Reviews for Unneeded
PoetryQueen chapter 1 . 1/14/2009
This is defferent. I have only seen a poem mostly in dialouge one other time. This could be really good if you just worked on what was in each line. Here I'll show you...

This is what you have.

“where did she go,”

mom asks,

“in your group?”

i don’t have a real

answer, so i

tell her the same

thing i tell everyone

else. “she

doesn’t need us.”

I'd make it,

"Where did she go?"

I asked.

Mom replied, "In your group?"

I never seem to have a real answer,

So, I'll tell her what I feel,

"She doesn't need us anymore."

Just a suggestion! I hope I don't sound too harsh. God Bless!
Mourning Sickness chapter 1 . 12/28/2008
mikey magee chapter 1 . 12/24/2008
Flow: The flow was a little chunky sometimes because of the phrasing. For example in the fourth line,you had "answer" start on the fifth line. The flow would be better if you were to mave it to the fourth.

Images: There was a lack of imagery in the poem. Because it was mostly dialogue, I couldn't get into the poem too well. Maybe if you added what this girl who "Doesn't need us" looked like, but that's just my opnion.

Tone: I loved the tone in the poem. The brevity was nice nad it had a strange feel to it that felt just right for the piece.

Subject: I liked the way you used ambiguity in the poem, but because of the lack of descriptions I couldn't see where you were going with it.

Rhythm: The rhythm was nice in this poem, especially the firts line, "Where did she go" the one syllable words gave it a wonderful musicality. But again, the pharsing got in the way of the rhythm.

This wasn't too bad of a poem though! Keep writing.
4tehlessthan3of0scoreintennis chapter 1 . 12/21/2008
sorry you feel that way. don't worry, things always get better.
fivesandsevens chapter 1 . 12/21/2008
As per usual I can relate to this peice. I have had friends leave my friend circle, aswell I have left a group of friends. It hurts, but time heals all wounds. The honesty in your work as always so beautiful! I am also quite fond of your lack of capitalization, it somehow makes your work more human. You never cease to amaze!

sweets555 chapter 1 . 12/21/2008
I have had an incredibly similar conversation with most of my family regarding the disappearance of robyn.

Somethings you can't explain.


amazing stix, as always


ps-why is there such a large character allowance for reviews? it's crazy.