|Reviews for Perfect Crime|
| asylum writer chapter 3 . 6/20/2009
"Twirling his pencil Scott looked up and studied the council member."
- I'd put a comma after pencil, but that may just be a personal preference thing.
"Impeccably groomed he looked like he belonged on a postage stamp."
- I'd also have one after groomed.
I love the questions Scott asks the councilman! He just doesn't stop. I especially like the first one, how he turned the "I wanted to become involved" thing against him with "'So involved that...'"
Huh. Marlayna is... interesting.
"'Which one,' Tessa asked."
- needs a question mark
"we did lose the head of the Demarco family."
"none other than the late Mr. DeMarco."
"Demarco, Deluca, Torrance, Perelli..."
- Is the m capitalized or not?
I like your chapter titles - it's clever. I'd never be able to come up with a class or course that fit for every chapter. And you've done eighteen at this point.
There's the other thing that's consistent in each chapter - the sound at the beginning. It draws the reader in nicely (What's making that noise? I must read on to find out!), and it's also something you don't see all the time.
| asylum writer chapter 2 . 6/20/2009
"Propped on one elbow, she stretched to see over the edge of the bed, and viewed the pieces scattered around the bedside table."
- Another amusing detail about Tessa, but I question whether the alarm clock would actually break into pieces.
"Mid yawn she greeted her visitor"
- needs a dash
"Something in the man’s body language made her want to protect herself from what he seemed so nervous to say."
- Interesting sentence, though there's some reason beyond that that causes me to really like it. I'm not sure what it is...
"'How many of your neighbor's know"
- no apostrophe
"The victor was minor, but it felt good."
"'Ew' she groaned, at the same time grabbing Scott’s coffee mug from his hands and swigging back the lukewarm liquid."
- That's bold, taking someone's coffee when you don't know them that well.
"'Candice told me you went into my cubical yesterday."
I know, I point out a lot of spelling/grammar stuff, but you're actually pretty good in that area. You're not making a bunch of distracting mistakes. I just tend to notice any that you do make.
"but the woman was curious about the conversation she wasn’t privy too,"
"Scott was heading out of her cubical."
"'Late. How did you make out with the Perelli’s?'"
- no apostrophe
"Tessa exchanged the bible for the telephone book."
- I do like that, but I also find it a little odd because the bible was online and the telephone book doesn't seem to be.
I liked the insights we got into Tessa's life - her last name actually being Morgano, her past with G.J. - but why? Why did she change her name and her life? You've told us more without giving us everything - great.
You've got great dialogue. I especially like the scenes (this chapter, last chapter) with Scott and Tessa. You show their rivalry, and somehow also a hint that they could have a different kind of relationship.
| asylum writer chapter 1 . 6/20/2009
From the Review Marathon! (There's a link in my profile.)
"He refused to put on his glasses, preferring the vanity of squinting."
- Nice detail to include. It tells something about Scott.
"Bringing the silver flask to her full lips, she took a sip."
- But it contains chocolate milk? Haha. Equally nice detail about Tessa.
"On advice from the police the Perelli’s had not paid the requested $100,0."
- no apostrophe needed
"One of her hands rose, absently dismissing his assertion that she was too thin. Begging off the invitation to dine,"
- I like how you let us know what was being said, without actually offering a direct translation, because sometimes that just doesn't fit.
"'Gino, all I need right now is a drink.'"
- So much for not drinking.
"Her use of the Perelli’s first names wasn’t lost on him."
- apostrophe after the s
Great start. I already like your characters, and you've introduced them quite well. I'm particularly interested in their relationship with each other.
And the story itself is interesting. There's the mystery, and then there's that relationship again.
You've got a great writing style - easy to read, and I like the balance between dialogue and description.
| MikiSweety chapter 1 . 6/17/2009
[Beginning] I really liked how you started. It really roped you in. Everyone knows that a bored reporter is certainly going to get into some trouble very very soon.
