Reviews for Sprinkleberries and Lollipops: Aphrodite Academy
breakthehabit chapter 1 . 4/13/2013
xD Santa's hot wife. xD
AnaGirl chapter 1 . 6/22/2012
I REALLY wish Aphrodite Academy was a real place! I LOVE this series so far. It is so sweet and things aren't rushed like a lot of other stories. I love fluffy things like this!
The Eternally Heartbroken chapter 1 . 1/2/2011
Another sweet story! If all of your "Aphrodite Academy" stories are like this, I might have a heart attack from all the cute!
Brenda Agaro chapter 1 . 9/18/2009
Aww...this was sweet and fluffy. I find the ending adorable. X3

There was a bit of info dumping during the dialogue (just that part about the academy.) It feels like the part about when they're talking about the school could be cut off a little and be added in sentences instead (to make the interaction more subtle.) If you disagree, you're free to leave it as it is.

There were also some over description. I also noticed this in EMOs Venemous (but I believe that I wasn't able to point it out due to the word limit. Only just a few over description here, though. Honestly, there were more in EMOs Venemous.) What I can suggest is to avoid repetition of the characters' physical appearance. Just mention it once. Repeat about the character's hair, skin, etc. when it's necessary (like an incident, etc.)

I hope this helps and I also hope to read more from you. :-)

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

{"Pretty please!" Tori pled with hands clasped beneath her lips, and enlarging cornflower blue eyes.} "and enlarging cornflower blue eyes" seems awkward. It could be reworded as a separate sentence [ex: Her cornflower eyes enlarged.] - since cornflower is blue, adding "blue" is not necessary. Good opening sentence (I like how you started in the middle of the conversation; it makes me want to read further.) It's just the second half that disrupted the flow.

{It was cherry red with a golden grim, and on the front, intricate Japanese text woven in golden silk.} "woven" should be "wovened."

{Her lips spread into a smile and face rose in hues,} "face rose in hues" is out of place. I can suggest rewording the phrase [ex: and a blushed appeared on her cheeks.] Also, I'm not sure if the comma at the end is intentional (looks like there should be a period instead.)

{"I was twelve when I came out to my parents. We had a long discussion, and I had a cousin who lived in America. He told my parents about this school, and after a few months of meetings, they enrolled me here. The thing is, when I’m here I don’t feel gay. Around my family, I do."} A comma after "when I'm here." You don't have to do it, but I can suggest a dash between "non" and "ignorant."

{"I think that’s a general request regardless of orientation," Tori corrected.} The dialogue tag could be dropped, since only her and Shiharu are talking (and to let the readers infer how she says this.)

{Shiharu kicked off her fire engine red heels and wiggled her toes.} "red" could be omitted. "fire engine" alone will show that her heels are red.

{Shiharu sauntered into her closet, in the back was a small gift wrapped box.} I can suggest a semi-colon after "closet."

{She carefully brought it down from the shelf, and returned to the bed with box in hand.} "with box in hand" could be omitted. It's mentioned in the first half of this sentence, and the previous sentence, that it's a box. It'll just be repeating.

{"Thank you Tori," Shiharu said while producing her own gift.} A comma after "Thank you."

{They blushingly exchanged presents, neither willing to open before the other.} I can suggest finding another word to replace "blushingly" to enhance the word choice in this sentence [ex: bashfully.]

{Both held the boxes on their laps burning the flame of curiosity.} A comma after "laps." "burning the flame of curiosity" - it could just be me, but it feels out of place. Maybe reword it? [ex: pondering on the contents inside.] - or something like that.

{"Oh I swear you’re trying to fatten me up!"} A comma after "Oh."

{"I wanted to make you something really special for your present. So, I racked my brain trying to create what reminds me of you and the ends results is, Sprinkleberries," Tori gleefully explained.} "ends results" should be end result (correct me if I'm wrong.)

{Shiharu laughed while biting into a Sprinkleberry, "m," her eyes closed and lips moved slight as to savor the taste, "is there such thing as a guilt free desert?"} I think there should be a period after "Sprinkleberry." "her" between "and" and "lips." "slight" should be "slightly."

{She smiled seeing personalized greeting card.} A comma after "smiled", and I believe "the" should be between "seeing" and "personalized."

{Tori’s words regressed to low mumble against Shiharu’s lips.} I believe "a" should be between "to" and "low."

{It wasn’t a gesture of modesty, rather a reaction in the spur of the moment progression.} I can suggest a semi-colon after "modesty." I think "moment progression" should be "moment's progression."

{Shiharu pulled back seeing the desire in Tori’s eyes.} A comma after "back."

{She leaned over the unconscious brunette whispering pleas of forgiveness.} A comma after "brunette."

{Tori’s eyes slowly opened and she squinted catching a tear drop. "Hi."} A comma after "squinted." I can suggest a dialogue tag after "Hi."

{Only after Shiharu felt the normalizing heartbeat, did either notice the awkwardness.} "did either" confused me. Maybe "did neither"?

{They were molded white chocolate Santa faces, with cherry frosting hats and lips, caramel drop eyes and peppermint noses.} I think "with" should be between "molded" and "white."

