Reviews for The Sassy Virgin
future writer girl chapter 4 . 1/26/2015
Please continue this, I need to know what happens!
Ismene chapter 4 . 12/13/2014
This is great..
honey splattered brains chapter 1 . 2/16/2011
love it (:
Hawaiianlover chapter 1 . 12/13/2009
It's Over?

How can it be over? L0l .
italianlove chapter 1 . 1/29/2009
I really liked it but i felt like the main character could definately been described a lot more. Also Brian wasn't described as "nerdy" really, just a glasses wearer/book worm.
R.K. Adams chapter 1 . 12/28/2008
hm.. as i was reading the story one person came up in my mind.. LoL.. not you ok.. hahaha.. just someone i know who could fit that character..

anyway, about the story.. its like a plain-flavored ice cream and inorder to make it presentable, marshmallows, sprinkles and syrup are added. i was just surprised that you could write this kind of stories.. LoL.. as for Bryce, a little detail on his character could have been nice.. but all in all it was a fun read. btw, Rhace is an aggressive virgin.. that's very rare nowadays..
SuzannaR chapter 1 . 12/28/2008
I found the main character to be really annoying. Entirely too arrogant and full of herself.

Bryce I liked, though he doesn't seem as nerdy as he's supposed to be. Anyone who can just take off their glasses and look like Superman can't be a horrible nerd (And I know! I'm what you can call an expert on nerds :))

There were numerous grammar and spelling errors. Perhaps you can use a beta editor.

I don't think this worked as a short story. It was too fast paced for the subject matter. You just make it longer and expand more on the main character.

s
BrokePerception chapter 1 . 12/25/2008
Well written!
Jessie My Love chapter 1 . 12/23/2008
You're main character really bugged me.

Especially since the word sexy was continuously used to describe her. Her actual appearance was never really described. Instead, she was just basically little miss perfect. Everyone has flaws and it seemed that her only one was 'being a virgin'.

I think if you developed your character a little better this could've been a much better story. I did really like Bryce though, he was a character that was easier to relate to.

So yea. :]
FuckMeAlice chapter 1 . 12/22/2008
Hmm... it's not always that the guy's the one who's playing hard to get. I like that role reversal, and I also like the Superman analogy. It's really fitting for this sort of story.

Good job. Romance is not usually my cup of tea, but this story proved a pleasant surprise.

-Stardust.
Interrobang chapter 1 . 12/21/2008
•Character:

“Senior college student, 23 years old, popular, intelligent, attractive and sexy me, Horace Anne Crew, “Rhace” for short. I’m a top student without even trying and am popular because of that. A number of the male population, mostly all of them has a crush on me. They even admit unabashedly on air through the school’s fm station about having wet dreams every night just because they were thinking of me. Love letters, confession letters would fl my locker everyday, still from males, the professors included. Obviously, the female population envy me for that.”

I-I’m sorry but I sort of bashed my head against the keyboard when I read this. It’s not irrepairable, but she’s a bit flat, can you put in some flaws? Other than being “OMG a virgin! Horrors!”. I know it’s a humor story, but try to make the main character more sympathetic. Bryce, however, is very likeable. You sort of stress the he’s-such-a-nerd-loser aspect, but at least he isn’t -jock-perfect. I might suggest making him less than stunning looking (it sort of messes up the loser thing as in ‘he’s a loser but he’s a hot loser and therefore is allowed be loved’) and specifying what kind of books he’s reading (yeah, nerds like books, but are they history? Law?)

•Lines I liked and disliked:

“I’ve had those number of relationships yet I remained untouched. None of guys was able to arouse me. No one! None! Nada!” Sounds kinda like a premise for an adult movie.

“He's the embodiment of the fulfillment of my dreams.” Um, what? Why? How does she know? Does she even know anything about his personality? I thought he was some big mystery and now she knows he’s destined to pop her heavily guarded cherry?

“Excitement and thrill crept up a slow, delicious path up my spine” I really like that line. The wording is great and it really conveys the emotion.

“Dazed. He got me dazed. I couldn't think clearly.” This line was also very nice in conveying the emotion.

•Grammar:

“as if the demon” the demon? How about a demon.

“next passing days” next few days?

There are some grammatical issues, but they fit the character writing the piece (exited female college student) and make the story more personal (when drastically different characters narrate the same way it sort of messes a story up, so you’re avoid that)

•Clarity:

“I'm liking him even more” was liking him even more. You have to keep track of your tenses. You also might want to say ‘affection’ or ‘desire’ or ‘want’ or some such instead of repeating ‘like’

“a smack on the cheek” She slapped him? Or did she kiss him? Pet him?

” reaching for my purse when exactly an hour after, the doorbell rang” an hour after what? Sounds like an hour after she was reaching for her purse.
Stormer chapter 1 . 12/21/2008
Hmm interesting story! I quite like it how the story ended without the 'climax' (no pun intended!). Your writing could use polishing, you sometimes skip between tenses, but I think you're a good writer. I like your descriptions!
Jasion Drake chapter 1 . 12/21/2008
Ello!

To hell with it, I'll review you again. :)

I found this character very difficult to empathise with. Perhaps it was the introduction, but I think the main culprit was the arrogant, somewhat needy tone throughout the piece that just robbed her of her depth. In contrast, though, your Bryce was most interesting! Engimatic and sexy, a wonderful combination.

Your grammar is suitable for the style of text - a high school student recounting an experience - and like your last piece I had no trouble at all interpreting what you meant.

Overall, a driven, face-pace, very determined piece. A thumbs-up from me and I eagerly await more of your work!

*subscribes to author*
The Jab chapter 1 . 12/20/2008
Pretty good. I mean, nothing to notify the masses about, but a decent romance story. I didn't see any huge errors. Not really any small ones either. So that's good, right?

It was a little of a drag in the beginning but I got into the "what happens next" mood soon enough. I'll read some of your other stuff.

And if you're to stop by my page, I would prefer The Jabbe Chronicles read over anything else.
jao chapter 1 . 12/20/2008
yay im the first to review. brilliant story soo superman like. i wish u could continue. its brilliant. u dnt find good stories on fp no more. snif snif, well at least ur around to change that. huh?