[Plot] The plot, is frankly, cliche... from what I see of the first chapter anyway. Mysterious professional woman, mischievous male reporter, a disappearance and a conspiracy. It can be found in the countless mystery shows and books on T.V. The important thing is what twist you bring to the story. As long as you develop the characters and the plot right, it could turn into something unique.
[Writing] Your writing style really fits the mood and genre. It's also very easy on me as a reader. Lots of dialogue, but I can imagine the scene well. My personal taste is a little bit more moody, but you're doing well.
[Enjoyment] From all perspectives, it's a good set-up chapter for a mystery story. I am intrigued. I just wished you got into the action quicker. I have a short attention span. lol.
| Greenery chapter 7 . 6/13/2009
What up, winters!
Okay, I like this chapter. I'm caffeinated so i have to nitpick though.
"she waited for Scott, her heart beat hard, ticking off each second." I think here you should prob say "her heart beating hard." It doesn't sound grammatically correct the way it is, even if it is correct. it's just awkward and i think it would really flow better if you said "beating."
"essa hung up the phone explaining," here i would put a comma before "explaining" otherwise it kinda looks/sounds like she hung up something called a "phone explaining."
"In the neighborhood where you?” *were* it's okay i do this sometimes. it's really embarrassing isn't it?
"“I would have hoped for, more of a theory.” i don't understand why there's a comma here.
i hate rubberneckers. that's my favorite term for them though. Have you read Rant by Chuck Palahniuk? uses that term a lot.
"“I do wish the circumstances were a little less suspect. I did warn your boy about his attitude.” I'd take out one of those to-do verbs. Probably the first one, because I like how "I did warn your boy" sounds. But "i do wish" sounds like an attempt to be fancy.
"the usual suspects?” I recommend that movie.
"he rocked back on his heals" here, you mean "heels" not "heals." "Heals" is a verb. "Heels" in the noun. I do this all the time and then immediately after remember the distinction. I think it should be the other way around so people stop making this mistake.
"computer bag" laptop case?
"She didn’t exactly carry her Italian heritage on her sleeve." As she is a redhead, I believe it. Does she dye her hair, or is that random mutation that sometimes occurs in just about every race?
"arriving back from a late dinner." bad gramma. "Returning from a late dinner."
I like the outfit Tessa changed into.
Aw, a Persian kitty! I like those because they have such ugly faces.
More is revealed about Tessa! I like hwo gradual this all is. Anyhow great work. I enjoyed reading.
| Samuel Harrisson chapter 3 . 6/13/2009
I can't believe that I forgot about this story! It was great! Your flow is perfect, the dialogue was entertaining, and Scott seems to have some claws! That guy got pwned by scott! The only I thing I would suggest is making the transition from Scott to Tessa a little more noticeable. It was a bit confusing for me.
| Randomisation chapter 18 . 6/6/2009
i have to say im slightly confused...but i think thats a good thing :D really enjoying this cant wait for the next chapter.
| Samigwen chapter 18 . 6/5/2009
I love this story just as much as I do The Ghost Writer and its sequal! I was hooked as soon as I started reading and I can't wait for the next chapter!
| Twigstudios1972 chapter 17 . 5/21/2009
Great sexual tension in this chapter. Really enjoying this story thus far. Keep it up, please!
| Twigstudios1972 chapter 15 . 5/12/2009
Please do not leave me in suspense! Finish this story soon. I will be watching!
| Greenery chapter 6 . 5/5/2009
"rocked back on his heals." Heels. I do this too. It's so embarrassing. I wish spell check understood context.
"Shoulders set; the man still blocked the entrance." The use of a semicolon here seems a little weird. A comma would to fine. I think — *think* — semicolons are supposed to be more for two independent but closely related clauses and for lists.
I like how you describe the museum. Your use of similes is powerful. "Like a hangman's noose." Very coo.
"Maybe I’m reading too much De Vinci Code into this" great line hehe, even though it's "Da" not "De."
exciting end, can't wait to read more. I think i might nap for a while first, but i'll be back!
| Greenery chapter 5 . 5/4/2009
Woot! High action, and you're good at writing it. I feel nitpicky tonight so I'm gonna go over a few typos and such even though I'm sure you'd catch most of them with a proofread:
"His head turned and his eyes darted looking for the source of the gun shot." Kind of run-on. Could use a comma after "darted" in my non-expert opinion.
