This is really prose-like...the lines are very long and there's a lot of words that directly follow the ones that proceded them, as if someone's talking to me as I read this. Now, I think the latter is kind of cool, but I think each sentence should be allowed room to "hit harder", by shortening it a little and giving it a line break as needed.

I figured out that it was an elegy about half way through, and I think it would be better off with out the "the way you died", as I think it's obvious enough, and it doesn't need to be said. I think this is a "less is more" moment.

Unless you're eating chocolate covered raisins, in which case...

MORE is more,