|Reviews for The Day the Dead Lived|
| KarsonZ chapter 2 . 1/10/2009
Good grief...go off and type another amazing instalment why don't you? LOL. But I have to say, you really out did yourself on this on I think. The way you've concealed the plot and presented the information, well, it's absolutely dazzling dear. It's just like a professionaly prented novel. Still, you do have plenty of awkward phrases. So, here's a list of the biggies. Mostly they're suggestions of how to reword something
1. Top of her top- top of her shirt
2. Denise felt sorry for him, but only for a moment. ( Um, why does she think that anyway? You've hinted that he tries to stay clean and all, but is that the only reason why she feels that way?)
3. it'd just been a fantasy- awkward, reword
4. hardly even noticed the dust that got onto them- got is a vastly unattractive word. My advice is that you don't use it, with the exception of dialogue. But don't overdue it.
5. house all the stuff they spent the money on- don't keep repeating 'and then'.
6. by her comment as his words might have implied
7. and Jessie lost their money.
8. pick him up and be less than kind- awkward, reword
9. look as looming- looming probably isn't the best word to use there.
10. forest had a less likely chance of drowning- forest presented a significantly smaller chance of drowning.
11. put ;'s b/w the sentences that Jessica lists as reasons in the paragraph that starts with "well, listen."
12. plain shocked- absolutely shocked
Oky doky, that's all the ones I wrote down. Good job, keep it up!
| KarsonZ chapter 1 . 12/31/2008
Sasparilla and wingdings! That was jolly good! LOL, uh, no that wasn't really supposed to make sense, hehe. You have a few awkward phrases and such, but other than that, this is really good! I can't wait to read more!