|Reviews for An Encountering Chance|
| Raymond Lamar Gilstrap chapter 1 . 4/17/2012
Interesting read! Will definitely be back to check out more soon!
| Ellison P. Asantewa chapter 1 . 9/25/2011
What I didn't like about the story was that there were several grammatical and spelling errors that showed up too often for me to take note of exactly when and where. It hurt the story a lot and deterred my interest.
Also, I didn't like the flow of the story. The dialogue was a bit confusing. The story was rather choppy and, again, it honestly could barely hold my interest. The story itself is a little cliched, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you have to try and make it less cliche, i.e. the annoying best friend who gets the MC into trouble and the mysterious guy that turns out to be a vampire. There's potential here...but you just have to keep working at it. I encourage you to keep writing and to continue to grow as a storyteller.
| A Fire Rose chapter 1 . 9/25/2011
Hey! To start, the following takes the third person narrative to second and sounds awkward: "... but cook because to take away your problems." And "short black ruffles skirt" should say "short black ruffled skirt." I love that you describe how the characters look. You use a lot of adjetives, though, and re-use some like "white-peach" and "creamy." I tend to do the same thing, so I understand. When you say "disliking the guy before he could flirt with her," you're telling what she is feeling, but not showing it. Unless you count what she said as showing it, in which case, you wouldn't need to tell me. You forgot the "was" in "Rei surprised and curious." This relationship is also progressing remarkably quickly, and a guy blowing a kiss that quickly would probably generally be taken as creepy. Should be an "s" at the end of "tricks of your." You are also missing an "s" in ""Tori a big fan of poetry." "She believes her friend mind play..." changes tenses, and doesn't quite make sense. Black hair and blue eyes is extremely rare in a person. You changed the tense again in "whispers in her mind." By the way, Rei is extremely creepy. When Mr. Kuru calls Tori, it looks more like he's singing her name because it's just separated by commas. Maybe say that he called her name repeatedly? It seems like a stretch that the first thing to come to Tori's mind would be that a vampire attacked her, even if she brushed off the thought earlier. Seems like they would call the police, or get her checked out at the hospital, or something. Also seems like she would at least get her own bite checked out. Rei is unreasobaly enamored with himself. The plot seemed to be mostly dialogue so far, and not a ton happened, but I know it was just the beginning. That is all! :-)
| Salem Jones chapter 6 . 9/19/2011
I like the story so far, and Tori and Rei slowly becoming more comfortable with each other, they seemed almost normal together by the chapters end. I like the suprise at the end and hope to read the next chapter soon to find out more about it :)
Keep up the good work ;)
| Fantasy's Dreamer chapter 12 . 7/4/2011
yay your finally back i like the chapter it had a lot more! and im so glad your back
| DutchAver chapter 1 . 6/7/2011
I like the dynamics between Tori and Miyu, and how they are both so different when it comes to guys - I especially like the way you characterise Miyu. However, Rei only made my alarm bells ring - it's kind of weird that immediately on the first day, he says all girls adore him, and he seems like a stalker... fortunately, you have your explanation for that :) It feels kind of Twilight-ish, although 'Edward' is more villanous here.
The changing of scenes is sometimes a bit too sudden: for example, shouldn't you clarify a little earlier that Tori has a job? One second, she's with Miyu, the other second, she's suddenly in a job we had no knowledge of beforehand. You do it more often and it reads kind of annoying.
I've discovered a few spelling mistakes I'd like to point out to you :)
'Miyu completely ignored Tori plead' Tori's plead
'for any tricks of your' any of your tricks sounds better here.
'or maybe I'm over reacting.' overreacting is one word.
'"Tori a big fan of poetry' Tori IS a big fan...
' by it cover' by itS cover
'my intension of leaving' my intenTion
'Sometime a person completely opposite will be attracts' This sentence sounds pretty weird, perhaps 'will be attracted to you'?
Hope this review was helpful!
| Rosemarysgraden001 chapter 5 . 6/5/2011
Heres my review !
These stories always make me giggle lol. I like the characters and how they interact. Nice kidnapers are always the worst!
I like the mood of the story and how nice Rei house is.
| WinnieP chapter 1 . 6/2/2011
Vampire Fiction - this is a guilty pleasure for me so I'm very happy. Oh yeah - this is for the Author/Artist trade agreement - I had some spare time so I thought I'd kickstart one of your reviews.
Now first thing I want to mention is that your grammar and sentences need fixing up - especially in your opening. I love calm openings that lead the reader with an idealitic (is that even a word lol) view of a nice normal world with the over-hanging threat this will change - that this will be gone. It reminds me a bit of one of Austen’s openings where everything is described as perfect – with the hint of change. Good stuff.
However while your description is really good but it's a bit difficult to read and so this limits the potential.
For example: 'It was the mid of February across the busy street of Shinjuku, Tokyo.' - original sentence may flow better as 'It was the middle of February and the main street of Shinjuku, Tokyo was busy.' because at the moment it reads as February is across a busy street which doesn't make sense.
