|Reviews for The Alchemist's Creed|
| HatedLove6 chapter 1 . 5/19/2010
This has definitely caught my interest. There were situations that I thought should have changed, like I thought that Akashi should have showed up instead of Eden, but I'm not the author and I don't know what will happen next. There were a few grammatical and punctuation errors, but overall, very well-written.
| Shang chapter 1 . 5/11/2009
The summary seemed very interesting, so I gave this tale a try. And I must admit I have mixed feelings.
To start of with positives: the story itself is intriguing and the whole concept of Alchemy got my attention. It has a mystic vibe to it and gives promise of an interesting adventure.
Your choice of protagonists is somewhat risky as up to this point they show few, positive qualities: they were willing to steal just like that, they're rude and basically annoyed with everything besides each other. True, a bunch of my main heroes started out similary, but you should watch out. Usually it's the characters that drive the story and if those you chose as the leading ones won't get the readers' sympathy... well, the result could be devastating for the tale.
Descriptions is something I'd advice you work on. For most part they were okay (I skip the fact that in manga-type stories I prefer these to be kept on a basic level), but at points I found them tiring. This was mostly because in several places they were repetitive. Let me give you a piece of advice on that issue: the problem with long descriptions is that by putting them you have to make them interesting, so that the reader won't get 'overwhelmed' by them. Doing so is fairy easy in theory, since all you have to do is use the right language (it helps if the descriptions use actions from time to time like in stead of just giving the view of a scenery, you could write what a character spot... but in that regard you did good) and avoid repetition. A simple example from your chapter:
"It still didn’t wake her up surprisingly, and then the badge wrapped itself around Haruka’s wrist into a grey wristband, and then the ancient writing submerged with the wristband, and then everything was quiet."
Using this many "and then" in one sentance is a very bad idea (skipping the fact that, technically, it is a gramatical error). Now, the same thing could've been writen a bit differently and yet it'd be much more enjoyable to read, like something among the lines:
"Surprisingly it still didn't wake her up, allowing the badge to wrap itself around Hakura's hand, taking a form of a grey wristband. And then everything went quiet again..."
I hope you see what I mean.
Also it's a good idea to use different means refering to characters in stead of just their names, coz the effect could be similar to repetition (btw, at the beginning you wrote Haruka has hazel eyes and yet later made them jade, so a little question: which is it?)... should you want, I suppose either of my stories could be used as an example of "character pin-pointing".
On a more personal note: I didn't like how you turned Japan (which is where, apparently, this story takes place) into America. I can live without suffixes and honorifics (not everyone has to know how these work), but why use America currency is Samurai Country? And as far as I know school buses don't work in Japan on daily basis. And as bonus information: in Japan and China you give the last name befor your first (so Suchiro should've said "Ichitaka Haruka and Rukati Kazuki").
I hope none of the above offended you, for that was not my aim. I'm merely offering you some constructive criticism in an attempt to rise your writing skills. Feel free to do with it what you wish.
It's not that I don't like the story as a whole, coz I can see great potencial in it and I have a feeling it'll be an interesting read. I'll be back to read more of it in the near future.
Good luck with future chapters.
| None ya chapter 5 . 5/9/2009
great chapter but you need to hurry up and post more im getting tired of waiting for the next chapter
| Toshiro36 chapter 1 . 4/22/2009
OMG! Love you story hope you write more soon!
| OneWingedAngel666 chapter 5 . 3/18/2009
you never fail to impress me. sorry that my review was really late... ap bio and twitter... o_O a very bizarre conversation. I love the way it ended with the whole chaos thing! :D keep it up!i look forward for more!
| Manga-Dragon-Sci-fi Lover chapter 5 . 3/2/2009
Hm...cool.I like it,ALOT.I'll watch out for updates in the future.
| OneWingedAngel666 chapter 4 . 2/4/2009
Ah you've done it again! When I should be doing AP biology, with my ADD i find myself reading your new chapter. .;; just dont tell my bio teacher. Wonderful! I love how we are confronted with the evil bad guy and his henchmen, and we are filled with mystery towards the mysterious ( and hot) ichijo. However, you mentioned a horrible fact in this chapter... Akio has silver hair. And now I'm probably going to fan girl him and ichijo. ok i wont! I cant wait! for chapter 5! keep it up!
| OneWingedAngel666 chapter 3 . 1/12/2009
YAY! I LOVE BATTLE SCENES! You wrote an extremely well written battle scene, which are very hard to accomplish. Well done! This is evolving to an awesome shonen style anime. I can totally see this happening and yes I ADORE cliffhangers! Kudos! I cant wait till chapter 4! Oh ! can you pretty please review mine! .;;
| OneWingedAngel666 chapter 2 . 1/12/2009
Ah you never fail to impress me! Good work! Sorry with the sluggish review, APs, Exams, eh I digress. Anyways, I am intrigued by the whole 'spirit' thing. It reminds me of Naruto in a way and Persona 3. I am ashamed to admit it but i am an Ichijo fangirl. Hot emo guys are my weakness. . keep it up!
| Fallen wolf angel chapter 3 . 1/12/2009
hey I'm back dude I love haruka and kazuki, you did an awesome job i look forward to more of this amazing story. _
| Ragnarok Dark Princess chapter 3 . 1/10/2009
Haruka-sama, Kazuki-sama, So cool..*eyes sparkles* And *gasps* a cliffhanger. Can't wait *squeals*
| Ragnarok Dark Princess chapter 2 . 12/13/2008
Sweet. I actually like it. Can wait next chapter. Review my story too. XD
| Fallenwolfangel chapter 1 . 12/10/2008
I love stories about alchemy, it's really interseting to learn although i'm not a science major, keep this up please
| Ragnarok Dark Princess chapter 1 . 12/4/2008
Weird, but quite good. Will wait next chapter.
| OneWingedAngel666 chapter 1 . 12/4/2008
This is purely genius, Genius! This is one of the best stories I have read yet! It is practically void of grammatical errors (which makes me happy)! Also, i love stories like this. You write extremely well, and I love your usage of imagery , like I can totally imagine this as an anime in my head as I read! Heh, that gym teacher reminds me of mine... very well crafted. Update soon! I look forward to reading more of Haruka and Kazuki! .