Reviews for Rise of Mpire
Cory Sparks chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
hello
Elber of Torou chapter 10 . 11/24/2009
I've been reading 'Rise of Mpire' from the beginning, and I think that this is your best chapter so far. It has been previously a little dry (no offense intended, just constructive criticism), but by Chapter 10, you have really settled into the characters. Mastrus is now feeling like a semi-tacit warrior, and Jeb is sounding more like the long-winded wizard he's supposed to be. I like the description of the scene in the chapel (are you by any chance a Christian?). But I am definitely liking this more and more as I go on.

One thing (because I'm the kind of person who has to pick holes in everything): try to make your dialogue more naturalistic. Say it aloud, and ask whether this is something that character would say. If not, change it.

Overall, though, keep up the good work.
Xein of Nethling chapter 1 . 5/31/2009
this is really good

ill probably review again later, but i don't have time now... but still great job D

~Happy Writings!~

-Xein of Nethling
anti-climax chapter 1 . 4/13/2009
Strange as it sounds, I find the skeletons amusing. I suppose it's because of the fact that they're still capable of basic speech despite being worn down to the bone. And they're patient too, unlike most undead represented in popular media these days.

Matt's a likable anti-hero and you do feel for him that he's forced to be a loner and all. I especially like the little sardonic voice inside his head, it makes up for the absence of a witty and irritatingly sharp sidekick in this chapter :D

Anyway, interesting first chapter!
Shoob chapter 17 . 4/9/2009
You're back! Good stuff as usual, and nice work with the suspicious guy from the thieves' guild.
Cory3445 chapter 16 . 2/28/2009
OK I think that this is a great book I mean you could publish this thing this is like the best book on fiction press :D
snowleapard360 chapter 1 . 2/15/2009
asasa
Shoob chapter 16 . 2/5/2009
Good luck on the brainstorming. I can completely understand needing to take some time to straighten out the details before continuing on (I'm hopefully near the end of a similar situation myself). Thanks to the convenient little "story alert" feature, we can know right away when you get more straightened out.
greenmean chapter 16 . 2/3/2009
Hey, npb. If you need to take time to go over the plot. Take it.

Its a nice fic so far.
Cory3445 chapter 15 . 1/26/2009
yeahs this is awsome, kind of bloody but still awsome. :)
Cory3445 chapter 1 . 1/25/2009
yeah I like this book :D
Shoob chapter 14 . 1/22/2009
Well, that's one way to get into a rebel base. Matt's still as cynical as ever and his answer about a signed certificate from God was pretty funny.

The cliffhanger at the end of this chapter is driving me nuts, but I suppose I'm just as guilty to doing the same thing to people that read my stuff, so I guess I'll just have to deal with it and wait until you finish the next part.
Ronin Drake chapter 14 . 1/19/2009
Well, what have we here?

Let me start off by saying that I really enjoyed meeting the resistance by getting captured. Just the simplest way to get where you need to go.

An interesting back and forth between the resistance members, as well. Not exactly the cohesive unit some may have been hoping for. Lot of names just kind of spilling around, though. Helps that the old man doesn't seem to have one.

The only real problem I have here is that Matt's sudden change into a tactician is... well, sudden. If he's been running away his whole life, how does he know how to organize a battle? Perhaps it's just a bit of progression, but I think at this stage, he should have had a less active role in the actual planning of the battle to come. Note that he's more willing to fight now and offer up and idea or two, but beyond that and it seems out of character (to me at least).

Interesting to touch on sexism in the fantasy genre. Wonder if that'll be one of the things Matt touches on if he survives to be king?

Speaking of which, ha, Matt was right. No one else believes in his destiny either.

Oh, the "this is awkward" line seemed out of place for me. I'll again say that silence would be a better option. Just something to the tune of not looking Matt in the eyes after realizing what he said.

Hmm, I'm not sure what you're gonna do with the vampire legion. You give fair enough reasons for them showing up at nightfall or waiting for the other armies. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

And on that note, curse you and your damn cliffhangers. Filling me with all that anticipation whatzit. I don't like it... so stop it. XD

In other words, can't wait for the next chapter. Happy writing.
Ronin Drake chapter 13 . 1/18/2009
Hmm, this certainly will complicate things.

Interesting developments and all, but a few things that worry me. I know I keep saying it's interesting and I like it, and then go on to say all the things I thought were wrong, but find it easier and better to point out flaws and try to improve the work than simply saying I like it and nothing more. Anyways, onward.

There's a few more rules coming in with the whole 'sleep talking' thing, but I brought that up last time.

When Matt is talking about what went through his mind when he attacked the girl, I don't think it was necessary for the whole "I wanted to bite her and suck all her blood out." It just seems like poor writing. Who would say that? Also, since Jeb, Mastrus, and the audience already know about his vampiric traits, you could probably just say "I wanted to bite her and..." and trail off from there. Let the silence do a little talking.

Last thing that really comes to mind, is what I think is a little contradiction. You just mentioned that guardians cannot be made into undead. But back in chapter 4, you have Matt look at his parents names in the family tree and we are specifically told that they resurrected as undead. Shouldn't the both of them have roughly as much guardian blood as him? Perhaps just an oversight or something, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

In any case, I'm excited to see how everyone's going to manage with keeping the vampirism secret. And how long are we gonna have to wait before they say, "alright, let's go after that cure that may or may not exist"? The reaction of the resistance is going to be fun, I'll bet. Until then, happy writing.
Shoob chapter 13 . 1/18/2009
Complications indeed. Then again, I guess that any good hero has to have some kind of flaw to be believable, and not knowing the exact details about it keeps some mystery involved.

I do wonder how they plan to meet up with the resistance, particularly after the incident in this chapter.
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