweet. I actually liked how every time she spoke she used "me and daddy" instead of "daddy and I". It was improper English but it fit the story very well. It showed just how young she was. According to psychology, when children are very little they always think of themselves before others. In fact, it is probably the only time I will congratulate someone on using improper English. Kudos. Seriously. I loved it.

Also, the majority of the story was very descriptive, but there were certain parts where I just wish there was more. For example:

“Yes I remember.”

“And then in the summer, he was made me a tree house! It was such a nice tree house, too. Wasn’t it, mamma?”

“Yes, dear.”

“But then he had to go. When do you think he’ll be back?”

“I don’t know, dear.”

Five sentences with only dialogue and no description at all. What are they doing while they speak? Is the mother looking at her daughter? Is she looking down, hiding her eyes? Is she exasperated from the interrogation her daughter seems to be giving?

(It also appears there is an extra "was" in the sentence about the tree house.)

Like I said in the beginning, overall it was a great story!
Very Serious chapter 1 . 1/11/2009
Review Game!

Hey there, I really liked your use of description. You painted a very vivid picture of the world of the story and it really brought me in (especially the first paragraph).

One thing that took me out of it a little was when the girl says: “Why’d he have to go off to war, mommy? It’s not fair!” It should be unclear whether she understands what she's talking about, but her use of the phrase "go off to war" implies strongly that she knows what's going on. That kind of removed me a little from the story.

Other than that, it was very lovely and well-written!

Peace

VS
The Jab chapter 1 . 1/7/2009
Oh wow. This is so real. I can't imagine how you could tell a child that there father isn't coming home. Thanks Bush.

Anyway, I love the switching back with the page breaks. It was a great way to divide up the story. It's a great writing device and translates on screen as well.

The ending was great too. I had a feeling from the beginning that the dad was going to die and by the beginning of the last soldier section I was like "I was right. How predictable." Then you threw in the twist of that being some other guy and the father being the hero.

You can really feel the emptiness in the wife. And the cluelessness in the child. It's so accurate.

Bravo.

Happy Writing,

The Jab

PS Once again, congrats on the question answer. You hadn't said much of anything for so long then you come out with all three correct answers. Bravo.
Left FP chapter 1 . 1/2/2009
I am in shock...wait a minute...

I really like this story...the way is opens...kind of like a introduction from any mystery story...

I like the way the story kind of flows...and the way, the little girl reminisces about her father.

The shocking fact was her father, killing another. A issue born here, isn't it? Humanity v/s Country.

He wants to be united with his family. But in order to do that, he has to tear apart other families.

That is a harsh reality of war. Your brief reference to the other father does flash a lot of thoughts into the readers mind.

Sorry, I can't offer much concrit.

I just don't feel right about messing with the flow of this one-shot.

A truly brilliant piece of work!
Link Broken chapter 1 . 12/21/2008
THIS WAS THE BEST ONE SHOT I HAVE EVER READ!

I cant stress that enough.

I LOVE LOVE LOVED! Your writing! YOUR WRITING STYLE IS AWESOME!

I loved how you went back and forth between scenes! At first, when I scrolled through this, I was afraid that it wouldn't be good because going back and forth isn't easy to pull off but it was PHENOMINAL!

2 things though:

1 "he was made me a tree house" was made is not good grammer.

2 when the girl cries about daddy going off to war, you say a little girl can't be angry for long. I agree that little kids don't hold grudges, but a missing father is not something a little girl would just get over in a few seconds, esp if she's so attached. It would've made more sense if you had her mom calm her down and then go on.

I loved your irony at the end. THAT WAS REALLY GOOD! And heartbreaking. BUT AMAZING!

You should definately get this published somewhere!

~Kay from the review game
inkspatters chapter 1 . 12/11/2008
Review Game!

I really like this story. It's got an interesting, touching plot and the writing flows quite smoothly. I liked the way you had parallel plots going on. That was very interesting.

Sometimes, though, especially at the start, your writing felt overly descriptive. I kept picking up adverbs that didn't need to be there and just slowed down the pace of the story. So yes, you might want to go over it and kill off a few adverbs.

Other than that, good stuff :)
ADSpencer chapter 1 . 12/8/2008
What an ending!

Fantastic work with this. I would maybe have enjoyed knowing more about the war and the setting if this were longer, but, as it is, the story has a positive effect on the reader without the extras. Plus, you provided enough detail to help add to the atmosphere of the story.

I just can't get over that ending. It was fantastic, really. And it carried a lot of weight for such a short scene.

I liked that you divided the scenes into so many parts. That helped the drama develop nicely.

Nicely done.
october lies chapter 1 . 12/1/2008
Oh wow. I really have to say that I definitely loved this! I could feel the little girl slow but sure change of emotions as her train of thought led to her father leaving and why he left. The way she doesn't understand why exactly he had to go to war really makes this piece memorable for me. I love this. The end, though, really did it for me. Though I don't see it as a "happy ending", I see it as more of a "I'm going to say what will make you happy" sort of thing. One of those acceptable white lies.
Serenity Takaishi chapter 1 . 12/1/2008
My favorite part was the first paragraph! it caught my attention, and really made me want to read it; it's a good feat to be able to do that, in my eyes. i can't find anytghin i don't like really (so another thing i like it), your description. it gave me a good picture in my mind wat was going on, and how everything appeared. magnificant work :]
golden skans chapter 1 . 11/29/2008
oh wow. wow.

I love the ending.

Good job!
Decoris Verbum chapter 1 . 11/29/2008
Wow. I loved the twist at the end, because it made the piece not so bleak. Very creative. I also like the title, that and the dialogue, because it really personified the little girl-because that's how little kids talk. The length was great, and the intermissions of the dying soldier kept me reading. Nice work!

Happy writing,

-DV-