Awsome!

this is really good!

I think I have a general idea about what's going on in this chapter, but if you're looking to publish this, you definitly want to clarify a few points, because it's slightly confusing.

There are a few contradictory phrases (Kiernan *looked* like he could lift a mountain/ wasn't that buff)(she is looking to discard her body but afraid of damaging it. Also, question, but do you ever adress where these bodies come from?). The action sequence is interesting and fast paced, but once again, a bit confusing as to what they're actually doing or how it's being accomplished, introducing new concepts, such as their means of battle, her avility to see people's energy, jumping dimensions, inner fire, etc, at a pace which suggests that the reader should already be familiar with these concepts. Also, aren't they afraid of making a scene? How does he not realize who she is? Did he suddenly change his appearance? Also, watch for awkward wording (such as "His hair was almost black, but slightly more golden" which, while I'm sure that you know what you want to say, isn't conveyed quite clearly, and is conceptually confusing being that black and gold aren't really next to each other on the standard spectrum.) Otherwise, this has a lot of potential, and the character interactins seem correct.

As far as writing from a male perspective, I have seen it written that they generally go lighter on physical desctiption, preffering to characterize by action. Noting on things such as eye color usually denotes extreme closeness or intimacy. They are generally less openly emotional. (Once again, I don't know much about it, but that's what I read. It isn't actually possible to post links on reviews to external sites, from what I can tell, but if you visit superheronation. com (not hyperlinked, have to type it into the browser. There's an extra space in the adress I typed) (I know what the adress says, it also has general fiction writing advice) there is an article about writing from a male perspective which I found very useful.

Good luck. Will be checking out more chapters later.

Hm... Gets right to the story. Definitly ominous. Something's up with the girl. I'm going to say that she's the daughter of the god/goddess ( I don't remember which the description said) of life. The line "If he hadn't seen that she would die today, he would have been gone already," confused me a bit; is he waiting to kill her, or waiting to see her? And what he'd said about wanting to spend time with her, how long has he known her for, and why doesn't she like him yet? Also, I'd recommend a reworking the description of the soul leaving the body (although what you have is fine. It just seems like it could be refined). Otherwise, a good begining. You said in the author's note that this might become a book. Are you looking at publishers? Is the story completed? Hope that works out for you.

Cool story! I love forbidden romances!

YES.

Haa, finally. By the by, thank you so much for taking the time to reply.(:

This chapter was very good, but I'm curious:

WHAT IS THIS SECRET?

Haa, again. Anywho, please post again soon!

Emily / makexyouxbelieve

ASDFJKL;

Update, please?

I'm feeling deprived. D:

Oh my God.

I absolutely love this story.

Thanks, and please wirte more!

makexyouxbelieve

Kitty, if you haven't realized it already, this is Pitch.

Update.

Or Else.

Now.

love it you know me on fanfiction to be muziz and here i am black rose blooms any way i am also reading this on fanfiction too so thanks and bye

rose