{She licked about the surface taking in the combined flavors,} A comma after "surface." I could be wrong, but I think "about the surface" could be just "the surface."

{"Of course, and then comes the senior prom. Though, as Urumi harshly taught me, I mustn’t look too far ahead when we’ve still so young," Shiharu said.} "we've" should be "we're."

{"Are suggesting something naughty, Shiharu Arai?" Tori, while snaking her arms around Shiharu, asked.} "you" between "Are" and "suggesting."

{"Oh then I must save your deprived soul," Tori insisted while dragging Shiharu out of the room, "I’ll go get my DVD. It’s going to be great, I hope you don’t mind, I’m a crier."} A comma after "Oh."

{"I don’t mind, I’ll probably start crying if you do. That tends to happen during movie dates. If anything we can get in some quality cuddling," Shiharu promised in view of their intertwined fingers, "I’ll go make popcorn and bring my blanket," Shiharu said.} A comma after "If anything." Omit "Shiharu said." - it's already infered that it's her speaking.

{"I may want you but we are nowhere remotely near that stage yet. But I love you regardless. Now let’s see if this movie is as sappy as Caroline claims," Shiharu said.} A comma after "I may want you."

{She went straight to the kitchen area and gasped, the large popcorn maker was put into storage.} A semi-colon after "gasped."

{Shiharu lamented staring at her pale, blemish free fingers.} A comma after "lamented."

{Even with the pending danger, Shiharu long had a fascination with popping popcorn.} "Shiharu long" could be reworded [ex: Shiharu had a fascination with the sound of popping popcorn for as long as she could remember.] - or something like that.

{"I wonder how mom and dad will take my first non Asian girlfriend." Shiharu thought aloud.} A comma after "girlfriend." You don't have to do this, but since it's a thought, the dialogue line could be in italics.

{Their lips softly met in the solitude of the rec room, and Tori held her girlfriend as she long dreamed.} "as she long dreamed" could be reworded [ex: as she had dreamed for so long.] - or something like that.

{"Goodie! I’ll go set up the movie. Thank you Shiharu, this is the best Christmas gift ever!"} A comma after "Thank you."

{"I wouldn’t necessarily call it a Christmas present. Though under the circumstances, I guess it qualifies. Tori, I don’t want you to feel like you ‘earned’ this. I honestly fell in love with you, and I’m ready to move on. It would break my heart not to be with you. I don’t sound clingy do I?" Shiharu quietly asked while cleaning the popcorn maker.} A comma after "I don't sound clingy."

{"I wish was fluent in Japanese, and then I could visit Japan with you sometime," Tori sighed.} "I" between "wish" and "was."

{Tori gasped and leaned over to the coffee table and set down her camera.} This could be reworded (the "and" repeated twice disrupted the flow.) [ex: Tori gasped, leaning over to the coffee table, and setting down her camera.]

{She put I ton the timer and quickly rejoined Shiharu on the couch.} "She put I ton" confused me. Maybe "She put it on"?
awriterscorned chapter 1 . 5/30/2009
Z again.

I really really know you hate it when I said it, but Tori said it too so I think it's okay in this specific instance.

"Aww."

This is so fluffy but it's amazing. I actually really like it, and I like that you've made the all-lesbian school thing work and you haven't made it cliche "I can haz a hawt idea" like a lot of lesbian boarding school-y ideas.
K of Silent persuasion chapter 1 . 5/20/2009
I didn't feel like signing in, sorry. lol! your writing has so much improved, you don't need to even put it on this site. everyone else sucks so bad, they're gonna steal your stuff! I mean... I'm not saying fictionpress sucks, but i'm saying you're too good for it. fictionpress has really gone downhill these days. people don't need an imagination anymore. they have someone else's. There aren't many young writers who actually can write, so we're a dying breed because we rock so flippin hard. A chicken just pecked my boob... i'm just sayin... it was weird, but i went along with it... random much?
Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 1 . 5/3/2009
Awesome! Absolutely loved it! Shiharu finally loves her, aw, well finally admits it anyway. So sweet! I can't wait for Aphrodite Academy!

Great job! Keep up the great work!
Always Pencil chapter 1 . 1/4/2009
Aw! That was so cute. I'm so happy for them.
StickyNote chapter 1 . 12/26/2008
aww that was really kute. i enjoyed it alot, thanks! and happy holidays
vfx chapter 1 . 12/25/2008
I'm lovin' Aphrodite Academy! I would love for you to follow up on this story. Can't wait!
0.0 NightRiders 0.0 chapter 1 . 12/24/2008
Aw

Its so sweet

I loved it

It took me a while to realise it was related to the other story about valentines say, to im guessing you should put that in the disclaimer, just a suggestion

:D

awesome

x
MiddiVampira chapter 1 . 12/24/2008
I was wondering where you went. Very well written. This was sweet. I liked it a bunch. Hope you have a good christmas and new year's.

Elodie
The Jean Genie chapter 1 . 12/24/2008
this was so beautiful and sweet..

thanks for sharing.
zutAra101 chapter 1 . 12/23/2008
that was so sweet. i loved it