"Scott mumbled gunning the engine." Run-on-y again. A comma after "mumbled" will fix that up, other wise it sounds like he mumbled a gunning engine, which makes no sense. Also, it should be: "'Smart,' Scott mumbled." You have a period instead of the comma.
"Tessa shook her head, 'No.'” Here, is Tessa shaking her head and you're clarifying that she means "no" or is she actually saying "no" aloud? If she is saying it, it should be: "Tessa shook her head. 'No.'" because "shook her head" is not a tagline indicating speech, such as "he said/replied/retorted/yelled/variant of this sort." If you're just clarifying that she means "no," there's no need for it. Shaking no; nodding yes. In the West, anyway.
"Tessa’s white-knuckle grip on the door, and shallow breathing, betrayed her nerves." The comma after "door" disrupts the flow. Personally I'd get rid of it, but I'm not sure anything is technically wrong with it how it is, so that's up to you.
"Scott pointed at the postcard, 'Well then how come that doesn’t have a broken window – and I do.' One, you should try to work a question mark in here somewhere; two, the comma versus period thing again. "pointed at the postcard" ain't a speech tagline. This occurs several more times in this chapter, but you'll see them of course.
Btw, the dialogue here is extra-great. It's perfect for their situation. Honestly, even with the tiny little insignificant errors to distract my brain, I was pulled into the story. Felt almost like I was watching a movie, or sitting in the back seat like some sorta astral-projection voyeur for some reason stalking these folks.
“'He’s gonna call me back,'” need a period 'stead of that comma at the end.
"the blue car more memory then visible." you mean "than" not "then."
"I don't like it tht they just disappeared," You are missing an "A."
"The smell of cotton candy made her mouth water." Not a nitpick, but I am blaming you for making me want cotton candy.
I like how you describe Tessa's fear without actually saying it right off the bat. Really nice work on that. I'm slightly afraid of heights too, especially in one of those rocking carts. I once pushed an ex, hard, for trying to sit next to me because it tipped the cart and freaked me out.
"Her right hand had moved to grip the edge of the seat and her blue eyes no longer could hide her angst." I'd use terror instead of angst, but I guess that's ultimately up to you. I'd also remove the "right" part, because it doesn't really make a difference to the reader which hand she uses and that just makes it an unnecessary word.
Anyway, good chapter! Exciting events. This is an intriguing mystery indeed.
| october lies chapter 15 . 5/4/2009
VERY good chapter.
I have to say, this was a very conclusive one. Very nice.
| Isca chapter 1 . 5/1/2009
(Rule 10: Review: TRG-Stories-Easy Fix)
"Scott Crawford." Good. The name 'Crawford' is stoic, easy-to-remember, and easily gives this character a touch of authority.
"He was bored." That's an interesting point. Without any kind of action or crime, many people would be out of jobs-thought-provoking!
I've been to the Tribune on a trip and got to see inside of it and such, so I really appreciated your use of realism, and could vividly picture the scene.
"‘I was just about to invade his privacy all in the name of my ego.’" I like that you allowed the reader to gain access to Tessa's thoughts.
"On advice of police the Perelli’s had not paid the requested $100,0." You're very educated-you know that, in real life, the police department does not pay ransoms or advise the victim's families to do so either. Chances are, if the "un-sub" (unknown subject), has taken a victim hostage, and they haven't been found in the first few days, then the ransom money is a scam and the victim is already dead. Sorry for the long rant, but I really appreciated your subtle inclusion of factual knowledge.
Excellent story! :)
| october lies chapter 14 . 4/26/2009
I'm not sure why you've suddenly decided to censor curse words, now, but it was a definitely notable change. I can't see why it was at all necessary.
This was probably my favorite chapter, although I do think that a lot more could have been added. Thinking-wise, I mean. It seemed a bit rushed.