|Reviews for Snippets|
| scrubbybubbles chapter 1 . 9/30/2012
I'm writing this review in regards to all of the chapters you have written. The premise is certainly interesting (I've seen it done with emotions rather than just plain words) and your writing is much better than average. I understand that things like this should be fairly short, but you gave us way too little to work with...I mean, you only wrote three sentences for the second chapter. If you were to write each of these into a small paragraph, I think it would make your work overall more powerful. You also should consider fusing your words with emotions; it will make your little 'snippets' stick out in the readers' mind.
These snippets are not unlike haikus; therefore, they should be just as profound.
Good luck to you and I hope this was helpful!
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 8 . 12/27/2008
And this one is definitely my favourite. The images here are astounding. I love: "the sky seems to curve in" and also "closer than they've ever been" ... it rhymes slightly, and thus ties the two images together. Beautiful. :D
"They're only a lifetime away from the ends of my fingertips." I love this line too, even though I've heard it before - the execution of it helped to conquer the cliches. :D
The last line of this, as most of your others, was grand. It brought together all of the images of curving skies and nearness and tied them together into one big sphere. I liked it a lot. :D
I hope you write more of these. :D
Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 7 . 12/27/2008
This snippet was not as emotional or haunting as the others, but that doesn't make it any less good. This one was cute and fun and cheerful. I liked it.
"trailing a line of delicate pink down my arm." I think delicious would've been better but ... nyan. XP
"Even as I reach out, stretching my arms awkwardly in front of me" - I don't like this line, 'cause it kills the flow of the thing... it's describing the way the juice trails down the various body parts, all fluid and full of great imagery. And then that line. It kind of kills it. No good. Too clunky.
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 6 . 12/27/2008
Eh... this one doesn't fly. It's too jumbledy. There are not enough images, and not enough mystery. Everything is too laid out. Your other snippets were better. :)
"Don't be afraid to be afraid for when death comes" ... No good. I had to read this three times before I got it. It's too wordy. I think punctuation would solve this problem.
"I listened and heard something more in her voice." This ending is sort of anticlimactic, especially since you've had such a good record so far with the awesome endings. :P I expected more out of you!
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 5 . 12/27/2008
Hmm... I like the line "as if the world is weighing heavy on your back." However, it is hard to follow, since right before that is "Push your feet, your hands, against the ground"... first our hands and feed, and then our back. That's a lot of flip flopping. I think that it would be more congruent if you picked one or the other... both are good images, but physically impossible and kind of confusing. :P
"You know what you're looking at. Go!" Great last lines. They're almost inspirational. :P Which I'm assuming was the intent.
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 4 . 12/27/2008
Hmm. I think I like this one the most, maybe because it's not about boy-girl dynamics. "with it buried in his bone marrow" I like this line for the bone marrow part, but I think you could have used a more aggressive word than 'buried'.
"he knows (like he knows the earth is round, and today is today)" I like this as well. Good examples of stuff that you know, but don't KNOW.
"It's almost like unrequited love." Great ending line. :) Leaves you thinking after the piece is over, which is what an ending line is supposed to do. :D Nice!
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 3 . 12/27/2008
"Well, he already knows the answer to that" - I don't really like this line. I wish there was a more mysterious way to put it... again, with the whole mystery-is-the-appeal-of-these-things... :) Spelling it out is a little much.
"and so he keeps knocking," however, is a great ending line. Haunting, and says something about the fact that he will be knocking there for quite a long time. I like it. :D
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 2 . 12/27/2008
I think that the fact that s/he is aware of what her wedding-ring-hand does, and that s/he watches that hand is a very subtle way of showing his/her true feelings for her. Good job with that, I like that you did that.
However, saying "Isn't is sad that..." spells it out a little too much. The awesome part of the whole "small snippet of reality" thing is the mystery of it all - that you have no sure idea of what's actually going on. But... saying this so plainly kind of ruins it. Plus the "oh I'm just a 'friend' " line is a bit overdone. :(
I like this, though. :)
Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
| Secret Santa chapter 2 . 12/20/2008
Ooh, well I really like the detail in this piece. It really adds to the whole fact that the narrator is extremely sensitive to everything the "she" in this piece does. But, at one point I think you described the detail a bit oddly.
"...her second, middle and fourth fingers forming a graceful arc."
That part seemed a bit off/awkward to me. Maybe you could have said "her first three fingers forming a graceful arc." But other than that, a very well written snippet.
| DefineBeauty chapter 2 . 12/8/2008
first of all, i'm doing the same thing ] just in a different way lol. so far i know 3 people who are doing this (me included) and it's interesting to see what other people come up with
i like the last line the best. it portrays so many everyday relationships in a really great way. it's just cool ]
also, i like the details for the whole first part. it makes the ending so much better. i wasn't exactly sure where you were going with it at first, but it all comes together in the end ]