Also your second sentence should be 'The cold weather kept people bundled in coat(s) and (scarves)'.
In short you really need to look at each sentence and tease it up to make sure that it makes sense. Readers don't want to have to work hard to gain meaning - I certainly don't want to have to anyway.
My other nitpick is point of view – you set us firmly in Tori’s point of view but you include thoughts from other characters. I think it would be far more powerful to stick to Tori’s point of view. It’s cleaner that way. Show us why Rei is dangerous, arrogant – don’t tell us. I would drop your last paragraph to be honest or change it to Tori feeling like something is watching her … something to keep the suspense going which is important for vampire fiction I believe,
Moving on ... TORI – brash, cool-cat, snarky, but ultimately I like her. She’s straightforward and means business. I can really sense a determination in her – she has a practical mind which becomes evident at the end with her thought about providing for herself. She’ll be an independent character and I hope that isn’t lost as she begins to fall for Mr Mysterious. ;) Because I like her offhandedness – oh and Miyu was funny and played the role of the best friend well: the setting up with a blind date, the lovestruck, the sheer confidence – Tori and her are little like Yin and Yang. It’s a fun dynamic to play with.
It’ll be interesting to see where you’ve already taken this. I look forward to reading the rest of this.
| Vernelley chapter 6 . 5/27/2011
It would've been nice to get a little more description and narrative happening, but it wasn't so bad. I think at this stage the romance is more realistic, but I still think it happened too quickly in the earlier chapters. It seems that the emotions are a bit rushed in some parts.
Tori's mental voice is written fairly well though, as it really conveys a sense of confusion and conflict. Rei's was a little harder to perceive as realistic.
It's also interesting to see you've got your own little snippets of vampire mythology.
It's also funny how they have this half-teasing half-flirting dialogue when Rei talks about Tori being attracted to him. That part does make it realistic; it's not like they're hopelessly attracted to each other, the way they kind of were before.
I'm still finding it a little hard to picture the time of day and setting this is all taking place. Maybe you could elaborate on that a bit.
Oh, things will surely be interesting with this Devin character. I'm curious.
| Fantasy's Dreamer chapter 11 . 1/23/2011
i always like your story please update :D
| Eiya Weathes chapter 4 . 12/22/2010
I have to say that the pace is too fast. It would be much more uhh realistic and dramatic if their feelings grew gradually.
I like how you decided to play with the emotions here. It's a good effect!
- Amethyst Penn
This review is sponsored by the Gossip Forum.
| Eiya Weathes chapter 3 . 12/22/2010
Okay I've noticed a few grammatical errors. I suggest that you reread this and polish your tenses.
I think the Tori we know and love is fading here. She's turning...soft and mellow. And she's always sleeping. I just hope that there will be more excitement in the next chapter.
Gotta say though, I still love Rei.
- Amethyst Penn
This review is sponsored by the Gossip Forum.
| Eiya Weathes chapter 2 . 12/22/2010
Okay the start of the chapter didn't really work for me. It felt kind of bland but I guess it's a good thing if you're going for the whole "normal day then...WHAM! Right there! Whoa!" kind of thing. But in my opinion, it felt too boring.
The scene between Rei and Tori was awesome. I just fell in love with Rei right there. He has this mysterious and deadly calm thing about him. It's great to learn about his personality bit by bit.
| Eiya Weathes chapter 1 . 12/22/2010
I find the opening a bit on the mellow side. I'm all for the whole "BAM! In your face!" opening lines but I really like your beginning because it was light and it flowed. That's a good thing because it kept me wanting to read more.
However this: [The owner proudly enjoys cooking, not because of money, but cook because to take away your problems.] It kind of messed up the flow for a bit.
[Some of the dates ended because the guys were pushy, flirty, etc.]
- Over here. I suggest you to not use "etc." Maybe it can be, "Some of the dates ended pretty badly because the were pushy or flirty...the list went on."
["I see. Well, you two have a good evening. Goodbye, Tori." Rei smiled while standing up as he caught her off guard by taking her right hand and kissed it.]
- That was sweet.
I really like Tori's character. She can be pretty observant and very straightforward. It can actually be likable.
I like how you portrayed her friend's personality and love-sickness. It suited her perfectly.
| seredemia chapter 2 . 12/21/2010
I like how Tori is stubborn and she doesn't go down without a fight. Good for her at throwing a lamp at Rei! You gotta love it when characters turn violent. Although, I would have preferred it if you put more description. The lack of description kinda made the dialogue flat. Like you could have descrbied what it was like for Tori when Rei put her to sleep... It kinda went too fast for my liking. Aside from that, I love Rei. I love demaninding characters like him. He seems to calm, but he has that aura of danger around him. Also, I love how he keeps calling her Miss Amami! It makes him sound so polite :D